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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:37

your SIL needs to get a bloody grip...

Ah, this must be the famous empathy that only motherhood brings.

I think it's possible to acknowledge that SIL is not acting fairly or reasonably without vilifying her or dismissing the very real pain she is in as insignificant

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:38

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Gemini69 · 05/11/2017 20:38

my empathy lies with the Baby that's not allowed to attend a birthday party ...with everyone else Flowers

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/11/2017 20:40

your SIL needs to get a bloody grip... the world is still turning.. the moon still rises.. the sun still sets

What a great way to talk about someone who has fertility problems.

I could have saved myself years of heartache and depression if I'd been told to 'get a bloody grip' hey Hmm

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:40

Gemini69 the baby is four months old, it doesnt even know where it's nose is let alone that its uncle is turning 40 😂

Ginglealltheway · 05/11/2017 20:41

Shiela, that's a bloody awful thing to say and not one person on this post has demonstrated that.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2017 20:41

I was talking to the OP... not the SIL... the OP has asked for advise... not the SIL... my interest in the SIL is zero... the Thread is about the Baby attending a birthday Party.... Flowers

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/11/2017 20:42

my empathy lies with the Baby that's not allowed to attend a birthday party

That at 4 months will have absolutely no idea about.

HTH

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:42

Ginglealltheway But it's completely true! The baby does not care about the party!

Carebear1357 · 05/11/2017 20:42

I vote also for going with your baby and if she mentions it say you thought it didn't apply to you because her niece is going. Act ignorant basically. if she pushes it, then have it out with her. It's not on that she's destroying your relationship with your brother.

MamaOfTwos · 05/11/2017 20:43

Go and take your DD. Enjoy it and SIL will have to suck it up. Infertility is awful, but doesn't give you license to be a cunt

Standingcat · 05/11/2017 20:43

Could it be that she had a pregnancy loss where the EDD would have been around the time as your DD?

Have a quiet chat with your DB, your SIL will need to interact with your DD at some point and some insight into the reason behind her behaviour might be useful

Ooohlalalala · 05/11/2017 20:44

Let it go. She has major issues and you have a beautiful baby. Have some compassion and don't think of yourself.

MargaretCavendish · 05/11/2017 20:44

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Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:44

Gosh mothers have so much empathy

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:45

Go and take your DD. Enjoy it and SIL will have to suck it up

At her husband's party, that she's organised?

Original poster
Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 20:45

I do completely understand the situation she's in and it is heart breaking for her. Being the youngest and her expecting to conceive first. I am in my early 20's and the baby wasn't planned so again must be hard for her.

Again I cannot get a baby sitter as she is breast fed and I haven't left her with anyone but my partner yet.

I am going to do as many of you have said and pop in for half a hour or so and explain to my brother that the baby is in the car with my partner and we have to get going. I don't want to cause any drama because that isn't fair on anybody.

OP posts:
Ginglealltheway · 05/11/2017 20:45

No Shiela, inferring that some comments on this post equate to the posters revealling in others infertility Hmm

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 05/11/2017 20:46

She's being unreasonable it's his birthday and his niece who he regularly sees. I'd go and take your dd. She can't exclude her from family events forever.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:47

That sounds like the best solution, OP - and you're being much more mature and empathetic about it than most of the people commenting. I think you are going to have to have a honest conversation about it, but deliberately upsetting your SIL at a party she's organised isn't the best way to facilitate that.

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:47

Littlejayx why not text her and ask if she wants to meet for coffee before hand? Tell her you know how hard it must be for her but you miss her? Xxx

MyHandsAreHighMyFeetAreLow · 05/11/2017 20:47

The baby is 4mo, it doesn't give a squidy shite whether it's at a birthday party, at home, or at Buckingham flipping Palace.

I agree that if this continues then it'll damage the future relationship and that it is hurtful to the OP for the baby to be excluded but there is nothing to indicate that the SIL is acting out of malice or spite. To me it reads like she's acting this way from a place of great sadness. She needs understanding, support, and kindness not passive aggressive tactics like "tell her you're a unit" or "write her a note saying the baby is EBF and can't be left" or the ever helpful "just show up with the baby regardless". All scenarios guaranteed to antagonise what is already a difficult situation and turn it into an argument when there's no need for it to become an argument.

A calm, rational discussion is the best way forward. Acknowledge that you understand she's hurting, that it really isn't fair that she's struggling with infertility, and that you really wish things would work out for her. Ask why your DD is excluded and explain that you want them to have a relationship and be part of a wider family unit, that it feel hurtful to be left out, and find a way forward.

seven201 · 05/11/2017 20:47

I think I’d go along with dh and dd in the car so I could pop in and out to feed. Just so you’ve shown your face for a bit. Afterwards explain to your db and say that you really hope in future SIL can accept her niece into her/their lives. It’s nuts that she’s allowing her family’s babies to your brothers birthday but I think infertility can drive you nuts. Disregarding her wishes could cause a scene at your db’s birthday.

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:48

Ginglealltheway I don't understand what you are trying to say 😂

origamiwarrior · 05/11/2017 20:49

Good call OP.