I’ve lost haven’t I? He’s got what he wanted

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

On Sunday afternoon I was attacked by my husband and he threatened to kill me.

On the advise of the police I left my home with my DD who played two foot from us when this happened.

And I haven’t been back. Because he has. And it doesn’t feel fair. The tenancy is in joint names so he can’t be evicted, and he has the legal right to live there. He won’t sign the form to have his name taken off the tenancy so I can move in.

I’m trying to get an occupancy order but a solicitor won’t act until I can prove I’m entitled to Legal Aid, which I can’t as all my benefits letters are at my flat which I’ve been advised not to go back to by the Housing Association and the Police - I don’t work as DD has a few extra needs so claims DLA and CTC which is my entitlement to LA. I’m waiting for Women’s Aid to assign me a Support Worker so I can prove it another way but they’ve told me as I’m not in immediate danger it could take up to 3 weeks. The housing association have no legal obligation to house DD and I while my name is on that tenancy, and if I sign my name off the tenancy they can place me anywhere in the county which takes me away from my mum and brother (I’m living there atm) who are my biggest support at the moment.

I feel like I’ve lost. He gets to break the law, and still wins. I can’t go out on my own because I’m so scared, I tried to get to DDs Nursery alone yesterday morning and got a quarter of the way and had to call them saying I couldn’t get any further. They were lovely and bought the Nursery car and a car seat and took us both to the Nursery but walking back alone I was shaking and it took ages to get home. My mum had to pick DD up from Nursery.

It’s so unfair. I can’t live like this for another month. My DDs got no toys or clothes, and I feel guilty using my mums bread and milk and food when she’s on a low income herself. I just want to go home.

He’s won hasn’t he? I’m up shit creek without a paddle, still liable for a flat I don’t live in and have no money or clothes.

I feel like such a crap mum, I’ve let my DD down, has I ignored the police and stayed home he wouldn’t have been allowed back and then he’d have had to have tried to get me out which with me having DD would have been hard for him to do.

And I’m so worried he’s going to petition the courts for access to our DD, I don’t like her being out of my sight atm but I know he’s her dad and I can’t stop him seeing her (I never would but I just want time to get my head together and have a home)

[YearOfYouRemember]

I wish you'd stop saying maybe I should just give them what they want. You are strong. You're a mum so it's a given. Don't give in to bullies. It's a message everyone should live by. You're not pathetic or weak. Stop saying things that make you sound it. You've got this and you'll win in the end.

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

I have a mobile number that I know can send and receive texts as she texts me on it sometimes, no email address though.

[Motoko]

OK, ask her by text then. It would be better to have her answer in writing, so text counts. If she says it over the phone, she can deny saying it, or say you misunderstood, so if it's in writing, you've got your proof of what she actually said.

[Jux]

Yes, text her the question very clearly. Are you saying that while you agree with my conditions (formulated as a result of your instructions) you do not think I should go to Court but that you will mediate an agreement between ex and I?

That's probably not the best way it could be put, but I'm sure that with help from here a better and clearer formulation can be come up with. I think someth8ng she could just answer Y or N to, so she can just send you a short text in reply, or if she phones you can take notes of what she says. Keep asking very clear closed questions (ones which only require Y or N answers.)

[Queenofthestress]

Just text her saying -
Are you advising that in lieu of court you should mediate between myself and ex-dp after advising no contact between him and DD.

[prettybird]

I would add in that "I am confused as I understood that mediation was not advised in cases of DV"

[TheFormidableMrsC]

@RandomMess Waves

@CatLadyToddlerMother I would definitely get her to put that in writing, text will do if that is the only option. I remain suspicious about this. She is a SW, they don't do mediation. It isn't appropriate under the circumstances and in my view you need the protection of the court and an order that reflects that. There will be absolutely nothing good to come of a social worker "mediating" and coming up with an "agreement" that has no basis in law and nowhere for you to go when he inevitably breaks it. It really isn't worth the risk.

I am here when/if you want to chat

[Queenofthestress]

That's what I was thinking MrsC, my ex-dp is no where near as bad and social services advise was keep far away as possible from him and if needs be go to court, nothing about mediation as it's not in their jurisdiction

[TheFormidableMrsC]

@Queenofthestress OF COURSE they would advise you to go to court. I've been there. This is very off, I am intrigued to know why!

[Queenofthestress]

So am I! I've just done the whole shebang with social services for the forth time with ex-dp as he asked for unsupervised contact (he's not on the bc and has no interest in it) and I asked the sw about this as a hypothetical situation and she said no way would any line manager worth their salt approve of a sw being a mediator when dv is involved

[blackbirdbluebottle]

Aww that’s awful OP I hope everything is starting to get sorted now

[prettybird]

If there is a generic email address for the social work department, you could always email it for generic advice

If you don't want to damage your relationship with your SW (and apart from this extremely dodgy advice, she seems to have been good), you can praise how supportive she has been but going forward you want advice as to how to regularise contact, given the (documented) DV involved and the fact that she has advised no unsupervised contact. You could say you explicitly don't want mediation as that is not advised in cases of DV and that you hope assume that the SW department will be supportive of this - and whether there is any other advice they can offer.

That way you haven't explicitly landed her in it - but you have it documented that you don't want mediation (and why) and that you are trying to move forward, with the best interests of your dd at heart.

[CatLadyToddlerMother]

Sorry for the delay in replying. I text the Social Worker just saying "I am confused, did you mean that you don't advise I take this to court?"

