SIL won't see my baby.

(769 Posts)
Littlejayx Sun 05-Nov-17 19:44:53

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP’s posts: |
OuchBollocks Sun 05-Nov-17 19:46:53

I wouldn't go. I appreciate that infertility is hard, I've been there, but she has a fucking cheek excluding your brothers own niece from his birthday whilst inviting her own.

Crunchymum Sun 05-Nov-17 19:48:23

No kids is one thing? Just not your kid is another thing and you need to speak up.

Miloarmadillo1 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:48:54

I can understand why having babies around would be tough for SIL, but why does that not also apply to her side of the family? If it's a 'no children' event fair enough, but it does sound like your daughter is being unfairly singled out.

Laceup Sun 05-Nov-17 19:49:10

That's fucking batshit crazy....yr dh needs to have yr back

Outnotdown Sun 05-Nov-17 19:49:24

Yanbu, she is being nasty and your brother should stand up for you. I certainly wouldn't attend and I would be very clear about why not

Wineandworkout Sun 05-Nov-17 19:49:34

Why are the children from her side invited, but not your daughter? I would, like you, be very hurt. The 'it's hard for her' explanation doesn't stack up if she's fine with kids from her side of the family. I would decline the invitation and make it clear to your brother why - perhaps he can talk to her and help resolve things.


sparechange Sun 05-Nov-17 19:50:31

Is there more to this?
Any chance she could have been pregnant around the same time as you and had a MC, and that’s why your child in particular is too painful for her to spend time with?

Orangealien Sun 05-Nov-17 19:52:03

She's being mean not to have your 4 month old there if she lets various younger and older kids from her side there.

Be careful though. She sounds like she doesn't like you, regardless of TTC struggles. She could be trying to isolate you from your brother so in your position, I would definitely go. Have you got a dh/dp who could sit in the car with your dd for half and hour so you could show your face and wish your brother a happy birthday even if quickly. Please don't let her do this to you - she will forever poke at him saying "your sister didn't come to your 40th, she clearly doesn't like/respect you". Even though she forced that situation.

I have every sympathy for people going through fertility troubles and think generally their requests should be accommodated. But she clearly hates you as it's only you that can't bring baby.

MsPassepartout Sun 05-Nov-17 19:52:20

I’d be finding it difficult not to take this personally.

No children or no babies at all I could understand. But banning your 4 month old baby and inviting other children, including a younger baby? How are you supposed to not take that personally?

midnightmisssuki Sun 05-Nov-17 19:52:55

I would be furious my daughter was singled out like that. Infertility is horrendous, but singling out just your child is vile. Have a word with your brother.

Fitzsimmons Sun 05-Nov-17 19:52:57

You need to go back to your brother and tell him how much this hurts you? Ask him how long does he honestly think this exclusion can go on? Will she still be excluding your daughter when she is one year, two years old etc? She is being very unreasonable, especially as it is one rule for you and another rule for her family. Tell your brother that unless DD can attend that you won't be attending.

Pengggwn Sun 05-Nov-17 19:54:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shiela2017 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:55:25

Give her a break. It will be truly horrific for her to see your baby, you really will never understand how awful tis feels. You've got your lovely baby. Get a babysitter and try to have some empathy x

Deemail Sun 05-Nov-17 19:56:33

What's your brother got to say about this? Surely he won't allow his only niece not to be invited when all his wife's nieces and nephews attend.

Aderyn17 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:56:54

Can your parents step in?
I think the time has come for your brother to tell his wife that this isn't on. I would be telling my brother that this has to stop, before your dd reaches an age where she notices.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:57:32

Bloody hell she shouldn’t be projecting her own issues onto a four year old baby!

If there was no children invited then I’d go a bit easier on her but wtf is going to happen when you have another child?

If they don’t conceive is your children going to be excluded from her life??

Osolea Sun 05-Nov-17 19:57:38

If it were a celebration for her birthday then she might, if were being generous, have a leg to stand on, but as the celebration is for your brother then she's being very unfair to him, as well as you and your child. If your brother makes the effort with his niece then it's likely that he would want her to be there for the child friendly parts of his celebration.

In your position, I think I'd not say anything and then just take the baby with you on the day. What's she actually going to do about it? If she's already avoiding you, you have nothing to lose, and if she says anything then she'll only make herself look bad. She deserves some understanding, but she doesn't have the right to go that far.

NannyOggsKnickers Sun 05-Nov-17 19:58:17

The things is- not all who struggle to conceive behave like this. A friend of mine struggled for three years. But she spoke to me all through my pregnancy. Really wanted to know about everything (despite me being careful not to mention things). She could be sad for herself but happy for me.

What I am trying to say is that she is being immensely unfair and selfish. It is ok to feel jealous and angry. It is not ok to take that jealousy and anger out on others to their detriment.

BUT calling her out in it is not going to go well. Make alternate plans with your brother and when people ask why you weren’t there just explain that your child had been excluded and you didn’t feel comfortable with it. You can let her erase your baby from the wider family to suit her needs.

Shiela2017 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:58:37

Small babies are very upsetting to see when a person is having fertility issues, especially if its a younger relation/friend who has had the child. Your SIL will not be able to enjoy her husbands birthday if there is a little baby thier, it will be too heartbreaking for her. You can be without the baby for one night x

Littlejayx Sun 05-Nov-17 19:58:40

The big part of this weekend will be his surprise birthday so it's unfortunate I cannot mention this to him until after wards.

We were very very good friends before this, we used to go out for meal and drinks just us before I fell pregnant. I feel sorry for my daughter as she really smiles and giggles away at my brother. She does look rather like him as we look very alike outselves which must be hard.

They are the only family that live within a 3 hour drive from us and used to be around all the time.

My brother doesn't really understand emotions well. He has often just blanked out at times that are hard.

OP’s posts: |
Shiela2017 Sun 05-Nov-17 19:59:40

NannyOggsKnickers You'll never understand how awful it is for some people so try not to judge x

Littlejayx Sun 05-Nov-17 20:00:17

Also my baby is ebf so I cannot go for long without feeding her and haven't expressed yet. So if I wanted to go I would have to pop in and leave her with my partner in the car.

OP’s posts: |
Marnie182 Sun 05-Nov-17 20:00:22

She sounds spiteful op.
Considering there's other children and babies going, I would be inclined to still go AND bring my baby.
Fuck her.
She shouldn't cause a seen, she would look batshit crazy and definitely unreasonable.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain Sun 05-Nov-17 20:00:42

I can understand if there were no kids invited as it is so very hard, maybe she finds your baby harder to deal with as presumably when they started ttc she was sure she would give the first grandchild to your side of the family (there were already some her side). I wouldn’t take it personally although know it’s hard I’ve been in both sides of this. Is there a way that your brother can go alone?

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