I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

You poor darling. You sound in shock, and your body is reacting to what he has done.

ANY COWARD can do that to a woman. He HAS NOT WON.

He has shown himself for what he is. Don't let him torture your mind to.

I can't believe the police advised you to leave, OP. My local force have a policy of arresting the perpetrator, then they bail them with a condition that they must not go near the family home. That gives the victim time to get the ball rolling with the legal stuff. Your plods sound bloody useless.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you are absolutely doing the right thing, for you and for your DD.

I agree that the police need to escort you to the property to sort this out - at the very least to collect your belongings. In the long run would it be safer for you to move to a new address so that your ex doesn't know where you live? As awful as it would be to leave your home you might be safer somewhere that he doesn't know about, otherwise you will be jumping out of your skin every time the doorbell rings. It's not right at all, but it could be part of a fresh start and a new life for you? He sounds like an epic level arsehole, I'm sorry you are going through this.

I don’t get my bank statements anymore. The bank can print them but I have to go into branch request them and then they’re printed for next working day as my actual branch only has 2 members of staff so the request is carried out by the next nearest branch hence the next working day.

I also need my tenancy agreement which is going to take the Housing Association more than 24 hours to find as I moved in over 2 years ago, they’re happy to email it to me to send over but I have to give them time to find it.

Please take previous posters advice to ask police to accompany you or to send someone for the things you need.

OP, why have you not phoned the police to ask them to accompany you?

If you don't get paper bank statements, can't you go online and print them out?

Spoken to the police. They can provide an escort sometime next week but can’t give me a definitive time or day yet, and I may only get half hour or sos notice, but it’s sorred at least.

Asked about why he only got a caution and not anything else, apparently because I admitted we were arguing the assault was seen as being provoked so doesn’t actually class as domestic violence. I asked what chased as DV then and she said “unprovoked or prolonged attack” or a household where they’ve been called out to more than 3 times for similar offences . We have had police out before for violence but never to me always to property - internal doors, furniture that sort of thing.

Do you have any ID with you?
If you do you can get a proof of benefit letter from the jobcentre In person on Monday.
If not explain you’re felling domestic violence and ask them to take you through security questions verbally instead.

Sorry fleeing obviously not felling. 🤦🏻‍♀️

HA absolutley have the power to remoe him in a DA case and you dont have to use a solicitor - if you housing officer isn't being cooperative use the complaints route - the FORMAL complants route. the HA are not acting ppropriately - take it from me, i know i really do. you MUST ring shelter legal advice line anf get SHLTER tosend a letter to you HA.

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/your_situation/domestic_abuse

it might lo depend on if you have an assured shorthold tenancy - if not should be ok

I've no idea what police force you're in but that policy certainty wouldn't hold true where I am. All dv cases in our force have to go through cps for a decision. I suspect your forces policy is why...

So it's ok to try to kill someone if you're provoked? Jesus wept! I would suggest putting in a complaint.
Take your brother and any other able bodied chap and go and fetch your stuff.

Don't have any advice OP. I'm angry that you've been put in to this situation by a selfish so and so.

I can't conprehend why this man is allowed to do this to you when you have a child. Seriously, why are men allowed to get away with this? Why does society allow this?

Not sure what type of tenancy we have. They came out when we’d lived there a year and said they’d changed it to a 5 year contest thing.

Hi there - a few things for you to consider to hopefully help you feel a bit more in control.

1. Call Civil Legal Advice on 0345 345 4345 they can advise you as to whether you are eligible for legal aid or you can check if you qualify on their website (might be a bit quicker for you) 2)You can make a homelessness application (seperate from waiting list application) which should be accepted as even though you have a tenancy - it is not reasonable for you to live there. (IE NOT intentionally homeless) You could then be placed in emergency accommodation (could be a b&b etc) whilst the council make further investigations and if they have a full duty to house you then you you would be offered temporary accommodation (which could be anything from months to years) and could be out of area but then they can permanently house you in a council, housing association or even private sector. You would be high priority on the allocation list though. This can be a pretty daunting prospect I know- just trying to give you a few more options) but the council could still accept a homeless application and consider you "homeless at home" that is - you stay at your mum's instead of emergency accommodation (better for you I would think) and if you were offered housing that is not suitable you can challenge this. Although it is always better to accept it and then challenge. You can get help to do this through Shelter. They can make a referral to Civil Legal Advice for you and help to get you a caseworker if possible. I know you're waiting for Womens' Aid but its another option for you. If you would much prefer to move back then you would need an occupation order as already mentioned. Please look at the Shelter links that others have posted and maybe give them a ring- they are open until 5 pm today. Hang in there!

