I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

[TatianaLarina]

Yes you can ask the police to accompany you to prevent a breach of the peace.

[titchy]

No you haven't lost. You've just saved your dd's life. That makes you a hero. Courage.

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

TatinaLarina Thank you just called them and there’s another way I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, and they can help. Thank you so much

[Leeds2]

Would second asking the police to accompany you whilst you go to pick up your/your DD's things. By way of advice, take as many bags/suitcases as you can manage by yourself, get a friend to go with you to help carry things if possible, and think carefully about what you want before you go. You probably won't get a second chance, so make the most of it.
And, as others have said, you are a FAB mum.
Good Luck.

[MaureenNervosa]

Please don't call yourself a crap Mum, you are doing your best to protect your DD and yourself, and to keep life as normal as possible for her.

Agree that the police have dropped the ball.

[MsGameandWatching]

I feel very sure that if someone commits a serious crime in a HA property, they can be forcibly removed from the tenancy. Could you look into this? It might take a while but certainly if he gets a conviction that could be grounds for him to be removed.

[MsGameandWatching]

Just seem he was given a caution but he did admit to it. Please do look into your HA policy on crimes committed in the property.

[LagunaBubbles]

Youre not a crap Mum, its so sad you feel like that when you are being the best Mum you can by not staying with an abusive partner. Good luck. It wont feel like it today or tomorrow but one day it will be so much better for you.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

The cunt got a caution for hitting his wife and the mother of his child, so much for taking abuse against women seriously.
We're still no further forward.
They're even saying themselves it's not safe for you to go back there, because of that abusive idiot, yet. Hes still allowed to waltz around. Therefore the farceness of the law is laughing at its self.
I echo what others have said. An officer needs to go back with you.

[LifeBeginsAtGin]

Can you go around with your mum and brother and anyone else you can think of?

He will need to leave the house at some point - does he go anywhere regularly which would give you the chance to go in?

[Jux]

The police advise you not to go back because it is dangerous for you if he's there. You can call 101 and tell them about it, and that you have nothing, no toys or clothes etc and need paperwork. They may well help you by escorting you there and guarding you while you collect things. Don't forget thingslike birth/marriage certificates, passport etc. Also things which are precious to you.

[Idontbelieveinthemoon]

He hasn't won. He hasn't won a thing. You have gone from his life. You have made the incredible decision to leave. You have walked away from that piece of shit and left him to live the disgusting life he's going to remain in forever. For the rest of his life he will be a criminal who attacks women. For the rest of his life he will be a cunt.

As awful as things are now for you, this isn't it. This isn't forever. You and your DD are going to grow and move forward and live incredible lives together. He's won nothing.

Get the police to accompany you to the house, take everything you could possibly need. The police might not offer this but they'll do it if you push. Write a list over the next few days of what you need to take and where it's located in the house (because when you do go back the potential for being upset and forgetting vital stuff is high because of the sheer trauma you've just experienced). Work your way methodically through the list for you and for your DD, take it all and know that you are an incredible Mum for removing your DD from that man.

The fact that he was simply cautioned is revolting. But don't let that undermine how incredibly well you're handling this. Keep going.x

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

How do you know he's suspended from work?

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Housing Association don’t have a policy on criminal offences and committing a crime in properties. They decide it on a case by case basis, when I spoke to my housing officer she didn’t want to get involved understandably so I have to go down the legal route.

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

His mum also works there and she text me to ask if me and DD where ok and told me he’d been suspended.

[elisenbrunnen]

OP - I was on your other thread, and advised you to let this tenancy go and get rehomed as a priority. IMHO I'd not want to live somewhere that held so many awful memories. And I'd want somewhere that is away from him, and safe.

Hopefully he will struggle to get unsupervised contact, with a DV caution. Is there any way you can get this upgraded? Press charges? He shouldn't be seeing your child unsupervised.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Ah OK. Please be careful about what you say to his mother. She's still his mother after all.

You're doing really well and I can only echo what others are saying here that the police WILL accompany you if you push them. Have you got a womans aid support worker?

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Elise my plan is to move once I’ve got the tenancy as I can then chose to move within the town I’m in rather than being a priority and being housed anywhere, given DDs developmental problems I feel this is the best way forwards for her.

[Loonoon]

It must feel,like you have lost now, but in a years time when you and your DD are safe and secure in your new life I am sure you will begin to see the freedom is winning. Well done for having the courage and foresight to get out of that relationship.

Good luck on getting things sorted out.

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Got to wait for Women’s Aid to assign me a support worker which as I’m not in immediate danger could take 3 weeks.

I’ve told his mum we’re fine and nothing else.

[recoveringmummy]

When this exact thing happened to me I was put in touch with SPLITZ by the police. It was my husbands first offence to but he was arrested and charged so I don't understand the caution? Can you ask he is formally charged with assault? If SPLITZ are involved that will be enough for you to get legal aid, they just have to write you a letter stating they have provided you with help. I promise you have done the right thing by leaving him and it will all get sorted out xx

[Birdsgottafly]

OP, your Housing Officer cannot decide that she doesn't want to get involved.

All Housing Associations must have a policy on Criminal/Antisocial behaviour and that must now include DV.

Does your local MP hold a surgery that you can get to? They can usually help with the HA.

The Police must accompany you to get back your possessions and I'd be making a complaint about the way they have handled it up to now.

They still aren't following the law, or guidelines set down by their Commission and SS.

[Justanothernameonthepage]

Glad things are moving. You saved you and your daughters life by leaving - that makes you heroic.
This is a crappy, sucky bit, but years from now your life will be so much better and your daughter has a chance to be happy.
I would also find out your MP's surgery dates and go to see them. Take copies of crime number details to hand over and find out what they can do to help.
Good luck and well done

[MrsOprah]

Ask the police to review it. Go higher to super intendant/CPS. A caution isnt enough.

He has not won.

Have you tried tax records online.
Gov.uk has really improved with info you can access on the online portal.

Job centre should be able to print copies?

[bibliomania]

One step at a time. You need to get your paperwork and other stuff from the flat. The police absolutely should provide an escort - they did it for me. Ask them again for someone to do this. If they say an outright no, make it clear (politely) that you will be making a complaint about this.