No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

What do your dds want to do. Id go with their wants but not pick up at reception. He needs to plan something here

I wouldn't even send them at all. I can't see anything positive in it for them.

Is this your access weekend? If so, make plans to go away with the girls for your birthday.

I would take them, do something else there and pick them up again. Sorry. For them I think it would be the best thing. I don't think they should choose, they are too young.

I would also be extremely nosy about the wedding

But I agree totally about getting a trust fund sorted for the school fees if you can. Otherwise your X has got you over a barrel for the next 14 years plus.

I'm in a rush, but I noticed you referred to the OW as a 'lucky sod'. She isn't. What he did to you, he is capable of doing to her, married or not. He's no catch.

I am sorry that you are, very understandably, hurting

I've given this some thought OP, and I don't think you should send them.
Could you say that you have plans for your birthday, and you have made arrangements to stay with a friend or relative, further afield ?
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and your little girls, but you're doing a sterling job, and you'll get through this.
We're right behind you ! 💐

JFC that is the cheekiest thing I’ve ever read.

6 month relationship? The DDs shouldn't have even met the OW yet never mind going to a wedding??????

They wouldn't be going.

Being the 'bigger person' may be reluctantly facilitating your daughters going but doesn't mean acquiescence to all that they ask. As pp said, what if you arrive as requested then someone is intoxicated and you are cast as the horrible ex dragging his daughters away? So go and sit in the car park till they are ready for you? If the girls want to go, it's up to ex to facilitate!

Prioritize the Trust fund for school fees and refuse to engage about the wedding at all, mentally or otherwise until that is sorted.

Your daughter's have been abandoned by their Daddy and are now expected to endorse his abandoning them. It's not the kind of situation they will be happy about whether they attend or not. Point this out to his DM - they are actually going to be sent to a wedding where they will end the evening without either of their parents? Neither ex or ow comes out if this looking like they give one tiny shiny shite about your DDs' welfare, mental or physical.

*daughters

I think this is much more than just the two of you separating then him moving on with someone else. That is a completely different situation, if your relationship had totally broken down frst, and the pair of you were moving on with other people.
He has really insulting you - 12 years together but refusing to get married, but then jumping straight in after having affair. Essentially, you were good enough to bear his children, but not good enough to be his wife? I was married to one of those!
Only he married me just to get himself a UK passport. Then spent the entire marriage treating me like dog dirt on his shoe.

In your circumstance, I would be booking a nice 2 week holiday abroad for myself and the children, which coincides very nicely with the wedding. No way would I be playing taxi driver to help facilitate his happy day. You owe him nothing, tell him to kiss your arse, in the same way he has essentially told you to kiss his.

I think you would not be unreasonable to not send them to the wedding given the timescale of your break up. It wasn't 3 years ago or two years ago it is very recent for the children and so if he wants his children there maybe he shouldn't rushing into a wedding. It could be too much for them emotionally let anyone the practicalities of the 100 mile round trip
. You are in a difficult situation, normally I would think it mean to stop children attending their other parents wedding. But I think in this case it is too soon.

Another one basically agreeing with everything pallisers has written.

Your hurt and anger in respect of your circumstances is entirely understandable, entirely. I truly feel for you.
But your dd's are not you, their relationship with their father will hopefully continue for the rest of their lives and you owe it to them not to make them feel they have to take sides to protect you.
Your ex may turn out to be a crap father - the future will tell that but hopefully it won't be the case, but his actions in relation to you and your relationship are separate to his role as a father to his children.

Co-parenting after separation can be tough. In the immediate aftermath when emotions are fraught it's very tough. But you (both) as adults have a duty to support your children through it as impartially as you can. Whether or not their father does this doesn't absolve you of the same duty.
In time, if he is fundamentally a decent person (and I know you don't think he is now, but sometimes people do crap things - it's doesn't mean they are 100% crap people) then the co-parenting will settle down and it becomes not so tough.
I really hope this happens for you.

OP, you are being held hostage by money here. I also think you are being a doormat.

It is incredibly cheeky of your ex mil to ask, but (if they're going) your girls might appreciate you being nearby to rescue them.

I agree with Pallisers. Although I’d want them back by say 11 the next day so I could spend my birthday with them.

A trust fund for School fees would be good, but how many people have the cash up front for 26 years of fees?

What a horrible place place to put you in, and a horrible thing to expect you to do. I don’t know if anyone’s suggested this, but, if you think they should attend the ceremony, could you drop them off for that, wait somewhere (with cake, tea and a book, or even better, a good friend), and have the sister or someone bring them to you after? There’s no need for them to attend the actual reception, which will presumably be loud, overwhelming and not full of children for them to play with?

this is a totally horrible situation to be in. It sounds like you think the girls should be there, but, of course, you don't want to have to pick them up from the reception and it's too far for his mother.

