To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

He's not a good father, as he's abandoned one of his own.

Get him a vasectomy for christmas....spare the world more of his wild oats.

Hopefully you don't need a Mumsnet thread to tell you your son is behaving very poorly. It must be difficult to come to terms with that. I hope he will step up and take responsibility for the life he has created.

Morally I think you must get in touch with your grandchild's mother and offer your support in any way you can. If this child grows up without a father at least you can make some amends by being a positive force in their lives.

Sounds like it may be a good idea that your son doesn't want more children, perhaps he should consider a vasectomy.

Kick him out of your house see how he likes his parent turning their back...

If your son doesn't like the fact that you're in the baby's life (If the mother allows it) then he can move out, can't he? Whilst he is with you I'd be charging him rent if you're not already and send the money to the mother and baby

ok hun, well here is the view (mine how I felt) from the mum of two whose father who did just that (long story, first planned then he went, came back then preg with 2nd by accident !!! depo injection wtf didn't work )
. well the father doesnt want to know, I personally really didn't think about grandparents etc of bio father. I didn't contact them and I didn't want to hear from them very simple in my opinion . I had a lot of support from my friends/ family and I was late 20S own place etc.
everyone will say its his decision but also its hers. you could give her you details and leave it at that. if she wants to contact you leave door open but don't push it. she may send you pics but not want direct contact. you have to leave it to her.
for all you know she could be in a relationship with someone else who is "dad" or who wants to be . I have known a few.
Men are so diferent to us, we as women carry babies for nine months we have that instant connection, however the male does not. for some men its like donating blood! horrible but true.
Please don't pressure the lady in question, you have to let her decide, and if baby is a few months old, I think she already has. If she wanted you involved it is highly likely she would have contacted you either prior to giving birth or v soon after.
I know you are prob hurting but I will give you an honest answer , as my friends tell me I don't lie or give false hope, I say it like it is, I hope you understand.

I also hope your son pulls his socks up but I would not hold my breath.

Best wishes darling I am so sorry xxx

Gherkin I'm sure finding out that you were shunned by the whole family while they all helped look after the other kids would be in an even higher slap in the face to be honest. Not to mention so very hurtful.

omg!there is no way i'd support my son leaving a human life because it wasn't wanted-flipping heck! i'd be furious at my son's lack of honoring his responsibilities-happy to have sex with her..not happy for a innocent human life to come out of it. that poor child. least it can have is a decent grandma if not a decent dad. awful behaviour. deplorable.
part of being a mum is to tell him when he has to show responsibility and tell him when the little life doesnt deserve a family who "didnt want him cos it was an accident" sex is no accident. ever. poor child.
contact the mum and be a lovely grandparent. your son will realise his error when the "thing" is talking and asking for daddy.

No I would not stand by my son. I hate it when people use the tie of family to group together to do something very wrong.

Like abandoning a child. How awful. I’d have words with him.

Part and parcel of being loyal to your children is not agreeing with them when they behave in vile ways.

So no, there are no circumstances under which I would support an adult to behave like this

I’ve been that woman and now have a 7 year old.
My ex decided he wasn’t ready to be a father (he was 31 so not a kid) and left me at 6 months pregnant. My DD wasn’t planned but she is very much loved.
My Ex’s mother was involved but after he moved on with another woman 6 weeks before I had even given birth, he took on this woman’s 2 children and less that 2 years later fathered another child with her.
DD’s grandma had kept in touch even though her son had cut us off until he convinced her to stop. It’s been 5 years since we’ve had any contact from her.
I will never forgive any of them for the heartache they have caused me. Not a birthday card for DD in 7 years, no financial help - I have only ever received one email stating he cannot have contact with us as it upsets his partner too much as it pains her to know she isn’t the mother of her first child. Let’s jusr forget she’s got 2 children with her ExH shall we?!
My DD is perfectly happy though, she’s the best little accident to have ever happened and I wouldn’t change her for the world.

People like your son though will feel it one day. When he has to look into the eyes of his children and explain why he abandoned their sibling. And when he has to face that child and explain to them why he chose only to love and care for his other kids whilst ignoring their existence.
It will happen. You will have to face reality one day.
Don’t be complicit in this.
Be the good guy.
And also give your son a fucking hard slap from me

We know the OP is disappointed, fact is, this has happened now and wants to know what to do going forward.

My advice is to reach out to this child, I think it will bother you if you don’t, I think you know it’s the right thing to do.

Ultimately, none of us are in your exact circumstances and you must make this decision.

OP you sound like you're a caring person. It's very, very hard not to write something scathing about your son.

But in the end, whether he meant to have a baby or not and whatever he's like with the other two, he now has another child who can call him father.

