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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

994 replies

CatLadyToddlerMother · 08/03/2018 09:15

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

OP posts:
Forevertired19 · 14/03/2018 20:23

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. You're not a shit mom. Please don't ever think that. A shit mom would stay and let it happen In front of her children. You are protecting both your safety. You have every right to feel how you do. It isnt fair and the justice system is shit. Can you phone 111 and ask police to escorts you to the flat when he isn't there and grab everything you need?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/03/2018 20:47

GeekyWombat He left his keys but I've had the locks changed anyway

Forevertired I'm not home and have managed to get my STBExH evicted.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 14/03/2018 20:53

*Now home that should say!

OP posts:
MovingAgainOhWhy · 14/03/2018 21:04

Lovely see that you are safe with your little girl now Flowers

sparklepops123 · 15/03/2018 06:37

Great news,well done and stay strong Thanks

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 10:54

Arghh!

Housing Association are saying my solicitor should of also applied for a transfer order to get the tenancy in my name, apparently an occupation order alone doesn't force his name off the tenancy and they cannot speak to him to get him to sign the flat to me Angry and also they could charge me with criminal damage as I've had the locks illegally changed as his name is still on the tenancy Sad surely this isn't right?

Just as I overcome one hurdle I come across another.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 15/03/2018 11:05

Where were your HA when you needed this advice?

Have you complained to them of the poor behaviour of your housing officer? The one decided not to get involved. Your HA should have a policy on criminal behaviour including DV.

They should have been able to provide you with this information.

Had they handled things differently you might not be in this position.

TatianaLarina · 15/03/2018 11:06

I would go back to your solicitor to see if it can be done retrospectively.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 11:11

It wasn't the housing officer who said this, it's the lady on the helpline phone. The housing officer won't even speak to me anymore, I always get told "she's not at her desk, shall I get her to call you?" and then she never does and when I say she's not called me back yet they say she's very busy and I need to be patient, yeah ok.

So back on the phone to the Solicitor again and just got to hope he doesn't work out that he could still get the flat and get me out.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 15/03/2018 11:37

Well then your housing officer is being negligent.

Can you find the name of the housing association chief and raise a complaint?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 12:13

I've got the email address for the local MP, I think I'm going to email him and ask that all housing officers/associations are made aware that in cases of criminal activity within their properties they have the power of eviction.

OP posts:
Jux · 15/03/2018 12:19

That's fine, but you could just ask your MP to intervene over the behaviour of your Housing Officer on your behalf.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 12:23

Oh I plan to Jux I've named the officer in my email.

OP posts:
Graphista · 15/03/2018 12:23

Phone your mp's office and speak to someone directly. I've had some success with issues with housing this way (and a Tory MP no less - but his staff were fantastic).

Call shelter too, not only can they advise they can advocate on your behalf.

Did you contact ncdv?

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 12:43

Yes Graphista NCDV helped me get the occupation order.

I'm going to write the email, but not send it yet. I'm not strong enough to make a phonecall and relieve the incident yet again.

OP posts:
Graphista · 15/03/2018 12:50

Can anyone call on your behalf?

XJerseyGirlX · 15/03/2018 12:59

Your a fantastic mother, first sign of abuse and you sure showed him. Well done OP., There was a woman on here yesterday whose husband admitted to screaming at their 16 month old and terrifying him and she is still with him! That's a bad mother, you are amazing.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 13:17

Graphista My MP is also Tory, but he is highly regarded locally and may people say he gets results where needed.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 15/03/2018 13:47

You could also try your local councillor.

Graphista · 15/03/2018 13:52

Excellent! Get that email sent ASAP

BrendasUmbrella · 15/03/2018 15:25

I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would...)

Is that because he's a genuinely good father who would never harm or frighten his daughter, or are you saying that because it's what all mothers are supposed to say or they'll be thought badly of?

Think about your daughters' rights and her welfare. Being in contact with her father is all about her and what is good for her, it's not about him. If you think he could be a danger to her, you owe it to her to try to block access. Never mind the kneejerk "you can't stop him seeing his child" stuff. Sometimes you absolutely should.

Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 15:43

Brenda He's not a good father but he's not brilliant either. There were concerns about him before this incident with him and our Social Worker was trying to get DD and me rehoused away from him because he doesn't avoid unnecessary risks or harm, so will leave knives and other stuff out (I posted about this on relationships if you want to search my username). But I do think he loves her, so I do feel he should have supervised contact. Social Worker has told me to tell him to take me to court as a judge would probably order for him to see her in a contact centre to start with.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLadyToddlerMother · 15/03/2018 15:43

*not bad but not brilliant

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 15/03/2018 16:10

That's crap treatment from your housing association. I hope your solicitor sorts it out quickly for you.
At least you have some normality being back in your home with your cat.

elisenbrunnen · 15/03/2018 16:47

I'm sure they can't intimidate you with 'criminal damage' - you might have changed the locks, but you 'might' need to offer him a key (FGS don't let him know this!) and no harm done.

And if they really think it's criminal damage - let them take it further. By the time they get round to doing anything (if ever) things will have moved on, regarding his tenancy.

Ignore.

And def take it up with the MP. Straight to the top.