I’m trying to get an occupancy order Nightfall1 but struggling to prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, will give then Civil Legal Advice line a call when I get the chance.

Fed up of living with my mum. She’s been in bed all day, my brothers out and I’m stuck in one room as mums in a flat and DBro doesn’t want DD in his room. So I’m stuck in the living room. I went out earlier with DD to the park but I got anxious so didn’t stay out long. I’m such a crappy mother.

I may not need it. His mum persuaded him to move out, so I’ve just got to wait until he’s gone then move in myself.

Social Worker was pushing for contact centre contact but her boss wasn’t keen apparently so I’m guessing that won’t happen now either. I might have to let him have DD two days a week and every other weekend despite him hurting me 😭

It does sound really difficult and I wasn't trying to say do this and you'll be ok or sound trite. I was just trying to give you a few more options so that you might feel a little bit more in control. It sounds as though you are in a really crap situation and having been there myself I know it definitely isn't easy. It doesn't sound like you're a crappy mother at all and its ok to allow yourself to feel rubbish for a bit while you process everything emotionally as well as get all the practical stuff sorted which can be completely overwhelming. Your life has been uprooted so give yourself a little break and your dd a cuddle. And I am sorry that it's so hard for you at the moment.
I know you are struggling to prove your eligibility for legal aid because you need your paperwork but a chat with them in general should be able to give you an idea and hopefully move forward a little bit.

I don't have much advice to offer but wanted to tell you that you have done a good and brave thing by removing yourself and your daughter from a violent situation. Hold on, and keep pushing with police; they should help you with this.

I think I've seen your other posts and wanted to second what everyone else has said. Your not a crap mum, your a great mum in a crap situation.

As for him getting access, you said SS were unhappy with his parenting even before the assault. (Sorry if I've got the wrong person) They were trying to rehouse you for DD's safety and planned to only allow him supervised contact. There going to be even more wary now he's proved himself to be violent and dangerous.

Can you ask anyone to go round and collect your things for you? Maybe brother and some of his biggest mates?

I would also seriously consider giving up the tenancy, I know its not far or right but it's probably the fastest way to get DD settled in a home of your own.

Is the any way to check what housing association have available? They may technically be able to place you anywhere but there not going to send you to the other side of the country just for fun. If Thiers property available near by then you would be a high priority to be offered it.

Your not a crap mum, you have done all the right things by getting you and your dd away from him. Your doing really well. Fingers crossed he will be out of the house soon so you and your dd can go back. If you are worried about him turning up and being violent you can ask the police to fit a alarm that goes direct to them if he tries anything? Make sure you change the locks as soon as you get back in to the house.

Not heard anything yet and I so want to go home.

Just got into an argument with my mum because she went to a friends last night and it was just me, DBro and DD. I’ve been doing all my washing up, feeding myself and DD, and doing all my washing. Don’t put the washing machine on after DDs in bed so had to leave the stuff I’d worn yesterday by the machine. I did all my DBros washing up and even cleaned the oven and bathroom but mums just told me I do nothing and how the hell do i expect cope with a toddler on my own? Hoping she’s just stressed with me being here but god that stung a bit.

Their are four of you stuck in a small flat, it's understandable everyone's going to be stressed. That shouldn't give your mum license to take it out on you, but if it's a one off and she's otherwise supportive I might try to let it slide.

Hopefully before long you will have your own place back and can prove how well you manage. From the sounds of your other threads you were doing everything anyway so if anything your life will be easier now your not tidying up after him.