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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
Suresurelah · 16/05/2018 02:36

He does’nt speak to you but indirectly expects you to do a 100 mile round trip to drop off and pick up on his wedding day (to the OW)....

Fuck that shit!

I would tell him that he is to organise this himself as it’s his contact weekend and you will not be the unpaid nanny.

Also, what kind of father is he. He’s happy to not pay you CM because he pays the school fees..? Ask yourself this OP, what happens if they have DC? Will he continue to do this then? Doubtful, very doubtful indeed!

Candyflip · 16/05/2018 02:52

I wasn’t meaning to be nosy fikit It just didn’t seem fair. He does sound like a bit of a twat though. I think you are behaving admirably, I don’t think he really deserves it though!

choli · 16/05/2018 03:15

Ask your daughters if they want to be there to see their dad marry another woman.

Indeed. Nothing better than setting up your kids with guilt over your divorce as young as possible.

ferntwist · 16/05/2018 03:26

No way should you be driving two 100-mile round trips to drop them off and pick them up OP. Stay strong

MrsCrabbyTree · 16/05/2018 03:33

Some people are so focused on their own needs and wants that they fail to see how their expectations and requests are inconsiderate, hurtful and totally selfish. Your ex is one of them.

A decent ex (and new partner) would not expect his of you. Surely his family and friends are doing some major eye-rolling on your behalf.

It's not just the insensitive request that deserves a 'no' from you but also the logistics of driving back and forth does as well.

I really feel sad for you OP and hope that peace and happiness is just around the corner.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/05/2018 03:42

Do they know their aunt pretty well, your DDs? I wouldn't want to have left DS2 anywhere without me when he was 4, he'd have been a bit of a mess! Especially as it will be pretty overwhelming, everything going on, all the people and noise and so on. And no mummy to run to!!

I don't like the set up and I don't like the way they're suggesting you should pick them up. If you can trust their aunt to stay sober and look after them all day, then can you trust her to look after them overnight as well? And you collect them from hers on the morning after - your Birthday?

If you don't trust her or any other member of his family to look after your DC properly (because, trust me, he won't do it - he''ll be "too busy") then don't let them go.

ourkidmolly · 16/05/2018 03:56

You sound like a massive doormat and quite feeble. You've been completely turned over in this relationship. I suggest you see a solicitor who can negotiate a better deal for you and a counsellor to deal with your self esteem issues. As for private school, your dds will not appreciate living in cramped conditions in years to come and your future financial security is completely compromised by this which is ridiculous as if you live in such an expensive area how can schools be so poor? The kids are v small, they don't remember this move. You sound so martyred.
Wedding advice, yes they should be there but it's absolutely not your job to facilitate it. So do not. They can go home with your mil or they can go up the hotel room with sitter. Do not even contemplate getting involved. Yours is salutary tale.

beingsunny · 16/05/2018 03:59

I'm going to go against the grain here, I think I would take them and pick them up.

If this is going to be a rough day for them I would want to be there for them to reassure them it's all ok, and give them hugs and love when they leave.

That said he is a complete twat and I'd also love to say no!

At the end though it's about the kids and what's going to best for their wellbeing on the day.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 04:02

Poor girls, used as props at a wedding to another woman while his side of the bed is barely cold. Flowers

You say his sister is responsible. Could she drop them off the next morning and look after them overnight? Could you be in contact with her instead of your bonkers ex Mil? I know upthread someone said how your very young children are looked after isn’t your business. However, he’s entering into this foolhardy relationship without a thought for them and therefore sounds wildly irresponsible. Idk if I’d trust him with arrangements.

What a bastard 😡 having the wedding the day before your birthday. I’m sure he could have waited a few months... or shock, horror a year to get the children used to her and ensure she will make a suitable stepmother. No consideration from a-z.

If you did as they are suggesting, wouldn’t you feel desperately embarrassed showing up and searching for the girls? If you were ok with it, perhaps it would be a good plan as long as he pays for your expenses. Ie fuel, hotel room - 1 or 2 nights if he wants them there early - lunch, dinner and breakfast. You wouldn’t have to stay very close by, something nice 5 miles away would ensure you didn’t encounter wedding guests.

If you did this, I would get him to sign a carefully worded document from a solitor that a) he pays your expenses and b) you are guaranteed to have your girls for the entire day and the preceding/ subsequent ones on your birthday guaranteed every year. I wouldn’t put it past these self absorbed idiots to expect the girls to be there to celebrate their anniversary next year.

Why the rush? Is she pregnant?

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/05/2018 04:05

I meant to add, if you can’t get a guarantee from your sil she’ll look after the girls, I’m not sure I’d let them go. Imagine turning up to the reception to be confronted by a drunk ex not wanting you to take the girls and itching for a fight. Would that happen?

Imchlibob · 16/05/2018 04:08

Don't be a doormat op. How you behave now will be a lesson for your dc so make sure your decision is made with self respect and putting your kids needs first, then your own, and Ex-P and his fiancee after that.

You do not have to be chauffeur, or involved at all. Logistics are your ex's problem.

stevemcm1 · 16/05/2018 04:21

Your daughters sound pretty cool. They say they don't wanna go? They shouldn't have to go - problem solved.