That baby needs family. Your son is letting him or her down. They need you.

If the mother will let you - be involved. If her circumstances are difficult, then she'll need you even for the absolute basic minimum for financial help. Babies cost and if you're on a minute wage that can make life hellishly hard, and that means both mother and baby suffer.

So much more than that though, a baby needs love and a family; mother and if at all humanly possibly, healthy loving grandparents and such like. This baby potentially has a grandmother and two half-siblings. That can be an awful lot in their life. But they do need you to be there.

It sounds like you love your other grandchildren, from the care and worry in your post. You need to be there for this one - perhaps more even than for the other two, if you are allowed.

Why do you think you need to do what your son tells you to? He's not your boss. Presumably you stopped telling him what to do some time ago.

Sadly he can do what he wants, poor as his choices are. Although he does have to financially support his DC. You can do as you want too. You can try and build a relationship with your GC, and your GC's mother. You can offer whatever support you want, including encouraging her to pursue the financial support her DC is entitled to.

Your DS can like it or lump it. In fact it is none of his business. You can have relationships with anyone you want. You don't have to stop loving him as your DS, but you don't have to agree or support any or all of his choices.

I am not sure kicking this lady whilst down is a good idea.
My eldest son has never met his father. My ex lied to her (I was only 18) and said my son wasn’t his. When he turned 18 the lady got In contact with my son to explain that she had been lied too, had seen a photo of him and that she was terribly sorry.
If he is suffering with his ill health (mental) then he might appreciate the door being maintained by you until he feels better about things.

I'd also warn him that it will probably affect his relationship with his other kids. I love my dad to bits but if he fathered another child and abandoned it I would totally lose respect for him. He's also depriving them of a relationship with their sibling.

I’d be ashamed of him tbh.
I can’t believe you’re ‘standing by your son’ in being a dead beat Dad!

He’s an adult and can do as he sees fit, but so are you. And right now you’re being just as bad. You are a grandparent whether you like it or not. That poor kid.

You must do as you think fit. Your son has chosen not to be involved in the child's life and that's up to him. But I think you have the right to approach the mother and see if she will allow you to have contact if that's what you want. She is within her rights to say no but I don't think you'd be wrong to make the approach.

Your shitty son needs to have a vasectomy to prevent him breeding even more kids to damage.
He wanted his ex lover to have an abortion because of his failings and is living with his mummy, being completely shit in every way. Any attempt to blame his disgusting choices on depression is appalling and an insult to people with depression. He’s behaving this way because he’s a terrible person.

Same sort of situation very similar situation except I'm the mother to a dd 3 months & her father & I left her father during pregnancy very good reasons & he assured me he wanted to be there for her & couldn't wait for her to born then six weeks before she was born poof total 180, he lives with his father but its literally down the st from us 28 houses to be exact & sees his child from previous relationship, its sick if I was to just up & leave her I'd be done for neglect but him its OK, my mum informed them she was born & we never heard off them until one day his father had the cheek to say hi to my mother when she was passing their home & they was on doorstep think dd was about 2 months old then & whenever his father sees me walking with baby he has run back in his house, whatever you decide to do it has to be your decision not your sons as its your grandchild not a ex gf of his or a friend he's fallen out with its his child & your grandchild

What do you want to do?

I'm very glad that my ex's mother wrote to me when ex went in a year long strop. She wrote me a lovely letter explaining that she didn't agree with him and that she, and her husband, would like to know their granddaughters.

They made it very clear that they would accept whatever was good for me. They'd be the kind of grandparents who visited fornightly, had lots of overnight trips and were the first port of call if babysitters were needed, or they'd be the kind of grandparents who sent cards at birthdays and christmases. They just wanted to be involved and for their granddaughters to know that they loved them.

It wasn't easy in the beginning. It was quite weird, but we worked it all out and the girls have a wonderful relationship with them. Their relationship with their father improved for a while when he met a new GF, but now that she is his wife and they have children of their own they don't see him (his choice). They still have a great relationship with their GPs.

So forget what your son wants, what do you want to do?

I have a 19 year old nephew and if he ever did any shit like your son, his mother would have his hide and I bloody would too.

Baby might have been unplanned, but he needs to man the fuck up, get round the mum's house on bended bloody knee and beg for a change to put things right with the baby.

If he dont, then he's just a horrible person and a shit dad.

Three kids at the age of 27 and you live with none of them. What a depressing state of affairs. I would no more agree to his terms than I would support his attitude to child rearing.

He lives with none of them I should say. So shocked I can't type. What a depressing story. I would be kicking my son up the back side (metaphorically) rather than taking his side.

Your son needs to stop having sex if he doesn’t want more kids, or get the snip.