To respect my sons wishes and not acknowledging grandchild?

[Orangeflow]

Hi everybody.

I have NC for this but would like some perspective please!

My son announced back around March that the lady he’d been seeing was pregnant with his baby. By this point the pregnancy was quite far along and he said he’d made it clear to her he wanted no involvement and wanted us to do the same. I don’t know if I’ve made the right decision by sticking by him?

He has two children with his previous partner but definitely did not want this one. He has known the lady for many years. They are both 27. I feel like I should contact her but I don’t know whether that would be a good idea.

He said he didn’t want any more children but this was an accident. He’s depressed and struggling although he works. The baby must be at least a couple of months old by now.

Thanks for reading

If he didn’t want any more children he should have been more careful or kept it in his trousers. I couldn’t and wouldn’t support him in turning his back on a child - if you want to contact the mother then you should feel able to do that, he has no right to say who you can and can’t be in touch with. As for him, he needs to be more accountable for his actions. Accidents happen and leaving the mother to take sole responsibility of their child is pretty poor. I hope he is at least taking some financial responsibility.

There is a double standard at play in situations like this.

You can't force someone to be a parent, male or female. Women put their babies up for adoption every day.
The essential reason boils down to having had a child that you aren't in a position to raise/nurture/love/dedicate your life to at that time.
Does anyone say to mothers giving up their babies, "You can't!! You must raise this child and support it for life...you opened your legs, now stop being feckless and do your job"?

No, birth mothers who don't want/can't raise the pregnancy they decided to continue to term are generally supported in their termination of parental rights and responsibilities, and treated with compassion and empathy.

He didn't want a baby, and said from the get go that he didn't want to be a father. The mother knew this throughout the pregnancy.
I do agree that he has a financial obligation to his offspring now they're here, and with luck he'll make sure that he fulfils this.

But you can't force people to be parents, male or female- hence why we have an adoption service.
The same must apply with men too- you can't force an unwilling party to parent a child they didn't want to have.

If he is so scared of the ex stopping him having or seeing the kids then he should formalise it through the courts. He is prepared to step up for a child that is not his biologically but not for one that is.

You are the child's grandmother. That is why it is something to do with you. If he doesn't like it he can lump it especially as you are housing him and the other grandchildren when they stay over. I hope he is paying rent to you.

If I were you ( which I wouldn't because I would have ignored my son from the outset and ensured that the mother of the child was aware from the outset that I was there for her and wanted to take on a loving grandmother role with my grandchild) I would do everything I could possible to reach out to the child's mother, explain that you were torn between "obeying" your son's wishes and that you want to apologise and help her and have a relationship with your grandchild.

However after all this time be prepared for her to tell you to do one!

So, which one is it?! Either they both have a choice, or neither do

It is curious how in the one area where the reason behind the biological difference between men and women comes into play, some people on this thread are demanding equality.

How on earth can there be equality when for one party her body swells up and after nine months a tiny creature is born that will totally depend on her, possibly leaving her with health problems as a result, while for the other, it was just another shag.

What is equal is the need that that child has for the support and love of both parents.

Seriously, you are comparing carrying and giving birth to a child as the same as walking away with no responsibility whatsoever & no operations or changes to your body.

Bloody hell. You are right. There are double standards.

That was to Codeine

Do contact the mother op. My lovely former boss had similar and was absolutely furious with his son who didn't even have the guts to tell his dad who found out when out for a quiet drink and was approached by a family member of the girl concerned.

A few days later he went round, knocked on her door, introduced himself and offered all the help and support he could. I see the pram he bought for the baby outside his home regularly and they have a relationship. He is more a man than his son will ever be.

you can't force an unwilling party to parent a child they didn't want to have

They can (quite rightly) be forced to contribute financially, but it's true that they can't be forced into involvement in the child's life

And while not ideal, I'm not convinced this is always a bad thing. There are worse fates than never really knowing a parent, and one of them could be absorbing values from the sort of father who wants nothing to do with them

I am that woman, the father of my DD didn't want anything to do with us and I have never seen him again, even though we were friends for years before. His whole family know and none of them are willing to be in her life. He now pays maintenance but after a struggle and thanks to a court order.
Don't be this grandma, you may well regret it and to your DGC you will be another person who didn't want them.

I couldn't do it. That child has done nothing wrong. Your son is behaving like a child, I don't want to so I won't. He should have thought about that before shagging her then.

Men (and women) who walk away from and pretend there own kids don't exist are less than scum. But to encourage his family to do the same. I'd be ashamed op! Utterly disgraced. Poor child.

If he is so scared of the ex stopping him having or seeing the kids then he should formalise it through the courts.

Even if he goes through the courts, if the mother doesn't then let him see the child he is stuck. You cannot get the police over every time there is a parental change over and it gets expensive to keep going back to the courts. A few women do use this as a way to blackmail fathers who do want to see their children.

No you have not made the right decision. My useless brother abandoned his son. My DM went along with it. She'd jump out of a window if DB told her to, I'm sure. My nephew is now 26, and a father himself. So my DB is now a grand father. He regrets what he has done. He & son seem to be building bridges. But, my DM? As a great-gran she is missing out. My nephew doesn't know her really, even though she's his Gran. He's not that bothered about his son knowing her either, I can see that.

If you don't mind possibility of that happening to you then go ahead, stand by your son. Just recognise that time changes a lot of things and standing by someone else may leave you out in the cold.

My DB deserves to be left out in the cold but he's not, is he? As a father there was always the chance he and his son would aim to re-bond. Not so for you.

I know another woman who faced this situation and she was not having it. She bypassed her son and stood by her grandson/grandson's mother. I respect her so much for doing that, and deep down don't respect my own mother for going along with DB.

DB has 2 children btw, he abandoned both. You may find your son brings this situation to your life again. Callous people don't change.

Oh...and my DB says he is depressed too. He's been saying that for years get out clause . Not too depressed to have sex though. Unprotected sex, at that.