I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

[Motoko]

See you over there!

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

New thread over on relationships here

All updates will be posted over on that thread from now on.

[Jux]

Aw, how lovely!

You sound like you're very much on the 'up' now, CatLady, and dd sounds like she's blossoming a little...

This is all great news. Thanks for keeping us updated, it's so good to hear how you're both doing xx

Let ex take you to Court. Don't waste any time, effort or mental energy on him, have a break 🥂

[Motoko]

Aww, how sweet!

You're going to need to start a new thread, as this one is almost out of posts. Might be an idea to start it in the Relationships forum, with a link to this thread (as people will ask for it constantly if it's not in the first post). Then post the link to that post on this one before it fills up, so we can find you and continue to support you (and be your cheerleaders!).

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

The nursery has a non compulsory uniform, that DD has insisted she must wear as she's a "big girl now mummy". Just putting her in it and she looks so grown up, I only cried a tiny bit I promise.

[hibeat]

you are a great mum. Read carefully the advice and follow through it's tough right now but it will get better.

[Dandeliontea123]

Great news about the move and DD enjoying the play centre, CatLady. Agree it's time for a new thread

[Guardianreaderformysins]

Catlady, just wanted send some love your way. Also, the police have made a real mistake with not classing as DV and it might be in your interests to make an official complain and ask for a review of this decision. You can challenge that. Best of luck with all the challenges you are facing. You’ll be in my thoughts.

[LadyOdd]

I’ve been reading your thread since the beginning but haven’t had any advice but have been sending good thoughts and rooting for you! I think your lovely and strong and I want to hear more about your life and beautiful daughter you’ve really touched my heart ❤️ please make a new thread before this one fills up x

With a positive title as things will just get better!
CatLady:A new beginning

[Mxyzptlk]

Brilliant stuff!

[Motoko]

Yay, go you! Hopefully, the more times you go, the longer you'll be able to stay each time, but even 45 minutes is a good amount of time.

As you go more often, you might start to make some friends there, as well as DD, which will be good for you both.

I bet you're feeling great! I know I've got a on my face for you!

[Justonedayatatime11]

CatLady you're amazing

[AcrossthePond55]

And that, right there, it proof (if anyone needed it) that you and DD are so much better off without that shithead in your lives. You and DD are gaining confidence and independence in leaps and bounds!

[Haberpop]

You are one amazing human, your daughter will go a long way in life with you by her side.

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

So proud of myself and DD

Went to a play centre place not far from home. Borrowed my mums car.

Really enjoyed it and managed to let DD play without hovering too much. If I felt myself being anxious for not being able to see her I'd go check on her but I hung back and let her work out how to get around the equipment herself, and only helped if she asked for it. She made a couple of friends and didn't need my help anymore.

Only managed to stay 45 minutes before my anxiety told my brain I'd had enough, but I did it so that's when we left as I didn't want to push myself to much so that I couldn't leave or deal with DDs behaviour if she threw a tantrum, but it's something.

Treated us both to an ice cream before we left.

And DDs asking when she can go play again

[AcrossthePond55]

I get what your solicitor is saying. I'd follow that advice.

I don't know your SW, but I can see where one might be a bit 'over involved' in a case where it's so obvious the client is working so hard at being a good parent and is being treated so badly by their ex.

The move sounds exciting. If you can, be sure you stroll round the street at a few different times of day to eye up the neighbours and listen for excess noise and rowdy behaviour before you accept.

[Queenofthestress]

I would take the house if it's better for you and I would also let the fucker take you to court!

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Sorry for the dealy and apologises MrsC I know you tried to call me Friday. It's been hectic weekend and Friday as DD decided to kick off going into Nursery for the first time ever. I then had to have a meeting with the SENCO about her moving rooms.

I have managed to speak to a solicitor today and she says I should get ExH to take me to court and not take him. She says It'll look worse for him after he's returned her late, refuses to stick to her routine etc as it'll make him look controlling and I can then play the victim without it looking bad on me.

I'm still undecided whether I'm going to do it or not though. The solicitor says I probably have time to think about it.

Social Worker has found me somewhere else to live though again, and this time I will probably take it as it's only a few streets from where I am now and is actually slightly closer to DDs Nursery and her potential school. SW has got all giddy again telling me how much I'll love it and how she's so happy that me and DD might finally get a fresh start . I do genuinely think she is trying her best for DD and I, and is overstepping slightly out of genuine care not because she's trying to interfere.

So lots to think about. Some exciting. Some not so.

[Jonbb]

I wonder whether sw is concerned there will need to be a fact finding hearing re the dv? This can be very traumatic involving cross examination by his legal rep. You might get useful advice posting on legal. There are a couple of family lawyers regularly posting.

[Jux]

Go to Court, it really would be better to get everything set in stone with recourse to properly set out consequences. Try not to be afraid of it, everything the SW has said about supervised contact, and the dv, the late return, the threats from his family etc etc etc, all that will go in your favour.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

The SW shouldn't be trying to stage-manage the whole situation like that

THAT. That right there

[Mxyzptlk]

The SW shouldn't be trying to stage-manage the whole situation like that.
Ask her to put her advice in writing so you can be clear about what she means.

I have no experience of this, but it seems to me that if you don't go to court you'll always be afraid of what ex and his relatives might do, and whether he might try to take your child away at any time.
Whereas, if you do go to court, you are in control of getting a process underway that will decide on what the arrangements are to be, going forward.

[purplemichelmasdaisies]

It sounds fishy mainly going on the last paragraph alone. It's odd to suggest that a person has no concept that being aggressive/violent has no impact on others and isn't wrong. It doesn't make any sense at all.

[Motoko]

Well, I agree the SW shouldn't be advising OP not to go to court (although I do agree wit her), but I think she's got OP's interests at heart. I don't think OP is strong enough yet, she's still regularly saying that maybe she should give them what they want, and worrying that ex and his family will get custody, despite the SW and us reassuring her that he/they won't, and that's just with FB posts and texts. I worry that if she's in the same room as her ex in court, she'll crumble.
Also, it sounds like SW doesn't think he will take it to court, so OP could leave it until she's feeling stronger. SW should definitely not have mentioned mediation though.

(Sorry OP for talking about you as if you're not here! I'm just trying to explain why I think your SW said what she did about going to court. Although I don't think you're strong enough yet, you will get there, and will then be in a better place to go to court.)

[Queenofthestress]

@Motoko even with a lack of understanding (ex-dp has this, aspergers with a few other issues that came to light in the meantime) they would still advise to seek legal advice and go to court, well, mine did