To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

Taking responsibility and provide for parentsome of his children, while not providing for his other children as well as prevent his other children having a real action ship with their extended paternal family doesn’t make him a brilliant Dad. He’s a shit one and I’d be embarrassed that not only does he think him doing that is ok, but that he thinks so little of me that I would agree to also only be a grandmother to some of my grandchildren and pretend other doesn’t exist.

Having said that, maybe your son is respecting your way of being. I have absolutely no clue how you brought him up. Maybe you raised him to think he was entitled to do whatever the heck he wanted and hang the consequences.

You're in a difficult situation here ... but with the close living proximity of all the children.... I would try harder to make contact with the mother.

A friend of my mum's actually told her son to deny his child and have nothing to do with him.

My mum says karma has struck... as get DD is now having fertility issues sbd they are longing for grandchildren now.

You don't deserve a hard time over this...we can't control our children.

My brother dumped his heavily pregnant girlfriend the day they were due to move into a house together. They already had a d's. I was disgusted and stuck by the gf. Plus I wanted to see my niblings. The whole family ( my mum other siblings etc) took his lead and cut them out. It broke my heart. They tried forcing me to do the same and would regularly tell me I was disloyal.
. Over the years I've stayed very close to the kids and I count their mum as one of my closest friends. I was even bridesmaid when she married which caused a stir.
Eventually my brother has managed to lose everyone except one brother who forgives him anything. He did something my mum drew the line at and kicked him out. My sister grew up and saw the error of her ways. She asked my friend her forgiveness and to have contact with the kids to which she said yes. She didn't have to but she's a pragmatic sort. My mum then asked me to offer the olive branch and that was harder. For years my friend had seen the relationship she had with her other grandchildren and often asked me why my mum didn't care. She's missed out on birthdays Christmas etc all because of a drugged up, thuggish, misogynistic 35 year old arsehole stinking out her house with skunk. My friend decided to give my mum a chance. Now considering that they didn't know her from Adam they flew into her arms and started calling her Nana straight away. She'd not seen them in 8 years. When they left my mum burst into tears and said she felt so small and humble. She was expecting them to be distant and funny with her. For years I'd been telling her what great kids they were and to get in contact but she would never do it. My mum has never been able to admit to her mistakes. She even apologised to me for giving me shit for being "disloyal" and to my friend for abandoning her and her kids. Six months on they are in regular contact and stay at hers during weekends and school holidays etc. As a bonus the youngest child of my friend (born to her now ex dh) calls my mum Nana. We are all going to the panto this year and my mum's the most excited.

we can't control our children. Watch me.

Very, very rarely are babies the result of failed contraceptives. You can’t exactly check, so I suspect your son is pulling the wool over your eyes.

Anyway, he’s a fucking dick. How dare he create a child and abandon it?! Seek a relationship if you wish, but your son needs to step up. It beggars belief TBH.

I think it would be appropriate to write her a letter that you are finding it hard not to acknowledge your grandchild but are trying to respect your son. In the meantime until that changes I would be offering her a financial contribution each month if you can afford it for now or a small savings account for the child's future. I won't make a comment about your son - hopefully this changes.

He’s very good with the children he has by her. Has them 3 nights a week in between working and is a brilliant father to them.

With respect he is not be 'very good' with the children - he is doing the basics of

I would be devastated if my ds did this

And no I would not go along with his wishes if he chooses to be irresponsible that is his decision but not one I would support or go along with I would support the mother and would hope to have some sort of relationship with my grandchild and would always be open to that

I would make contact with the mum and see if she would allow contact with the child. I would also be telling my son precisely what I thought about his decision to abandon them. At the very least he should be paying maintenance. If she won't accept it he can pay it into an account for the future but he should be financially supporting his child, no question. Honestly it boggles my mind that he can support 3 other children but just ignore this one. That's just awful.

Bloody hell!

Did your son never listen in biology?

I would be inclined to tell your ds to man the fuck up. He’s already got 2 with someone else. He also doesn’t get to tell you, who you can and can’t speak to.

I hope he’s going to be paying CM.

Sorry your son’s such an embarrassment

I am that child’s mother (not literally). My ex decided that he didn’t want contact with his son as he “needed to concentrate on uni”. He parents backed him up. None of them have ever had contact with my DS, despite living a stone’s throw away. DS is now 10 and has the most amazing stepfather and family I could ask for, but he’s aware of the situation and has asked why he wasn’t “good enough” for his other family. As much as I try, I can’t make that feeling go away for him. As a grandmother, I can’t say I’d want that on my conscience.

You should be embarrassed to have a son like that. I wouldn't wish upon anyone to have such a disgusting human being of a son like yours.

That should be he supports 2 other children not 3, sorry.

I have tried getting my son to take responsibility but he’s just not interested

Well it's not a choice is it? You can't just opt out.

I think you should message her asking if she's ok, and hope the north went to plan and she and the baby are well. You should also ask if she needs anything for the baby.

Do not bring your son into the equation - if that fails ask if you can send her some money to treat herself or the baby - do not bypass the mothers feelimga

Gosh, he is manipulative and is emotionally blackmailing you. He wants you to stick by your big adult son and support him in doing the exact opposite to his own helpless baby. He can't really convincingly say he didn't want this child if he didn't use contraception and so willingly impregnated the mother. Was he forced to have sexual intercourse against his will? Maybe now is a good time to explain about the birds and the bees if he is unsure how this child he really didn't want to be made, was made.

I'm assuming the posters who say the ops son should "have a vasectomy" "keep it in his pants"
Would say the same to a woman who becomes pregnant but doesn't want to continue the pregnancy?
Personally if I chose to continue a pregnancy and the father didn't want to know then he could fuck off.

Is the phrase baby daddy?

The baby is born, so not a direct comparison.

Firecrotch, that is wonderful, I hope it does not come to that for the op and she steps up from the start. She has to do what is right.

I experienced this with my brother, I got in contact with the mother and really wanted to get to know the baby. My brother did not contact me for 8 years! And made it clear it was either him or the baby

I am now not in contact with baby or mother as I chose my brother who then decided to erase me from his life

Tread carefully op

I have tried getting my son to take responsibility but he’s just not interested

Well it's not a choice is it? You can't just opt out

Of course he can! According to OP he told her he didn't want a child and tried to persuade her to have an abortion. She (who quite rightly gets the final say so) decided to press ahead anyway.

Her right to do so
His right to have nothing to do with the baby.

It's not like she wasn't aware. She is just as culpable for the baby not having it's biological father in its life. She was told that would be the outcome but went with it anyway.

He's obliged to financially support the baby, that's all. He didn't want another child and was clear about it. It doesn't make him a "shit" or any of the other abusive terms thrown at him on here

If it were my son abandoning his responsibilities in this way I'd certainly have absolutely no intention of following his example. The mother of the baby might well think it's too little, too late from you, but I agree that the right thing to do would be get in touch,and even offer financial support if you are able to . (Is there an inheritance for your son that the money could come out of?!)

Totally agree with you grumpyfrog

But apparently a man is a shit if he doesn't want more children.
I've had an abortion and it was my right to do so. IMO it's a mans choice and right to not be a father too

It's not up to your son whether or not you try to form a relationship with your third grandchild.
It is up to that child's mother. If she rejects your attempts to make contact, back off - she might feel that she wants nothing from your son's family given the way he has treated her.
I got a bit confused by reading one of your previous posts - is the mother of your other grandchildren hostile to you/your son? Is that the issue - that your son doesn't want to provoke the mother of his other children?