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To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

(264 Posts)
Orangeflow Wed 08-Nov-17 21:07:02

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

catgirl1976 Wed 08-Nov-17 21:10:28

That's difficult.

I am not sure I could support my DS in turning his back on his own child. I would be struggling to understand how he could do that.

Is there more to this?

ZooeyAndFranny Wed 08-Nov-17 21:10:28

Don’t you think you should encourage your son to step us and do the right thing for his child? Which at a minimum means a financial contribution.

CAAKE Wed 08-Nov-17 21:10:43

What a difficult situation. Can you get in touch with the mother of the baby to see how she feels about having contact with you? She may be grateful of your support despite what your son says/does, or, she may feel like him about the situation. You won’t know until you reach out.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 08-Nov-17 21:11:34

Your son is an adult and is capable of not fathering children if he can be bothered. I’d approach it from the perspective of the child he’s carelessly created. They may wish to have some contact with their paternal family. I’d make a respectful approach to the mother and see what she says.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Wed 08-Nov-17 21:12:00

Is he paying child maintenance?

Dustbunny1900 Wed 08-Nov-17 21:12:19

I’d be furious and disappointed in my son. No, I wouldn’t stand by him in this

Ttbb Wed 08-Nov-17 21:12:30

I would sooner have nothing to do with one of my own sons if they were to behave that way than my innocent grandchild.

Bambamber Wed 08-Nov-17 21:13:38

I would personally get in contact, the mum may well appreciate the help and support. I would also be giving your son a nudge to get himself sorted out and help him realise that accident or not, the child is his flesh and blood and doesn't deserve to be cast aside.

OlennasWimple Wed 08-Nov-17 21:13:45

No, I think that YABU to not even have minimal contact (birthday and Christmas cards) with your grandchild. Whatever has gone on between its parents, it is not the fault of the baby.

You shoudl be encouraging him to step up and play his part, financially if nothing else. And I don't understand how you can not want to be a part of this baby's life at all.

Osolea Wed 08-Nov-17 21:15:23

I think your first loyalty is to your son and you should abide by his wishes, but if he's depressed and struggling, then he's probably not thinking straight. It's worth trying to get him to at least go along with you making contact, even though he doesn't want any.

Girliefriendlikesflowers Wed 08-Nov-17 21:15:42

I think your son has no right to dictate to you what relationship you can have with your Grandchild.

I would be ashamed of him tbh, whatever the circumstances this is his child - he should want to be involved and to deny his child involvement of the extended family is awful.

expatinscotland Wed 08-Nov-17 21:15:48

Your son is 27 and already has 3 kids by 2 different mums and you're willing to not recognise your own grandchild because he CBA'd to use a condom or pay for his kid? I'd rip my son a new head if he behaved this way towards his child. What a loser! I'd feel like a total failure if my son turned out like this.

loveisevol Wed 08-Nov-17 21:16:04

Please please make the effort to see your grandchild.
He is 27, why on earth is he not stepping up and taking care of his child. And more to the point why aren’t you insisting he needs to take responsibility?
This gives me the fury. I’ve lived this. I have so much anger for my child’s grandmother who has nothing to do with her grandchild.
Please do the right thing by this innocent baby.

MontyPants Wed 08-Nov-17 21:16:16

Your son is BU.
I hope he's paying for child maintenance.
That poor baby.

CherriesInTheSnow Wed 08-Nov-17 21:17:27

No I would be setting the example to my son that I would expect him to follow that he has carelessly created a human life and that he is obligated to support this child in some way.

To dismiss the child's existent because it is inconvenient/unwanted is fucking shameful. Poor baby angry

Floralnomad Wed 08-Nov-17 21:18:33

I’d seriously wonder where I’d gone wrong bringing him up , and then I would have held out a very large olive branch to the woman involved and tried to have a relationship not only with the child but with her as well . Sod what he wants , he should have used protection if he didn’t want children or better still kept it in his pants .

Anasnake Wed 08-Nov-17 21:19:13

Poor baby.

mygorgeousmilo Wed 08-Nov-17 21:19:56

Your son is disgusting. Sorry, but he is. I don’t know how you can support his decision to have nothing to do with his child. I would be so ashamed, and would be close to disowning one of mine if they rejected their own baby. If he has some kind of mental health problem then by all means access help for him, but if it’s just a case of not being interested because he’s not with the mum or what have you - then YABVU. Does he do much for his other kids?

ChinUpChestOut Wed 08-Nov-17 21:20:01

Orangeflow I was that lady, once. My then boyfriend "didn't know if he wanted to be involved", but did at least tell his parents. His wonderful mother wrote to me to say that she very much hoped she could meet the baby and be in his/her life. I wrote back and told her that was fine with me, but her DS wasn't sure what he wanted to do. She wrote again to say that "she'd sort that out" (I think she told the ex that she was going to get to know her grandchild regardless) and has been the most wonderful, loving and generally marvellous Grandma I could have hoped for, and included DS in all family events. I later married DH who adopted DS, and it's not made the slightest difference to my relationship with her, Grandad and other members of the family.

As she put it - "worse things happen at sea".

Your DS is going to be involved, even it it's only child support. Tell your DS you're going to introduce yourself to DS's ex-girlfriend and then please ask to be part of its life. The little one isn't to blame, and at some point he/she will want to know his family. That's you and your DH, whether your DS likes it or not.

PerfumeIsAMessage Wed 08-Nov-17 21:20:32

I don't think you should contact her no.
Your flesh and blood has done enough damage.
What a reprehensible son you have.

SavageBeauty73 Wed 08-Nov-17 21:20:39

There's no way I support my son in this. Is he at least paying child maintenance?

Dippingmytoesin Wed 08-Nov-17 21:21:04

Sorry but your son needs to grow up.

How can he/any man just turn their back on an innocent child? Disgusting. If you want to see the child then do it it will be nice for the baby to have you.

MomToWedThorFriday Wed 08-Nov-17 21:22:10

I’d be utterly disgusted if any son of mine acted like this. I’d be standing by my grandchild in his stead until he grew some balls, frankly.

HolyShet Wed 08-Nov-17 21:22:17

How is this "sticking by him?"

Your grandchild and his mother may need you; and your son may regret his shoddy decision for the rest of his life.

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