TawandaT · 16/05/2018 04:24

Oof! I'll join the chorus of let him sort the logistics of getting the girls to and from. He needs to get used to sorting things without you.

But....you have a bigger problem. The school fees may be getting paid now but I imagine they won't be in the future once new little siblings pop up and the new wife realises how much money is going out the door every month. The only way I'd even consider it is if the fees for primary were put in a trust for them now. This man has shown his colours. He's not thought how this wedding will affect his children nor will he think of how it will affect them when he stops paying fees. Get a trust fund set up or move them to state school and get the maintenance you're owed. They are only little and moving school will be fine, it really will. You trying to placate this twat to keep your kids in private school is unhealthy and most likely will be unsuccessful in the long run.

user1493423934 · 16/05/2018 04:29

OP i don't have anything else to add to what has already been said: Your ex has DD's Friday - Sunday and it is up to him to organise everything. Please plan something nice for yourself that weekend. I can't believe your ex is getting married near your birthday! he sounds like a twat and you're better off without him.
And please ignore the judgy comments on this thread re saying you should have got married before having your DD's and also the one calling you a doormat Hmm. Not helpful. Take care of yourself.

LokiBear · 16/05/2018 05:50

He's rushing this wedding under pressure from the ow who needs to try and feel more important. It is a guilt driven venture to try and justify their affair. Shame on them. Take comfort in that knowledge, though. His feelings on marriage haven't changed, he still doesn't see the point in It, so why is he doesn't It? To justify his awful behaviour. I went to a wedding similar to this once, me and several of the cheating grooms friends sat hooking our judgy pants up during the vows at the lack of truth in them. The officiant told a ridiculous storey about how they met and it sounded like The plot to a Hollywood film. Meanwhile, the congregation sat there exchanging looks because we all knew that the start of their relationship included lots of sneaking around behind his first wife's back. It was farcical. I only went because I was forced to (I'm related to the groom a d it caused a bit of a family rift) but the whole thing left me feeling quite bitter. If I were you, I'd tell him your dd's can be available for the weekend. I'd agree to dropping them to his mother the day before and picking them up the day after. It is too far to travel twice in one day. You can also tell them you have plans for your birthday if you feel you need to give a reason. Keep things as stress free your end as you can for your dd's and ignore any stress his end. Call his bluff on any threats to stop paying for their schooling - he needs to believe that he can not use that as a threat to hang over your head. Stay calm. Imagine his impotence if he threatens to stop paying and you respond 'I'm sorry you feel that way. The girls love their school and you and I both know the benefits of a private education. However, I've checked out the local comps and they seem pretty good so do what you must.' He is them the bad guy 1000 times over. He loses any power he thinks his money brings him and he looks even worse.

haverhill · 16/05/2018 06:06

Your children are still so young, I’d be worried that when they’re older they’ll be angry that they were involved in this wedding at all. Having them as flower girls is implying their approval, as young as they are.
I’d be sorely tempted to do what other pps have suggested and book a nice little break instead. Why should your children be used to legitimise his shitty behaviour?

AnnaT45 · 16/05/2018 06:07

Sounds like he wants you there to see it all and cause you more pain. No normal person would expect this, please don't do it.

Also agree this wedding has been rushed to validate the relationship. I think relationships that start as affairs must be really hard as there must always be a voice that says it could happen again

Good for you on the flat!

NewYearNewMe18 · 16/05/2018 06:13

There is so much spite on this thread, women who really would prevent shared children at their own fathers wedding.

You have to be the bigger person here OP, as unpleasant as it is, you wouldn't be too chuffed if you were getting married and your Ex decided he was keeping the kids and they wouldn't be attending.

That said you have said (a) you don't want to do the drop off (b) his mother is elderly and you don't want her to do it (c) you wont allow any one else to do it.

Bit of an impasse isn't it?

Springnowplease · 16/05/2018 06:13

Say you are ok with the girls attending but his family will have to organise picking them up, dressing them for the wedding and dropping them off. Not your circus etc.

user1487194234 · 16/05/2018 06:18

What do the girls want to do

Suresurelah · 16/05/2018 06:20

Being the bigger person does not equate to doing a 100 mile round trip twice in one day!

OP, please remember that this is not your problem to solve. It’s your twat of an ex to think about.

Pengggwn · 16/05/2018 06:24

In all honesty, I wouldn't let them go at all. It's too soon after the breakup for them to stand there smiling as their dad, who left the family, marries someone else. Very confusing. I'd send a card from the girls and go away for the weekend.

AnnaT45 · 16/05/2018 06:24

I think it would take a very big person to drop them off and pick them up when it's so raw. But also it's his wedding he can sort it why is OP responsible for their transport?!

Pengggwn · 16/05/2018 06:24

women who really would prevent shared children at their own fathers wedding

I would, but not out of spite.

fedupandnogin · 16/05/2018 06:25

Agree it's up to your ex to sort out transport arrangements for the girls if he wants them there. And on the day of the wedding please plan something special for yourself so you are not at home thinking about it.