And she rung me. She said I'd misunderstood. She can't stop me going to court, but she is worried about the stress for me when I am already very busy with a disabled DD and her appointments. She is also worried I am still very traumatized and facing him might just send my anxiety over the edge. She is suggesting she speak to ExH and make it clear that he needs to follow the Parenting Plan letter I sent to him a few months ago and if he ignores it she will get her Line Manager (this is the superior I have mentioned on this thread) to agree that NC is best for DD and he needs to take me to court not the other way around. She is also worried that if we go to court and he's given no contact his mental state means that he might turn on me and do something to me or if he doesn't Ex-FIL will and she doesn't want to put us in a position where DD needs FC because I am injured in hospital (she added she doesn't think my mum could manage DDs SN, her FT job and care for my brother who has BPD with Bipolar 1 tendencies so it would be FC if it came to it).

However if I take it to court she cannot refuse to give evidence and her statement would be factual about how far DD has progressed since the split and how I've always co-operated. But I need to be aware that due to other concerns expressed about ExHs and his understanding of the situation and what he's done (he told the SW and my mum when he bumped into her that it was excessive of me to call the police on him when he attacked me, he's denied hurting DD, he won't even acknowledge that he returned her to me late, he still claims he never agreed to return her at 5pm) that it may never go to court as his understanding is just not there.

[SlowDown76mph]

She rang you. She didn't put any of this in writing. Hmmm. Firstly, I'd text her back, copy your words from the above post and ask her if you were now understanding her correctly.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

This smells of shite.
Why would the SW ado this? What’s she up to?

I just don’t buy the concern over your wellbeing being tripped by a court case. Yes of course it won’t be a walk in the park but I feel she’s overstepping some Mark here....

[AcrossthePond55]

I agree that she's overstepped her mark. She's doing nothing but "if this, what about that" regarding things that may not happen. If you feel strong enough to go to court, so be it! And the idea that it's 'better' for him to take you to court is, frankly, ridiculous.

And her statement that his 'lack of understanding' of his own behaviour may prevent it from going to court is preposterous. There's no such thing as 'mentally incompetent to stand trial' in family court. If a judge finds that he truly doesn't understand how his actions have impacted you and DD, the judge himself will say there should be no access!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

No no no no no. This is all wrong. She's hiding something. Or something is up. "It won't even get to court". That is utter nonsense. It will get to court if you put an application in! It doesn't matter if his understanding isn't there. That is for Cafcass to decide and their recommendations will be based on that. My Cafcass officer made her recommendations based on my ex-h's behaviour. He has court ordered courses to do...so on and so forth. Cafcass will contact the SW. This is utterly bizarre, it really is.

FWIW, court IS stressful, mainly because you're in a situation that you never dreamt you'd find yourself. However, it was absolutely the best thing I did. They are there to help you and keep your child AND you safe. It will be what is in those best interests. It's quite a relaxed setting, it's not like being on trial. The key is being prepared, organised and knowing what you want to say.

I am really concerned about this SW...

[allyouneedis]

I have no practical advise but just wanted to say you won.

You left him, took your daughter and will move on with your life. It will be hard but so worth it for you and your child.

I was the child who grew up with my “father” beating my mum up on a daily basis and It never leaves you.

You won cause he’s alone and you will go in to have a fab life ❤️ X

[Motoko]

I wonder if, when she said about his lack of understanding means it wouldn't go to court, she meant that HE wouldn't take you to court, not that the court would deem him incapable of understanding court proceedings.

[Queenofthestress]

@Motoko even with a lack of understanding (ex-dp has this, aspergers with a few other issues that came to light in the meantime) they would still advise to seek legal advice and go to court, well, mine did

[Motoko]

Well, I agree the SW shouldn't be advising OP not to go to court (although I do agree wit her), but I think she's got OP's interests at heart. I don't think OP is strong enough yet, she's still regularly saying that maybe she should give them what they want, and worrying that ex and his family will get custody, despite the SW and us reassuring her that he/they won't, and that's just with FB posts and texts. I worry that if she's in the same room as her ex in court, she'll crumble.
Also, it sounds like SW doesn't think he will take it to court, so OP could leave it until she's feeling stronger. SW should definitely not have mentioned mediation though.

(Sorry OP for talking about you as if you're not here! I'm just trying to explain why I think your SW said what she did about going to court. Although I don't think you're strong enough yet, you will get there, and will then be in a better place to go to court.)

[purplemichelmasdaisies]

It sounds fishy mainly going on the last paragraph alone. It's odd to suggest that a person has no concept that being aggressive/violent has no impact on others and isn't wrong. It doesn't make any sense at all.

[Mxyzptlk]

The SW shouldn't be trying to stage-manage the whole situation like that.
Ask her to put her advice in writing so you can be clear about what she means.

I have no experience of this, but it seems to me that if you don't go to court you'll always be afraid of what ex and his relatives might do, and whether he might try to take your child away at any time.
Whereas, if you do go to court, you are in control of getting a process underway that will decide on what the arrangements are to be, going forward.

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

The SW shouldn't be trying to stage-manage the whole situation like that

THAT. That right there

[Jux]

Go to Court, it really would be better to get everything set in stone with recourse to properly set out consequences. Try not to be afraid of it, everything the SW has said about supervised contact, and the dv, the late return, the threats from his family etc etc etc, all that will go in your favour.