Off the wall suggestion-Is there a lovely hotel nearby where you could go for night- have spa treatments/ whatever in the day and his mother/sister bring the kids there in a taxi? Obvs ex should pay. You and dds will then all be together for birthday brekkie in the hotel.

For chrissake don’t let their private education be like some fucking totem you cling on to to justify constantly appeasing him. You don’t need me to tell you it’ll only get more expensive as they grow up, and more difficult to manage as NW has kids. It’ll much easier to remove them now, than it will when they’re approaching their teens.

Say no, that doesn't work for you. They want the girls there, they sort it out

This OP . Hurtful as fuck for you

Op I feel fury for you.

I think you need to make them available to go but you have accepted that but you certainly don't need to be dogs body for the day. Bloody cheek.

He his mother and sister (if need be) will need to work out the childcare between them. Can you set up a Watts app group and add them all into it?

Along the lines of the "girls would love to come but I'm not able to do the running around. Can you all let me know what the arrangements are for looking after them etc. Happy for you to have them from Friday or Saturday morning whichever is more convenient"

That way there is no confusion amongst My other that you are being unreasonable.

Also if the arsehole has left you with hardly any money how are you meant to pay for the petrol.

Be wary of the school fees it already sounds s though they are being used to blackmail you with. Does he pay you maintenance or are the school fees in lieu of ?

My sister's exh also pulled the plug on the private school just because he could he could easily afford it. Luckily they adjusted ok. But at senior he offered private again Nd she was like no fucking way are you pulling that stunt again.

You sound amazing - but I agree with everything @Beingsunny.

I feel for you - but picking them up in jeans (looking casual but amazing) and showing you are the (much) better person for the sake of your children is such a good look!

I really wish you well for the future

They should go, but you shouldn’t be taking and collecting them!

Ex can pick up the night before and drop back after the wedding (and not drink!) if he wants them there.

“Of course tbe DDs are able to go, u fortunately I won’t be able to help with the transport. Please let me know what arrangements you put in place so that they can attend”

Had a skim through the replies - interesting split. Thank you to the many calling me a doormat, most helpful. I don’t particularly wish to spend the rest of my life in a constant battle with somebody, and am willing to make allowances on certain occasions to keep the matter civil. I have an excellent solicitor who has done the best she can in view of the fact that the law has not yet caught up, and unmarried couples separating still do not enjoy the same rights as those who are married. My self esteem issues are quite a leap in diagnosis, but thank you for your unhelpful tip, I will bear that in mind.

The issue I am taking with this is the way that it seems to have been arranged. I was aware of the wedding, I was aware of the girls’ involvement, I was aware that they would need to come back to me on the night, I assumed that he would have the presence of mind to arrange them staying the night before (can’t, apparently, they’re staying in a hotel) and that he, or one of his sisters, would drop them home first. The way that his mother has assumed that I will be available to do this is the part that sticks. When she picks up the girls, she usually has one of her daughters or grandsons drive her to mine, but they can’t do that this time, and I’m not comfortable sending the girls off alone with somebody they don’t know very well.

The terms of the Separation Order set out the requirement to pay school fees very clearly. If he chooses not to pay, he is required to make statutory payments, unless he cites financial hardship. He is extremely good at shielding assets, so although this is worst case scenario, it’s something that I have lingering as a worry. DD1 is exceptionally shy and I don’t want her taken out of a school in which she is blossoming in confidence so soon after our split. My eventual intention is to be back up to my old level at work, making a good salary and be able to pay for their school fees myself. It’s not unfeasible, nor far off, it’s just not going to be right now. Once that’s done, I’m not reliant on him for anything, he just has to pick the girls up on time once a week and pay into their trusts, which he is bound to do, seems amenable to, and I would take him to court over if he did not.

So - have texted XP to no reply, adv him that the girls getting there will be his responsibility, but to discuss this with me first, as it’s a long way for them to go if he’s not doing it, nor any of his family, and I will want someone supervising them on this trip, and confirming that sister is taking responsibility for them.

Sorry op just seen that he doesn't pay for anything else. Therefore you are effectively making a huge sacrifice for private school by not receiving maintenance and you really can't afford it.

I doubt it is just the school.which means they are flourishing......... The end of the summer term would be a good natural break to move them.

I worry that if they stay there and you get no maintenance you will end up as the drudge parent and he will literally be the Disney dad. You have a right to have fun with your children too.

Does he have any proper contact with them? I know it's hard but if he has them every other weekend. You will get some time to yourself and he and his new wife can get the joy of being parents together.