To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

No one is expecting op to fix things for a 'grown up' but that doesn't mean she should be complicit in facilitating his poor judgement. If anything, his depression means he's not thinking clearly at this time when op perhaps is.

There is an innocent child in this scenario who is potentially going to grow up feeling rejected, confused and unloved by a whole side of his family - for what? If he is responsible and moral enough to take in a child to hays not even his, the very least he can do is 'allow' his mum a relationship rather than forbid it.

Dude parents his children 3 nights a week and is apparently a 'brilliant father' (gag) but can use depression as a get out of jail free card regarding the new child he fathered? Nah, don't think so. He's a prick. If he felt so strongly about not having another child he would have ensured it wasn't an option.
I would absolutely be embarrassed and ashamed to have raised a child with such self centred, pathetic 'morals'. With a gfather who apparently 'has no interest' in this new baby and a gmother who has to even ask whether abandoning a new grandchild to be raised in the SAME AREA as the wanted ones would be ok or not, it's not really hard to assign some kind of responsibility here.
OP isn't being asked to 'fix' anything for her useless son. Not sure where that came from?

I think your being unreasonable. I was that child. My dad didnt and doesn’t want to know once his relationship ended with my Mum. I grew up not knowing him or my grandparents aunts uncles and cousins. I felt like I never belonged. I didn’t know where I came from and that kind of trauma isn’t something you just get over. This innocent child deserves better than that. As a mother myself. I will never be able to understand how he could act like I don’t exist. How he can be there for my siblings but not me. How my grandparents could care so little. They reached out to me against his wishes and are now a very big part of my life. My grandfather passed away 5 years after we got in touch and although that was hard and I felt robbed I was glad to get to know him and know that I did matter. I have a relationship with my grandmother and my children are growing up knowing where they come from and who their family is. My father still doesn’t want to know and if you do reach out and build up a relationship he may not change his mind. My grandparents suffer a lot of guilt for not doing the right thing. You don’t want to have the guilt that they have. If you want this grandchild in your life do it. If you don’t that’s your choice but don’t let your son dictate to you, because things might not turn out they way they have for me and my grandparents and you won’t want to live with that guilt and heartache the rest of your life

I agree that the OP should see the child or try too at least and her son is a disgrace but blaming her for the son being a disgrace is not on.

You often get three siblings two who is ok and the other a complete dick, which means the mum can't be automatically blamed for the complete dick as she got it right somehow with the other two.

They are two adults themselves, who under stand risks of unprotected sex. Should he step up for his child, in my opinion yes. Are you sure you know all side's of story. What if the mother told him to stay away. Very tricky

My son did pay for the test. In the cynical hope of escaping his responsibilities. Classey!

The baby is lucky to not have such a disgusting selfish father and grandmother/grandfather

OP if you find and contact your grandchild's mother, be prepared for her to push you away. You're going to have to offer unrelenting and profound apologies and prove that you deserve a place in her child's life. You've not behaved at all well towards her and if you're serious about being around your grandchild will really have to,accept every piece of humble pie that comes your way.

If I was her I wouldn't trust you at all.

Another one who thinks the OP is getting a hard time..I hope OP does have a relationship with the child as her son may recover and regret his present actions. A relationship will leave the door open.
But her son is an adult..he has depression...that is a mental health issue...and people with mental health problems don't think rationally all the time..yes, with hindsight he should have been more careful if he didn't want a child with the woman but the OP is not responsible for her sons behaviour. But...she also decided to keep the child, having a child with a man who has MH problems probably isn't her wisest decision either. If she knew him for any length of time she will have known that he suffered MH illness too.

As for people saying she should grovel to the childs' mother...really...if she is prepared to punish her child by refusing the relationship between grandparents and grandchild she is frankly as bad as the OPs son.
And before someone says it..its' not 'victim blaming'..its called both parents being responsible for the life they have created.

So many people thinking it is so easy for him to have avoided getting his girlfriend pregnant!

Chin up, what a wonderful lady!!

Agree op is getting hard time here. She is asking for opinions on what to do. Be kind. I know two grandmother in this situation who, inspite of repeated pleas for at least seeing their gc have not even responded!

