No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

No no no don’t ask them if they want to go. That’s awful. Akin to making them choose between mummy and daddy. They go, but it’s daddy’s responsibility to arrange the logistics. Aunt, uncle, friends. Don’t care how. Daddy will need to fix it or arrange for them to stay with the happy couple overnight.

Op, I really feel for you.

Your choices aren't between refusing to have them go and bringing them there and collecting them.

Your choice is "am I ok with my dds going to this event".

Given what you said, I think you can see it would be best for them to go (although pretty confusing in some ways but that's how it goes).

But that doesn't mean you have to be their chauffeur and helper at the wedding. That is fucking ridiculous. Your dds are available to be flower girls - it is up to their father to figure out how that will happen. Welcome to parenting, ex-OP.

Call your ex MIL (she is possibly reeling from all this too and might prefer that her grandchildrens' mother was her DIL rather than this new woman) and say to her that you are happy for dds to be at the wedding but since she can't drive, ex should text you directly with his arrangements for getting them there and back. Take MIL out of it (I suspect you feel sorry for her).

Then if you like text ex and say "I understand dds will be part of the wedding. They can stay with you for the entire weekend - collect friday, drop Sunday if you like If not, let me know when you will collect and drop off on Saturday so I can be home"

If he says "want you to drop/collect/whatever". Just say "sorry I have plans and can't chauffeur for your big day. girls are looking forward to it though. Just let me know the times"

what are the childcare arrangements for the wedding?

what are the childcare arrangements for the wedding?

whatever they are they really aren't the OP's concern. Presumably the father can mind his own children. Presumably he wouldn't put them at risk (or the MIL wouldn't anyway)

I suspect in an ideal world the ex would have the OP hovering around like a nanny to mind their children at his wedding reception. But that isn't the real world.

All guests at a wedding are there to lend their support to the happy couple
I don't feel your dds should be put in that position after this couple treated you like shit.
Because they're so young they are being used as flower girls to make this couple look respectable. Why should your dds be used like this when they're too young to have a mature opinion on whats happened?

An exception to this would be if more time had passed, the betrayed partner was over it, and the kids genuinely cared about the new partner.

Poor little girls. Rotten bastard. He'll be giving them half-siblings soon, another thing that they will just have to roll with while their father finds his own happiness at the expense of theirs.

They are too little to go without you would be my feeling. He isn't going to be able to look after them on the day so who will he outsource that to?

I'm so sorry for you OP. What a selfish man.

I wouldn't allow it. Leave the country two days before and turn off your phone. Who area what his guests say?

That's "who cares what his guests say?"

And I mean a trip WITH your girls.

Totally agree your daughters aren't mature enough to understand or handle this. It's manipulative to make the flower girls too. It's meaningless.

Put your foot down. You owe him nothing.

@pallisers I ask this question because I raised it not long ago in a similar context on AIBU.

It isnt unreasonable if the Ex-Idiot is the groom to think that he wont be around to supervise.

I just think that it is beyond crass to expect OP to drive her children to a ceremony and reception and then collect them after. After twelve years together- its is insensitive to say the least.

They might as well ask her to hang out in the car park as impromptu babysitter.

(My ex SIL is getting married in a couple of weeks and ex-Idiot wants to take the kids unsupervised apart from the raging piss-up that will be the reception, hence my thoughts re. supervision. Im not a nutter helicopter parent; hand me a drone)

some other lucky sod turned around in six months

Given that your ex is a cheat I'd say she's an unlucky sod really.

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil

I can see where you are coming from. I think I remember your thread and I agreed completely with you that you need to be sure your children are safe.

This doesn't seem to be the case in this OP - but agree with you that it is beyond crass that the ex thinks his ex should be the wrangler for his kids at his wedding. Deserves a cheeky fucker thread all of its own.

They are actually asking you to do a 100 mile round trip, twice in one day, for the benefit of your XP & the OW... to take your DDs to a wedding they're not that keen on going to anyway!? They have more front than Brighton.

The children have a right to a relationship with their father and should be you and your exes sole concern. This means they should be at their father's wedding, but as other people have said, arrangements to get them there in the morning is the responsibility of their father. You may want to establish who will be caring for them during the day as clearly they will need one to one supervision and realistically their father is not going to be in a position to provide it. Try and reposition yourself on this, the children should see their father and have a relationship with him, that means putting them and their needs first, and that may or may not be easy but is more important at the moment than any feelings you have about him.

It may be easier for the children and make them feel more secure if you drop them at your mils? And arrange to pick them up from a neutral place afterwards? That would be the best scenario for your children and would ensure they feel secure in the current situation. It's a good example to show your children and I always think a person should 'take the high (ground) whenever possible.

He's got a cheek asking your daughters to be flower girls.
He's got even more cheek expecting you to drop them and collect FROM THE RECEPTION!
Then chuck in the fact that this drop off is 50 miles away!

If you decide the girls can go (and that's a big if) the only acceptable way is that they go to their father Friday to Sunday. And he does the driving.

As far as I’m aware, his sister is going and she will likely look after the children - I will confirm this, particularly if the couple leave the reception early as I believe they are going to the airport for honeymoon that night/early the following morning. (Ah to be footloose and child free eh?) I’m obvs not going to leave the girls without adequate supervision as his attention won’t be on them.

