Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

263 replies

Orangeflow · 08/11/2017 21:07

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Ifartrainbowsandglitter · 08/11/2017 21:23

Your son sounds like a dick. It takes two to make a baby. You have a grandchild. If he can’t step up I suggest you do.

monkeyfacegrace · 08/11/2017 21:23

Fuck that shit!

I'd be over to form a relationship with my grandchild in a shot. And I'd tear my son a new arsehole for being an utter weasel.

He made a baby for Christ sake! He can't just say 'nope, nothing to do with me' and disappear!

Sorry but if you stand by him, you're weak and contributing to an innocent child being abandoned by half of his very being Angry

Dragongirl10 · 08/11/2017 21:23

OP if your son didn't want a baby why was he not using a condom...EVERY time...

If l were you l would be contacting this lady and seeing if she was amenable to visits to see the Grandchild.

Also l would be giving my son a serious lecture on his responsibilities, ie l would be pretty disgusted with his behavior.

Lindy2 · 08/11/2017 21:24

Your son has fathered a child but has decided to not acknowledge that fact. No, there is no way I would support him in that and no way I would not acknowledge and support a grandchild.

thecakefairy · 08/11/2017 21:24

Your son is an adult with free will to do as he wants.
Your lovely grandchild is a defenceless child who has been abandoned.
I could easily work out which one I’d support!

IvorHughJarrs · 08/11/2017 21:26

Chinup What a lovely post Flowers

AnyFucker · 08/11/2017 21:27

Have you always mollycoddled your son ? Excused him from taking responsibility for his own actions ?

That chicken is coming home to roost right now. I would be ashamed of him. The fact that you are not says it all really.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/11/2017 21:27

I wouldn't stand by my son in this. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with the baby's mother, fair enough. But to try and pretend that this child is nothing to do with him, and washing his hands of it, is despicable.

He had a child (and you have a grandchild) whether or not he steps up to the plate. He's being incredibly unreasonable by requiring you to wash your hands of this baby too.

And maybe the mum won't want to see you, either. But you could reach out anyway.

londonrach · 08/11/2017 21:27

Poor baby. What a horrible boy (hes not a man) your son is. Id contact the lady but suspect shes hurt by how awful your son has been. Image she was your daughter..how would you feel about a man who did ths to her...

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 08/11/2017 21:28

I hope he's paying for this baby.

I suggest you also tell him that you will decide if you wish to try to have a relationship with your grandchild or not. You don't have to mention the child to him if he doesn't want to know (ugh) but he doesn't get to dictate to you when he himself has washed his hands of the innocent baby.

Christmas is coming up, might I suggest a large box of Durex in DS stocking?

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2017 21:28

Absolutely get in touch with her.

Then sit your son down and make sure he realises what his responsibilities (legally and morally) are to this baby.

DancesWithOtters · 08/11/2017 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButterfliesAreWeird · 08/11/2017 21:29

I would disown my son if he abandoned his child. If I were you I would contact the mother and offer unconditional support for her and the baby

FlowerPot1234 · 08/11/2017 21:29

The poor lady has gone through a pregnancy and birth alone, and is now bringing up the child alone, with all the responsibility and costs that this involves. Whilst your disgustingly behaving son washes his hands of her and expects you to too.

I would not stand by my son if he had done this.
I would not stand by his decision that I should not have a relationship with my grandchild.
I would rush, as a decent human being and a grandmother, to offer my help, support, friendship and love to the mother he abandoned.

Shame on your son.

mustresistwine · 08/11/2017 21:31

I think your son has behaved disgracefully Shock

And I think deep down you know this & tht is why you are posting. Please do the right thing & encourage your son to do the same

Regularsizedrudy · 08/11/2017 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Orangeflow · 08/11/2017 21:34

There could possibly be more to it regarding his previous partner. He’s very good with the children he has by her. Has them 3 nights a week in between working and is a brilliant father to them. He does currently live with me since him and the previous partner split up so the children also stay at mine but I try and remain in the grandmother role and not take over.

