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AIBU?

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Original poster

To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

263 replies

Orangeflow · 08/11/2017 21:07

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 08/11/2017 22:15

I think I'd go against my son's wishes here and try to mend some of the damage here. Grandparents can be an incredible part of children's lives; I know my memories of my Grandparents are some of the happiest of my childhood.

Your son doesn't need to be involved for you to be involved. You don't need to ask his permission; you need to get on with your Grandchild's Mother and respect her enough to try and support her and be a positive part of this child's life. Leave him to make the choices he wants to make. He sounds like he'd add nothing to the child's life at the moment, and I'm certain at some point it will bite him on his arse. Don't get caught up and miss out on your Grandchild because of your son's ridiculous decision.

Gazelda · 08/11/2017 22:15

I’d be ashamed of my son if he behaved the way yours is.
Why is it ok for him to be a fantastic father to his 2 eldest, but not his youngest child?
Personally, I’d be attempting contact with your GC’s DM, and tells by your DS that you were doing so because the child deserves to know his/her family. The DM also deserves to receive financial support.
There is no excuse for his behaviour.

Ellendegeneres · 08/11/2017 22:15

I don't get how this gets blamed on his depression or mood.
He had sex with someone. They created a baby. He chooses to have nothing to do with and has you doing the same about an innocent child- who is the sibling of his dc who he is such a wonderful bloody father too. It doesn't add up.

Let me lay it like this. I have two dc. I suffer bipolar- the mania and the depression are absolute bastards to live with. But I get care from Drs, support from various agencies. If I were to get pregnant, would it be ok for me to hand my newborn to the father and walk off stating mental health as my reason to have nothing to do with (including my legal financial duty) this innocent? To tell my mother to have nothing to do with this new child too..
No? Why? Because I'm female?
Or because mental health is not an acceptable fucking reason to walk away from your child whilst simultaneously trying to claim father of the fucking year for taking responsibility for the other two dc.

This is so messed up, I can't believe it's even real.

corlan · 08/11/2017 22:17

I think you know that you are doing wrong by this poor child. It goes without saying that your son's behaviour is shameful.

Question is, are you going to do the right thing?

tigerbasil · 08/11/2017 22:18

If you really think the way you are behaving is ok then I'm not surprised he grew up to be such a horrible man. Vile.

GherkinSnatch · 08/11/2017 22:21

Poor baby. Imagine growing up knowing your dad lives in the same area, has two other children he looks after but doesn't want you.

How awful.

Yeah, I'm not seeing how a potential relationship with a grandparent would solve that though - especially a grandparent who lives with the father and has extremely regular contact with the half-siblings (who presumably don't/won't know about a sibling until their father comes clean). It's all well and good to say online that you'd act one way or the other, but it's rarely that clearcut when peoples' lives are involved.

Atenco · 08/11/2017 22:23

I certainly feel that my loyalty is to my child relatives not to my adult relatives. If my dd had turned out to be a bad mother I would have been the first to report her.

And I am eternally grateful to my dd's grandparents who not only did not snub me when I had a child by their son after having split up with him. but also were a wonderful support for me and my dd all the way through.

Original poster
Orangeflow · 08/11/2017 22:24

I understand I need to make contact with the lady so will try harder to get into contact.
The baby was a result of failed contraception and I have tried getting my son to take responsibility but he’s just not interested.

I hope I can make contact and become a part of the baby’s life. I had previously told my son I wanted to do this and he questioned why I wanted to get involved when he isn’t. Said it’s nothing to do with me.

It’s been playing on my mind a lot hence why I posted!

OP posts:
Imknackeredzzz · 08/11/2017 22:25

Ugh your son sounds god awful. I couldn’t bear to look at him if that was my child disowning his own baby. He’s made my skin crawl, and I feel a little sick

vdbfamily · 08/11/2017 22:25

I think I would go against his wishes and at least see if his ex is happy for you to be involved but I do so hate the hypocrisy on threads like this. If a woman decides to have sex either unprotected or a contraception failure, there is so much support for her to have an abortion or keep the baby against the fathers wishes. No-one ever says on these threads that the woman should have considered that before she had sex. We do not know anything about this situation. She might have deliberately got pregnant against his wishes. I think everyone is being unnecessarily harsh on Ops son without knowing the details.

whenthestarsturnblue · 08/11/2017 22:25

I think you should say to your son, if there is a grandchild of mine in the world, then I want to know them, let them know they are loved and have them part of my life. Be straight about (assuming you want to know this child!!). The mother may not be receptive, maybe you could approach her parents if so. Deal with whatever happens after that. No point in guessing or surmising what might or might not occur at this point.

QueenUnicorn · 08/11/2017 22:27

Contact. And keep it up. Don't be in and out of baby's life, be in it.

I have a friend with a little girl who's Dad chose NC and his family follow his request. The little girl is 6 and she asks about her family all the time, it breaks your heart to see her try and process it.

Bluntness100 · 08/11/2017 22:27

How can you call,your own grandchl “”it”. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree does it??how could you even post that?

Or do you not even know your own grand child’s gender? Which is it? You don’t know or you prefer to refer to your own grand child as “it”.

No, I could never support a father, my own son, who refuses to acknowledge or support his own child. I’d be equally appalled at a grandparent who followed suit. Yes he is your son, and yes you are asking, but for me it doesn’t get you out of jail. Tell him his behavuour is unacceptable, and he can get the hell out of your home till he learns to be a decent human being.

It’s sickening.

PidgeonSpray · 08/11/2017 22:28

If you want contactbyiu should have contact but it sounds like you don't know the whole story.

Can you contact her and ask for her side of things and then decide if you should/ want contact ?

(On another note.... I would be recommending to your son that he has a vasectomy)

Good luck with everything

vdbfamily · 08/11/2017 22:28

cross post sorry but kind of proves my point a bit. They were taking precautions which failed. It is a very difficult situation. No-one would question the womans choice to say no I don't want this (even if the man desperately did) but if the man says he does not want a baby he is lambasted. I know it is complex but I just think there needs to be some equity in compassion here.

GlitterGlassEye · 08/11/2017 22:29

My mum and ‘dad ‘ had me at a fairly young age (late teens). They had been together for years and even got married when I was 18 months old. He left for another woman when I was 3, had 2 kids with her and fought tooth and nail for outright custody for them. I was completely disregarded from his life and his parents kept contact, apparently they adored me but he made them choose between him and me, a toddler. They chose him. No financial support from dad either. I went to his mums funeral years later and I couldn’t have cared less that she was dead.

I have a son and I’d rip him a new one at the mere suggestion if he pulled this on me.

Methemandus · 08/11/2017 22:31

Your son is a disgrace. I hope you’re utterly ashamed of him and yourself for ignoring that innocent child.Angry

dibbleanddobble · 08/11/2017 22:31

I'd be massively disappointed in my son in your shoes. He chose to have sex with her, he needs to step up. In terms of what you should do, definitely set a good example and get involved. That poor baby, growing up knowing she's been rejected by her family.

FlowerPot1234 · 08/11/2017 22:32

Orangeflow
I have tried getting my son to take responsibility but he’s just not interested.

Why don't you kick him out of your home? He might become "interested" then.

kootoo123 · 08/11/2017 22:33

Your job raising and mothering your son is done. He is now an adult and being a di@k. You either agree with his behavior or you dont. If you want to see your grandchild make contact. His wanting you to agree with him is deep down he knows he is being unreasonable and if you refuse grandchild he justifies his behaviour and gets not to feel bad about it.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/11/2017 22:33

I understand I need to make contact with the lady so will try harder to get into contact.

And when you do, OP, honestly you will have to go on bended knee if you do want to make this right, or to have any hope of a relationship with your grandchild. She must be feeling so betrayed by this all. You cannot defend your son's behaviour to her, so really, don't even try, as it would only make things worse. Your own behaviour, too - you should have made contact with her long, long before now.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2017 22:34

Your sons behaviour is shit, he is the father of this child and does not pick and choose when to be a father because it doesn't suit him. The child's mother must be devastated at being left alone with the baby, whilst he buggers off. I most certainly would contact her, offer my support and ask if it's possible to be in the babies life. Ignore your wasteral ds, he list all credibility when he buggered off leaving his child without a father.

mygorgeousmilo · 08/11/2017 22:35

How can you allow him to live under your roof, knowing that he’s ditched his baby?! Also you say that he’s a good dad because he has his three kids x3 nights a week. He had them at your house doesn’t he? Do you think he’d be such a good dad if you didn’t facilitate them?

user1468353179 · 08/11/2017 22:35

No way, that child is your grandchild. Just because your son doesn't want to acknowledge him is no excuse. No child asks to be born.

bigfatbumfreak · 08/11/2017 22:37

I have thought about this as I have adult children. Im sorry but unless the Mother of the child themselves did not want contact I would have contact, in-fact I would do what I could to help.

If it was down to my son walking away, I would tell him never to darken my door again, I did not raise my children to do shit like that.

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