As a friend has pointed out, me turning up in jeans and my old Mini to a glitzy wedding (and very glitzy - XP has plenty and has always had expensive tastes) might be embarrassing enough so I’m torn as to what to do.

I always want the girls to have a choice, but in the instance I think they need to go, to show that they have had every opportunity to be with their father that I could possibly facilitate, and that I have done my utmost to keep our breakdown of relationship from impacting on the one we have with the girls.

I want them to grow up with the understanding that relationships change, and that reliability and sticking to one’s word (as much as their father hasn’t) is the mark of respected character which is why I’m on a parenting forum at 2 in the morning before I commit to this.

Also, for context, although my contact with XP is limited to bills/drop off and pick up times and he doesn’t really talk to me anymore (anything more difficult goes through the solicitors) - he pays the girls school fees, which I would go to the ends of the Earth to keep them in, as they’re flourishing there. Unfortunately, I’m not in any financial position to pay for them (had to leave job after delivery complications with DD1 and never really got a foothold back in the career ladder, so working same role as when 23yo grad and reaping v small paycheque) so I don’t want to jeopardise this payment, as much as it stings the pride to have to take it.

He doesn’t pay for anything else though, and I’ve just managed to scrape together for a nice one bedroom flat, which with two children and a small income, I am exceptionally proud of. I have a Murphy bed for the living room - the girls will share the master don’t worry!

Contact him and ask how he is planning on collecting them and dropping them back. Obv you want them with you on your birthday.

So basically he wants the girls there as pretty little decorations for his wedding to another woman? Then afterwards they can go home and he can fuck off on honeymoon with the new woman? So no bedtime, no story time, mealtime dramas etc, just the cutesy wootsey bits of parenting.

Is it just me or would this not sit well with others too? He can get to fuck op, he really can.

He has plenty but you live with his two children in a one bedroom flat? How did that work? Where did you live when you were with him? He pays school fees and no other maintenance? Is that right? What does the CSA say?

I always want the girls to have a choice, but in the instance I think they need to go, to show that they have had every opportunity to be with their father that I could possibly facilitate, and that I have done my utmost to keep our breakdown of relationship from impacting on the one we have with the girls.

You're contradicting yourself, OP. I agree that your daughters should be given the choice. If they don't want to go, don't force them. I wouldn't want to see my father marrying another woman one year after he left my mother. It's a hard thing to swallow at any age.

Jesus - no way would I do this.
Some people are just twats.

OP do NOT drive them there and back. That is just fucking treating you like a piece of shit. Sorry but it is.

Has he actually had the courtesy to ask you to make the girls available that weekend? I would do nothing until he does. And then when he does say "sure, they are looking forward to it. Let me know your arrangements so I can be at home for pick up and drop off. If you want to have them the night before or after, just let me know"

Do NOT under any circumstances let yourself be the nanny who drops off and collects the kids for his lordships convenience. His sister or mother or aunt or cousin or best friend can put themselves out to collect and drop his children. YOU are the last person who should be putting herself out for his wedding.

And again, your posts should be a sticky under "So he said marriage was just a piece of paper"

and by the way this wedding will be hard for your daughters.

Years ago I was at a wedding where the 6 and 4 year old children of the bride were present (in a minor starring role). I could see their faces - the 6 year old particularly clearly wished to be anywhere but there. The 4 year old hardly knew what was happening. The groom's mother seemed to have the most sympathy toward the 2 kids - the groom and bride just wanted everyone to be happy for them and their great love ignoring that this was a devastating thing for these 2 children, no matter how much they liked the groom.

That marriage worked out well enough - probably very well. The groom (we were his friends) was close to the 2 kids and they seem to all be a fairly functional happy family 21 years on. I can still see that 6 year old though. She knew what was happening and she wasn't one bit happy about it.

Don't send them. It's not like it's a few years down the track and they've had a long slow gentle introduction to a new partner.. They have barely adjusted to the upheaval, at their age, a new partner and seeing "daddy" getting married to someone other than mummy is going to make them feel really odd.

I would keep them at home, he does not seem to have thought through their mental well being.

@CandyFlip Complex - he has plenty because his family have plenty and then some. The house we had was effectively given to us by his parents when I was very ill after DD1 - they paid for half, he paid for about 25% and we took out a small mortgage for the rest but they had a charge on it that meant when it was sold when we split, they took a percentage back, the bank took their chunk and XP and I split what was left which wasn’t much. The money I got from that, and my own savings, enabled me to buy the flat I’m exchanging on now without a mortgage so that I can save as much as I can for a bigger deposit on a very nice house - sorry, made myself sound far more impoverished than I am, I’m perfectly comfortable, I just live in an exceptionally expensive area.

CSA is tricky and still being negotiated for the benefit of the girls. I’m not interested in the money so it’s going to go into a trust for their university/house deposits. I have a job and a brain and while I have those I have my own income which will be sufficient. I hope the new Mrs XP is very happy in the ridiculous SUVs he enjoys buying - like driving a sodding boat.

Sending op, that must really hurt. His dd's probably do need to go so smile (through gritted teeth!!) but no way should you be ferrying them about like that. If they want them there they can make arrangements for the whole weekend because you're going away.

Everything Pallisers said.

Every single bloody word.

You are not a babysitter, nor a chauffeur.

Decorum. He should exercise it.