The previous partner has shown jealousy at new women in his life so I think he’s tried to avoid letting her know. My son and the one who’s recently had the baby were very good friend for many years and I suspected a long time ago he felt more towards her but I don’t think she felt the same until recently. He won’t talk about the situation really apart from to say he didn’t want the baby and had told her that and asked her to consider not keeping it.

He didn’t want the previous partner to find out in case she messed him around seeing his other children. She is aware of it though and has not stopped him seeing the children. All 3 children will grow up in the same area. I tried ‘adding’ the lady on social media but nothing has been accepted and this was a couple of months ago. I don’t know where she lives either.

I know from a conversation/argument that happened back around March at my house that she had said she didn’t want his money. Aside from that he has said he didn’t want to pay for another child and has no interest in being a dad again. I cannot understand it myself as he was besotted with her until this accident happened. I really like her and she will be a good role model to her child. During the conversation at my house I didn’t make any attempt to talk to her or show support for her so I suspect she feels let down by me after knowing each other a long time.

I also know the lady offered him a home for him and his current children and to make a go of things properly but this seemed to have made things worse as he didn’t want the commitment of a mortgage with her. He is on tablets prescribed by the doctor for his depression and he seems to understand full well the decision he’s made.

I must admit I felt very disappointed to hear he was going to be a dad again given the circumstances.

OP posts:
DaisysStew · 08/11/2017 21:34

I have a son and a younger brother- both of them would be getting their arses handed to them for behaving like that.

If he didn't want another child he shouldn't have had unprotected sex. Surely by 27 and with 2 children already he is aware of how babies are made? He's had his fun and now he thinks he can walk away and accept no responsibility?

If you want a relationship with your grandchild (and this baby is as much your family as the other 2 he has) then make contact- and make it clear that you don't condone what he's done.

I'd also be having very, very strong words with him and letting him know how ashamed you are of his actions (which I hope you are). He needs to grow up.

bbpp · 08/11/2017 21:36

Slightly different but my dad stopped having anything to do with me when I was about 5. No cards, not even child maintenance (he kept changing jobs to avoid paying anything). My grandparents on that side saw me for a little while and sent Christmas cards but eventually they stopped too, when I was about 7.

It fucked me up. It is a big cause of my mental health problems I have now. Being abandoned by the one person (or persons) who is supposed to love you unconditionally hurts, a lot. And it made me wonder what is wrong with me... am I inherently unlovable? Queue years of depression, BPD, self harm, suicide attempts.... (Although it was no where close to being the only factor, I had a terrible home environment too)

I’d be encouraging your son to NOT do this to his child.

PovertyPain · 08/11/2017 21:36

I've always told my boys that is they got a girl pregnant, id expect them to be a responsible dad. I expect this, even if she was the nastiest fecker that ever walked this earth, ore a one night stand. This would not be the babies fault. Thankfully know I would stand by the baby, no matter their wants, as I stood by them, throughout their lives. Your son needs to grow up.

Toast3 · 08/11/2017 21:36

My brother got a girl pregnant in his early 20’s. They weren’t together but he told me about it and asked me to keep it quiet and not tell other family members.. I did as he asked, until I heard she had given birth. I went straight to the hospital (I couldn’t help myself). I now have a wonderful relationship with my adult nephew and so does the rest of the family.
I’m so glad I ignored my brothers wishes.
Do what your heart tells you to do...the baby is your blood.... Good luck!

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 08/11/2017 21:37

I'm sorry but if that was my son I'd be incredibly disappointed in him.

BestZebbie · 08/11/2017 21:37

I think you need to contact the mother and offer a grandparent relationship. If only for your son's other children, who will otherwise have to see their Granny blanking their sibling through no fault of its own and may wonder if they could be cast aside so cheaply too.

NameChangeFamousFolk · 08/11/2017 21:38

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one

He should definitely not had unprotected sex then, should he?

I would not stand by my son if he had done this
I would not stand by his decision that I should not have a relationship with my grandchild

This ^^ 100%

Your son is behaving like a first class shit. As his mother, perhaps you could help him understand that.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2017 21:38

Don't be so bloody wet

If you wanted to find this "lady" and your grandchild, you could

Your son's decisions are his responsibility but you have your own to make. Choose wisely.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread