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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
Mamabear4180 · 05/11/2017 20:11

It's not up to your SIL if you take your baby to your brother's birthday party.

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:12

I would just like to say, I recently lost a baby and still organised a baby shower for a work collegue - I even made a cake! But I was inwardly deverstated x

ApplesTheHare · 05/11/2017 20:12

This is SO hard. None of us know what SIL is going through or has gone through. I've very recently had a MMC and would seriously struggle to see a baby that looked like my DH. Other babies not so much... OP can you just have a chat with her seeing as you were obviously friends at one point?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:12

I would take the baby round to her house before hand to meet her. It might be a bit upsetting for her but she will get over it after seeing the baby

I think this is very optimistic, given what OP describes. It's much more likely that SIL will be furious that she was put in this position.

Esspee · 05/11/2017 20:13

You need to go and take your baby. Your SiL is behaving atrociously and this is for your brother, not her.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/11/2017 20:13

I think you need to phone her and ask her why you cannot bring your baby. I understand that infertility is horribly painful, but she seems to be making this personal.

Hobbes39 · 05/11/2017 20:13

I think it’s also quite possible that your SIL lost a pregnancy that would have been the same age as your baby. I’ve been there and seeing a child exactly the same age as yours should have been is particularly hard. At the time (not long after baby should have been born) I found it very hard seeing a friend’s baby that was the same age, but one 2 months younger - that was oddly easier - so give her a little bit of slack. I don’t however think she’s being reasonable, despite the above - there are situations you just have to grin and bear. I do think you would be cruel to just turn up with your DD, so f you can express and get baby sitter this time I would. Then try to talk to her about it so it doesn’t keep happening?

Viviennemary · 05/11/2017 20:13

I was going to sympathise with your sil but seems like yours is the only baby she is objecting to. And in that case it is mean of her. Somebody needs to tell her she is completely out of order. Sounds like she is very resentful of you and your baby and this is really a very unhealthy attitude. Somebody should have a word with her. Excluding your DD from family events at the age of 4 months is downright mean.

toolonglurking · 05/11/2017 20:13

An impossible situation, I'd not go to the party and explain exactly why to your brother afterwards. Maybe arrange to do something really nice with him (if you are feeling charitable you could invite SIL, safe in the knowledge she won't come) on a later date to celebrate his birthday?
As tempting as it would be to kick off, this woman is likely to be your SIL for a while, so maybe do what you can to be civil for the sake of the future?

iamyourequal · 05/11/2017 20:13

OP yanbu. I would do as others have suggested go, with your partner and DD. SIL is hardly going to chuck you out on the night and surely your DB would want you there. I was really hurt to have to decline an invitation to my cousin's wedding because no children were allowed. I was breastfeeding my DS at the time and the wedding was in a different country so no option at all regarding childcare. It transpired all my cousin's new bride's family were there, including children and babies. You should just go!

ApplesTheHare · 05/11/2017 20:14

To those saying 'Just turn up with the baby' this is the most passive aggressive advice I've ever seen on MNConfused

MajesticWhine · 05/11/2017 20:14

I would be tempted to go, bring your baby, and book a babysitter to be with you to look after DD away from the party. Expensive, but means you can take part in the celebrations and carry on feeding your DD. Also makes it very obvious to every one how blatantly your DD is being excluded. SILs position is unworkable. She is feeling pain but that doesn’t trump everything else.

dissapointedafternoon · 05/11/2017 20:14

Nanny care. It will change your life.
Get baby off of Cows Milk Formula

LilQueenie · 05/11/2017 20:15

I had similar feelings before able to have DD. I could not be in the same room as any child under a year because they were in the baby stage and it was so hard. This is why I think your sil is being completely ufair because she can have a 1 month old around but not your 4 month old. Is it possible this is an excuse to have a go at you? I cant fathom why she can't see your DD.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 05/11/2017 20:16

Because it's a surprise party and you can't talk to your brother in advance, I'd just go with DD and your DH. You don't need to stay all night, if you genuinely are concerned that DD's presence will upset SIL. I do wonder if you don't go, you will regret it.

There are other babies and children going, so not an adult only party.

I wouldn't normally propose going against the invite but you can't spoil the surprise, it's your brother's 40th birthday and it's SIL doing the inviting.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/11/2017 20:16

Just out of curiosity, who issued the invitation to you? I'm assuming SiL didn't call and personally tell you not to bring your DD. It's a surprise for DB, so he didn't. If it was your parents what is their feelings about excluding their DGD?

I disagree with posters saying to just show up with DD. If I were OP I'd decline the invitation and when my brother asked me why I wasn't there, I'd explain that his wife didn't want my child there, despite asking her nieces/nephews from her side.

I have a feeling it's more about wanting 'her family' to have a bigger place in their lives than your family.

JumpingJellybeanz · 05/11/2017 20:16

Infertility is heartbreaking. I know as it took me 7 years to conceive. But punishing an innocent baby by trying to push them out of their family and exclude them is evil. Sorry but if this were my baby I wouldn't be going and I'd tell anyone who asked exactly why.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:17

I was wondering - are you yourself very young? Again, that would in no way justify her behaviour, but I was wondering if she feels like your pregnancy is somehow less 'fair' than, say, her older siblings. Or was yours very obviously unplanned?

Hollyhop17 · 05/11/2017 20:18

Another one who thinks you should just go and take your dd. She cant pick and choose which babies she is ok with. Madness.

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:19

Having recently lost a baby myself - call her, take the baby round to meet her just the three of you before the party. Please dont turn up to her husbands birthday with the baby until shes met it. X

UnderCaffeinated · 05/11/2017 20:19

I don't think you're being unreasonable! Since she has invited babies from her side of the family, it would be completely and utterly wrong for her to exclude you and your child who is your parents only grandchild and her husband's obviously very much loved niece given that he comes to see her as much as possible.

I'm struggling to conceive after a loss 18 months ago, but my sadness doesn't overshadow the joy of others, your daughter is a much loved member of your family and your SIL has no right to exclude only her from a milestone birthday, what do your parents think of the situation?

MissEliza · 05/11/2017 20:20

No one knows what’s in the SIL’s mind. Perhaps she doesn’t like the Op anyway or perhaps she wanted to be the one that had the first grandchild on that side of the family. It’s unacceptable that the OP’s dd is the only child excluded. I wouldn’t go to the party at all.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/11/2017 20:20

@sheila, I am very sorry for your loss Flowers and your argument would be valid if it wasn't for the fact that SIL is inviting her nieces and nephews including a one month old baby from get side of the family,

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:21

I really think if she turns up with DD having been told it'll upset SIL she'll never see her -and possibly even her brother - again. Everyone's assuming she won't say anything in public - she might, and if she gets very visibly upset and makes it clear that that you were specifically asked not to bring her then that's going to be a very uncomfortable situation for everyone. It will also absolutely ruin your brother's birthday.

Lindy2 · 05/11/2017 20:21

We struggled for years eith infertility. It was very hard and emotional.
However, I don't agree with excluding your baby at all. Does she propose to never see her niece? I don't think there is a magic age where seeing children is less emotional than at another age.