To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

You are all being so harsh on OP. She has found herself in a situation not of her own making. You can’t blame OP and his upbringing, because if that were the case she wouldn’t even be asking the question. She is clearly a loving mother and grandmother. Caught between a rock and a hard place.. I agree that he has behaved badly. I agree that OP should see the child if she wants. But you are all missing the dilemma here. OP may lose the relationship with her son over this. And regardless of anything he has done or how he has behaved he is her son.
My brother has a son he wants nothing to do with. Our DF respected DB wishes and stopped seeing him (we all saw him until age 3 when DB met his crazy wife). I carried on my relationship with nephew. He is 24 now and the most amazing young man that makes me so proud. DB and DF have missed out on that. It has caused issues over the years and will in times to come. I get married next year and want all the people I love there. That means DB and DF will have to suck it up.
It’s not an easy road to navigate and there are many divided loyalties. OP, do what you think is right for you considering all relationships. It’s a tough situation.

he should have used protection if he didn’t want children or better still kept it in his pants

Do you feel the same about women who have abortions or is it just men who don't want unplanned children that are worthy of your ire?

he was besotted with her until this accident happened

'This accident' is your grandchild, right?

I think there are ways at supporting both rather than feeling you have to make a choice.

I’d also make it clear to my son that you do not condone his actions and that whilst you’ll always love him, and it’s the situation of his choosing, you still brought him up to behave better. There’s not really any acceptable reason to pretend your child doesn’t exist.

I would be beyond angry and disappointed if my adult son did this to a woman and child. What kind of man does that? “I didn’t want this baby” - yeah well, the mother gets to decide, and she did, so suck it up and face your responsibilities.

I’d be contacting the mother to see my grandchild. Not your fault your son in spineless and pretends the baby doesn’t exist, this child has the chance of having a loving grandparent which I think will be nice after having such a shit father.

I'm sorry to write that your son is behaving horribly. Please don't support him in this. It sounds like you might owe the lady an apology. Could you write to her and let her know you'd really like to be in contact? Whatever you do, your DGC is going to grow up and start asking questions so, it's only a matter of time before you and your son have to deal with it all. Better to do this sooner rather than later.

Your son is a shit, and I question how you've dragged him up too.

please don't ignore your grandchild. My brother did this 11 years ago - walked away whilst a girl was pregnant. He didn't tell my parents so they had no choice; my nephew now has a lot of questions & wants to know why we as a family walked away when his dad did. It is soul destroying. Just because he wants to wash his hands does not give him the right to dictate the same to you

Your son sounds awful, sorry.

I'm sorry, and I really do have sympathy for the difficult position you are in, but your son is not a great father to his children.
You don't get to pick the children that you want to raise and the children you do not. He has abandoned the sibling of his previous children, and has attempted to hide the baby from the mother of his other children. Not forgetting he got the new lady pregnant and left her.
But all that is by the wayside, because that baby is not going to blame your son for stopping you being in their life. They are not going to excuse you because you were just following your son's wishes. You made that choice.
Your son will get over it, the child and their mother will not.
Ultimately it really has nothing to do with your son. He has made it clear the child is nothing to him, but it is something to you. Only you can make that choice.

OP, your son needs help, can you help him find some counselling?
You say that he knows full well the implications of what he is doing,but if he's in a fog rhyme and reason won't make sense to him.
He will regret this and You are the only one capable of bringing all of you together to achieve the best result, whatever that will be.
Contact your ds ex and apologise, tell ds he can't do this, and make him seek help.

I didn’t want this baby” - yeah well, the mother gets to decide, and she did, so suck it up and face your responsibilities

His responsibilities are purely financial, legally that's where it starts and ends. Just as the mother gets to decide whether she wants to keep the baby, he can also decide whether he wants to be emotionally involved or not

Please don't ignore her.

My XP mum supported her DS (ds father) and never encouraged him to step up to the plate.
Instead she used to empathise how hard it was being a LP (she was with her DS for a few years).

I never wanted anything from her but wanted her to be involved for ds sake.

Would you like to have brought your son up on your own and have his father disown him?
Parenting even at his age is about showing a good example and I can think of no better than to show him how to be a good parent by writing to this young lady and asking her for a relationship with her new family.

OP, your son needs help, can you help him find some counselling?

"Help", my arse. He needs a boot up the backside.

grumpy , presumably if a woman doesn’t want children she is either sensible about precautions or prepared to have an abortion , I have no issue with that . Men don’t get to choose the abortion so they need to be extra careful in the first place . What a decent person doesn’t do is say that’s an accident and walk away .

IMO you are risking your relationship with your other two grandchildren. One day they will discover that you have another grandchild and will question whether your love for them is equally conditional. What would have happened if one of them had been the unlucky third grandchild? Would granny disappear if dad decided to abandon them? Very troubling.

You should contact the mother, apologise for being absent until now and offer your support. Your son doesn't get a say.

Orangeflow 21:34:28
Your attempt to explain the reasons behind you sons attitude make him sound a great deal worse than he appeared at first.
Aside from that he has said he didn’t want to pay for another child and has no interest in being a dad again. Tough, he should have thought before he slept with her. He is a father whether he like it or not and you are simply enabling his awful behavior. How many more children would he have to father for you to realise that needs to take responsibility for his action and the effect they have on others. He is not a naive teenager but a grown man.

I would ask my son why he thought he had any right to live with me, when he demonstrated with this baby how much he thinks a parent's support should be relied on. He's an adult , depressed or not. The baby is a baby. End of story except for being deeply ashamed of him and letting him know this.

We don't know if the baby was a product of unprotected sex or contraception failure (accidental or deliberate) so we cannot judge your son on that. If it is a deliberate contraception failure, it could explain his poor mental health and why he doesn't want you to contact the mother.

I would personally contact the mother and see if you could be a part of your grandchild's life.

It also sounds like your DS needs outside help for the depression and learning to accept that he has a third child.

I think your first loyalty is to your son and you should abide by his wishes,
Completely wrong. Your son is supposed to be an adult. This is a child. They will feel rejected enough by your son - don't compound it by rejecting the child too.

You talk about it as though it's a 'choice'. Well the baby is here - there is no choice, he's the father and you are the grandmother. I think you both need to step up in your roles.
So unfair on that poor baby to be potentially inflicting years of confusion and feelings of being rejected ad a result of both your actions. Do you want to be responsible for that?

Your son is a revolting creature. Perhaps he needs educating about condoms

Poor baby. Imagine growing up knowing your dad lives in the same area, has two other children he looks after but doesn't want you.

How awful.