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I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

(580 Posts)
CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 08-Mar-18 09:15:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

JennyOnAPlate Thu 08-Mar-18 09:18:28

I can't advance advise on the practicalities my love but you are not a crap Mum. You removed your child from a situation where she wasn't safe. That makes you a bloody brilliant Mum flowers

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Thu 08-Mar-18 09:20:08

Call the police non emergy number, explain the situation and officers can escort you to get the paperwork you need and belongings for you and your daughter.

Go you have a crime reference number and an officer in charge of your case?

mummyrabbitpeppapig Thu 08-Mar-18 09:21:49

Can you ring DLA/PIP and other benefits you're claiming and ask them to send you p

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 08-Mar-18 09:22:52

I have a crime reference number as I reported it but it was husband first offence so he got a caution.

Police have said not to go back to the flat, when I ask to go and get things for my DD they say they wouldn’t advice I go back which is also what the Housing Association have said. It’s not fair!

SleepingStandingUp Thu 08-Mar-18 09:23:09

You aren't a crap mom. He abused you, in front of your child and you got yourself and your child out of there to somewhere safe. You followed the advice of the Police which was to get somewhere safe.

Hopefully someone more useful well post but I just wanted to tell you you ARE a good mom for greeting yourself and your daughter out. In years to come she won't remember this, but she would remember her Dad killing her Mom, or a childhood full of Dad hurting Mom.

Ask if the HA has a DV support officer or similar'

Has he contacted you since?

Do you have s key? Could someone go with you / for you whilst he is out?

ohbigdaddio Thu 08-Mar-18 09:23:42

Hi catlady I'm not an expert and someone more knowledgeable will be along soon BUT this sentence stood out...*I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back*

You have absolutely done the right thing, if you had stayed you may have been killed, leaving DD without a mum. Your DD will be proud of what you have done for her when she is old enough to understand.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 08-Mar-18 09:24:02

Cross post.

Does he work?

3littlemonkeys82 Thu 08-Mar-18 09:24:02

Can you log on to your government gateway account? This should give you details of your CTC award and next payment due date which could maybe be used to prove your entitlement to LA?

Sorry you’re going through this.

mummyrabbitpeppapig Thu 08-Mar-18 09:24:07

Posted too soon - send you your entitlement award notices, or contact Jobcentre plus - explain your situation and make an appointment to get proof of benefits letters? If all else fails - contact citizens advice and women's aid. Good luck

LouHotel Thu 08-Mar-18 09:24:33

Just to echo another poster, you are an amazing mum for taking action and leaving your abusive partner.

3 weeks might seem like a long time (and shitty that you have to wait) to get women's aid but after that its the start of a new life.

Could your brother go to your house to collect some belongings if the police cant'. Obviously with some witnesses in case it kicks off.

Ffswtf Thu 08-Mar-18 09:28:50

You are a brilliant and brave mum flowersflowers You put your little ones needs above all else and got yourselves away from this poor excuse for a man. This shitty situation is of his making, not yours. Can you speak to the police about getting assistance to access your belongings? Big hugs my lovely, you can do this xxx

Rinoachicken Thu 08-Mar-18 09:30:57

I was abused my by ex and we lived in in a joint tenancy situation like you are. Police removed him from the home and the council changed the locks even though he was on the tenancy.

Because he was on bail, he was not allowed near the house.

You need to get advice on this because it seems to me that the police have massively fucked up by removing you and not him. They should have removed him and then you would have simply taken out a non-molestation order on him and he would have had bail conditions also.

Has he been arrested? Is it being investigated?

Does he work? If so, you could go back when you know he is out to get your stuff etc?

I had to peruse a court order to remove my ex from the tenancy in the end

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 08-Mar-18 09:31:31

Yes he works but he was arrested at work so is currently suspended.

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 08-Mar-18 09:32:31

He admitted it to the police so no investigation needed but it’s his first offence so he was given a caution and let go.

rascallyrascal Thu 08-Mar-18 09:33:27

Is there anyway you can go back with someone - like your brother? Or call the police and ask them to get stuff for you or accompany you? I'm sorry this has happened to you. You sound like a lovely
Mum and you have done the best thing for your daughter.

Shedmicehugh Thu 08-Mar-18 09:35:31

Why didn’t the police arrest him?

england.shelter.org.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0020/23393/ShelterGuide_RelationshipBreakdown.pdf

This might be helpful, particularly page 11 and 18. Seems you could apply for an order to remove him from the house and name removed from tenancy. Might worth looking into.

Rinoachicken Thu 08-Mar-18 09:36:04

I thought they weren’t supposed to just ‘caution’ for domestic abuse cases anymore? Anyone know?

It seems to me like it’s the police who have fucked up here and let him off the hook

Shedmicehugh Thu 08-Mar-18 09:37:15

This

“An occupation order is one of the court's key powers in cases involving domestic violence. The order controls who lives in a home, and can be used to exclude those who use or threaten violence, as well as perpetrators of sexual or psychological abuse. If a person breaches an occupation order, it is contempt of court”

Missingstreetlife Thu 08-Mar-18 09:40:25

Hold on. It will get better. Once you get support from women's aid you can start to get things sorted and more settled.
Your child is not safe with him, supervised contact only, or none. This is a crisis and feels terrible, but probably will end up being the best decision you have made. Would you be safe going home if he leaves, or will he harass you?

PaperdollCartoon Thu 08-Mar-18 09:41:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this - but you are absolutely NOT a crap Mum. You did the right thing getting your child away and keeping her and you safe.

Definitely ask again if the police can at the very least escort you to get your paperwork. Tell them you want to stay away be without your paperwork you’re in a really difficult position. Failing that, have you possibly got a number of large male friends/family members who could go with you at a time you know he won’t be there?

You can also call DLA/CTC and change your address to your mums and ask for proof of entitlement to be sent to your new address. This is easy to do, I have done it myself a number of times.

I know it seems a nightmare at the moment but everywhere from here is forward to a better life. You have made the first step and that’s the hardest, keep going flowers

GracefulDroid Thu 08-Mar-18 09:41:45

Please pm me. I could have written this and after a year of fighting I am with my children and living away from ex happily. Pm me xx

TatianaLarina Thu 08-Mar-18 09:43:53

Hi OP, you need to call the www.ncdv.org.uk 0800 970 2070

They can organise emergency orders including non mols and occupation orders for free.

Crime number will help.

Missingstreetlife Thu 08-Mar-18 09:48:03

If not safe, housing should offer you transfer locally, or where you will be safe. Don't take your name off tenancy. You will win in the end.

tiggytape Thu 08-Mar-18 09:48:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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