One of the 2 children isn’t even his and he took them on as his own and is named father on the birth certificate

Can I ask how you're so sure about this? - was a DNA test done for this child too? - because frankly he doesn't sound the type to put his name to anything which might involve responsibility, never mind for a child he knew wasn't his

And is he paying full maintenance for the first child(ren), or does he use "having them for three nights" to claim shared custody and reduce his contribution while no doubt leaving you to do most of the childcare because he's soooo busy with work?

My ex was happy seeing his daughter at weekends for years. Eventually I asked him to start paying maintenance and within half an hour he asked if he could have her 3 nights a week. It says on the gov.uk website about maintenance that the non resident parent doesn't have to pay if they have them 3 nights a week. I also wonder if that is his motivation.

His ex partner left him and went with someone else, in which time she got pregnant. They decided together to bring the child up as theirs as the other man didn’t want to know which made sense at the time as they already had one child together.

A DNa test was done just to prove to the biological father that the baby was his. He pays no maintenance.

My son pays over the odds for maintenance for his 2 children. Any time she rings for money he gives it which is why he can’t afford his own place. I do not get involved with the childcare as he picks them up after work and has one day off in the week. He drops them back to their mum on a Saturday morning then picks them up again afterwards. Sometimes these arrangements can be very early in the morning or late at night as his ex partner wants to go out. Sometimes it’s more than 3 nights if the ex partner so wishes. From my point of view whatever she says he does! And he’s been scared into losing the kids if he doesn’t comply.

I'd tell him because you dont want a relationship doesn't man he can dictate if I have one. I also be railroading his arse and tell him to take care of his responsibilities

From the point of view of a mother who’s sat outside or years of Camhs appointments with my rejected child, get in contact with her. Don’t be totally put off. She may be deeply hurt at the abandonment and it might take her time to come around. Written is best. Email, Facebook or letter. It will give her space to think and reflect.

What if it was a reverse and someone did this to your daughter?

So if I'm understanding correctly, a 27 year old male who's determined to avoid responsibility for the latest child he's created is quite happy to pay for a previous child he hasn't, and even to put his name on that child's birth certificate

Further, despite the coincidence of having both existing children for the "magic" 3 nights which would enable him to dodge maintenance, he's actually paying "over the odds" for them

I don't doubt that you're posting in good faith on the basis of what he's told you, Orange, but in all honesty does all this sound entirely plausible?

You son hasn't respected his ex-partner or his child.

My priority would be to respect them before him.

An accident? He needs to man up and dig deep. If he didn't want a baby then he should have been more careful. Maybe stay back for now but send a card or a text to ask if you can come and see her. Let her lead the way.

He has no PR
He may not be right its his child.
Only mother to be knows.
Id sit this one out. Its his responsibility to ascertain if he has or is bringing a child into the world and if so he needs to step up the the mark.
hes putting you in a bloody tricky position as you will want to make sure your grand child is well looked after.
I think he needs a bloody good smack on the bottom and told to sort his life out as its impacting on you.
dont agree to sit there as he is planning to do hes a woos.

Why is he scared to lose his children though? It sounds like he is parenting them equally, pays maintenance and has a good relationship with them. If access changes or he wants more permanency with contact, the courts are there to facilitate this.

It doesn't detract from disowning his third child though. Interesting he could get past parenting a non biological child (and credit to him for that) but won't acknowledge the baby. Odd.

He may not be right its his child. Only mother to be knows

I think OP said a DNA test had already been done ... and that's in addition to the one done on the child his GF supposedly conceived with someone else, which DS agreed to raise. For all we know there may have been one for the first existing child too as it seems to be his go-to procedure

It seems a shame that, rather than requesting all these tests, DS doesn't just take more responsibility for his sperm in the first place

Totally disagree with the posters who think men have the right to opt out if parenthood if they wanted the mum to have an abortion but they didn't. An abortion isn't a reset button, especially not for the woman involved. If a man doesn't want a baby they should either not have sex or be very sure their contraception is effective.

So, which one is it?! Either they both have a choice, or neither do.

Or are you saying that contraception is a man's responsibility, because if a woman doesn't "keep it in her pants" then she has the luxury of a surgical Get-Out Clause that men don't? So men need to take more care of their reproductive habits than women do?

Try saying "If a woman doesn't want a baby, she shouldn't be having sex" and see how far that gets you.