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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
Gonegirlfriday · 16/05/2018 07:13

If you had been married, he literally couldn't be marrying someone else this quickly, you wouldn't be divorced. You'd think that would show him how inappropriate it was.
I wouldn't do it, but wouldn't it be tempting to collect them from the reception and chat to some other guests? Bet the story they're telling bout how they met/timescales is quite far from the truth...

DeadGood · 16/05/2018 07:15

Ignore the nitwits OP. You sound like you’re doing great.
What a shitty situation - hope it gets resolved to your satisfaction. So nobody from his family wants to duck out of the ceremony to drop her back? Too bad then.

Storm4star · 16/05/2018 07:16

I have to agree with pp’s that say they shouldn’t go. They are way too young to not only see, but actually be flower girls, at their dads marriage just a year after he left them. I’m disgusted by him tbh. This is too much for young girls of that age to understand, and I don’t think it’s a good lesson for them for the future. What does it show them? A man leaves his long term partner, and two little girls, and everyone smiles happily when he marries someone else a year later? Not something I’d want young girls being made an active part of.

lasttimeround · 16/05/2018 07:18

They are very young and split is really recent. If they are yo go at all he needs to make suitable arrangements for getting them there and back and looked after by someone they know well. I do tjink its important for their relationship w dad that they go to his wedding. But i also think that its important for their relationship with dad that he treats them as two little children who need looking after with care and compassion and not like accessories.

Ryder63 · 16/05/2018 07:18

Ha! your ex may have money, but clearly no class! I wouldn't take or fetch the DC either. Your text to ex sounds very reasonable - and shows you will NOT be a doormat to this tacky show.

MotherofTerriers · 16/05/2018 07:20

I would be tempted to feed them their own body weight in haribo and chocolate and then drop them off. But I can see that’s not what’s best for your girls.
His responsibility to pick up, drop off and properly look after during the event. I wouldn’t agree to all that driving, unfair of his mum to ask you. Just message and ask him what arrangements he is making

Laineymc7 · 16/05/2018 07:20

He sounds like a selfish prick. Putting himself first. It’s such a recent split and because of their bloody affair. How awful for you and your kids. He hasn’t thought about anyone but himself. How are your kids going to feel watching him marry someone else. This could be terribly upsetting and confusing for them when not that long ago you were a family unit. I’d put you and yours kids first sod everyone else. How dare they ask you to help them but taking your children their on their wedding day. I really don’t think anyone would think bad of you by not letting them go. Totally up to you.

shinysinkredemption · 16/05/2018 07:21

I am so sorry to read your post OP. What a scumbag.

Agree wholeheartedly with I think MNHQ should make your post a sticky for all the women living with men for whom "but marriage is just a bit of paper".

I agree with all the tell him to fuck off posters; and no he doesn't deserve your help in any degree, but ultimately your girls come first.

Obviously, long term the best thing for your DC is for you to maintain a civil relationship with XP and Mrs XP. Especially if/when they have DC. As your XP is being a twat by getting married so soon after your split, when your DC are so young, you can buffer his selfish behaviour by driving, and collecting them as soon as you can after they have done their bit. Not fair but better for DC, surely. Could they come back to you ASAP after the service rather than sit through a wedding reception possibly feeling miserable?

It's shitty but the best thing would be if they could enjoy the day to some degree; you're clearly much better off without him and sound really sorted moving forward.

PleaseAndThanks · 16/05/2018 07:22

OP I feel really sorry for you, I would feel really hurt if my DP didn’t want to marry me and then married someone else that quickly. I think you sound very level headed and mature and it’s clear that you’re main concern is putting your DDs first, which is the main thing.

You absolutely should not be driving DDs to and from wedding. That suggestion is absurd.

Original poster
fikit · 16/05/2018 07:23

Also huge thank you for all the support on this thread.

OP posts:
PleaseAndThanks · 16/05/2018 07:23

In all honesty I think it’s extremely unfair on your DDs that he is marrying someone else so quickly.

Petalflowers · 16/05/2018 07:24

This is one of the cheekiest relationships I have ever heard on mn.

However, although I agree you shouldn’t be demanded to chauffeur your children, I think you need to consider the needs of your daughters. It’s going to be a strange day for them, their father marrying a strange woman shortly leaving after the family home. Therefore, I would take them and then be near so if they need you, you can get to them quickly. As others have said, stay in hotel nearby, or,go shopping nearby, so they can ring you if they need you, and you can collect them immediately, or you can collect them straight after the reception.

Hugs for you. What a horrible situation.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 16/05/2018 07:24

What a shitty situation. inagreebwith the others, if it's so important his DDs are part of the ceremony he should be ensuring he is able to arrange transport. In fact I think he shouldn't be abandoning them to jaunt off on honeymoon. They are an accessory aren't they!

I don't know what I would do. Will you be safe driving them back as it's still so raw for you? What a bastard he is.

Re school fees ... be careful. I have two friends who's exes stopped paying the fees very quickly. My ex stopped paying agreed maintenance to a child at uni even though he agreed to continue to support during finance discussions. They look at all the expenses they can chop when enjoying their new lives and wanting big houses and big cars and luxury holidays irrespective of their huge salaries. They always want more it seems.

I realise I've been no help to you for your current predicament sorry

shinysinkredemption · 16/05/2018 07:25

Just read your update OP. I can see the sister saying it's not her responsibility either...

Do the DC really have to be there??? Does he really want them there? I do think it's totally unreasonable of him to expect you to get them ready and send them off with a smile (despite post below).

MollyHuaCha · 16/05/2018 07:25

Such a difficult situation for you all. I would maybe offer to take the girls there (for the girls' sake, so they felt supported).

I would ask someone at the wedding to bring the girls home either that day or the next day.

shinysinkredemption · 16/05/2018 07:27

Yes Fluffy I've heard horror stories of the new wife trying to cut money and contact with XP family. Another reason IMO to be diplomatic at all times.

pigeondujour · 16/05/2018 07:28

You don't sound like a doormat. You sound absolutely lovely and I'm glad this prick never got to be your husband. Booking to fly off on honeymoon immediately after the wedding like two 19 year old virgins in the 50s is just embarrassing - who does that these days, let alone recently separated people with two kids?! It'll be a nice birthday present to think of them getting up hungover and grumpy with each other on the first day of their 'new life', though, and how long it'll be til she starts worrying about where his next affair's going to spring up from. Hope it rains on their wedding day Smile

Lovemusic33 · 16/05/2018 07:29

I know it must be really hard for you but I would grit my teeth and drop them off. Think yourself lucky that it’s her marrying the cheating bastard, he cheated on you with her and will probably do the same to her. Drop them off, arrange for someone to meet you to take them in and bring them out. Don’t let your ex see how upset you are, keep your chin up and stay strong.

Doilooklikeatourist · 16/05/2018 07:30

Exactly what lasttimeround said
And the last update from OP
I think they should go ( or rather be taken by someone they know from your XP family )
You’re being very strong OP , dignified is the way forward

SunshineandRain18 · 16/05/2018 07:30

Well done for telling him it's his problem OP!
Let us know if you get a response.
Flowers

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/05/2018 07:32

I agree with others that I wouldn’t make the school fees the hill you die on in terms of his contributions. The girls are very young, and I bet he is going to start re-negotiating his contribution there once he and his new wife have children together. It will be far harder for them to have to change schools later in their school career and much, much easier for them to settle at a new one now - they’re barely of school age yet.

As far as the marriage goes, I agree with one or two others that I would swallow my own feelings for the day and deal with the girls myself just for the peace of mind of knowing that they felt as safe and secure as they possibly could in what is going to be a quite confusing day for them. I would drop them off, with lots of cuddles and reassurance, find somewhere near by for shopping, lunch, whatever, and pick them up at the end knowing that I would then be able to get them home and snuggled into their own bed with stories and cuddles from me.

TuTru · 16/05/2018 07:34

Do the kids want to go?
I collected my daughter from her dads wedding. Held my head high and jst done it. For my daughter not for him xx

CitySnicker · 16/05/2018 07:34

It's not just a ploy to ensure he gets them at the wedding is it?
Asking for them to be at the wedding AND for you to transport with the hope that you'll want to be seen as reasonable and not say 'no' to everything...just the transporting part.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/05/2018 07:34

Oh, OK, typed my message before I read your update.

Butterymuffin · 16/05/2018 07:35

I agree with Blankscreen about your DDs' school. Don't give up all sorts of other things in life to keep them in that school - certainly when he could just decide to stop paying anyway at any point (eg when a new child comes along). Kids of that young age are unlikely to be benefitting from a private school specifically. I really would look at moving them for September so that you aren't tied into an arrangement that you can't maintain yourself but that leaves you sleeping in a living room. You making that sacrifice isn't necessarily best for the girls.

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