SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

[Ginglealltheway]

[Littlejayx]

My other brother is now saying he doesn't want to go because it's not fair just to exclude one of us.

I would love the chance to speak to her about the whole thing, but the last time we spoke (at my uncles funeral) she blatantly said she doesn't want to talk to me while I'm pregnant but this may change when the baby was born.

[Gemini69]

go to the Party OP.. take your baby and breast feed her when required...

[GoodMorning1]

I have a nephew who was born the same week my baby should have been born. I would never exclude him from a family occasion.

[LilQueenie]

how much of an age difference is there? a fairly large gap I understand but a small one doesn't really mean much when there are other factors.

[Shiela2017]

Littlejayx text her, give her a chance xxx

[Shiela2017]

Gemini69 cold

[Gemini69]

aahh in that case OP... I would suggest there is something more going on here.... particularly as there are other babies attending

[LilQueenie]

she blatantly said she doesn't want to talk to me while I'm pregnant but this may change when the baby was born

Fertility hurts but being a total cow is a choice.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I have a nephew who was born the same week my baby should have been born. I would never exclude him from a family occasion.

Exactly the same for me (and my brother is also much younger, and it was a total oops, seriously-considered-abortion baby) - and no, I wouldn't exclude mine either. But I have the empathy to understand that everyone doesn't react exactly like me and that if she's struggling more than I do, that's lucky for me not a condemnation of her.

[Hollyhop17]

To the posters who think the OP should miss the party, where does it end? I am genuinely asking. Will OPs dd be excluded from everything that includes SIL. What amount of time needs to pass before she is being unreasonable?

I really am not being goady, it is clearly a shitty situation all round.

[Shiela2017]

Sometime people behave badly when they are hurting. Try to extend a hand of friendship to her xxx

[CotswoldStrife]

Did the SIL herself tell you that your baby was not welcome, or was this passed to you via a third party?

I think it would be easier if a third party could go back to your SIL and point out how daft an idea this is. If you are not at the party I think your brother will know why because you say that he always sees your baby alone. Or you could send your DH and he could explain to the other guests why you and DD are still at home (I would do this tbh, because reality may kick in when other guests start commenting).

The real danger is this kind of thing (the baby not being welcome/invited/you being excluded) dragging on for longer. I had this. I was deliberately left out of stuff too, not even invited without baby.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

To the posters who think the OP should miss the party, where does it end?

The problem here is it's a surprise so she can't talk to her brother. I think she should go with her decision to go briefly and without DD, but then talk to her brother afterwards so that this isn't the pattern forever more.

[Steeley113]

Normally I would be full of sympathy for someone in this situation but unfortunately you cannot exclude family from a party. She's going to have to be in the same room has her niece eventually! I would leave my DP and DD in the car and pop in. If brother asked why you had to go or why DD isn't there, I would explain they are in the car but you've been told not to bring her in because you may upset SIL. If it was my brother he'd be oblivious and be very much 'don't be silly! Bring her in'.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

For some reason its 'your baby' she has the problem with.
I mean I can understand she's bitter, but why just single out your poor child.
I wouldn't be going either. Id see it as a betrayal on my dd. If she can't even look at your little one, why should you celebrate at a party with her.
There'll just end up being a slanging match anyway. You go and see her billing and cooing over all the other children, after being told you can't bring yours. The claws and youll go into mama bear mode. You're bound to. Itd be odd if you didnt.

[Rosieandtwinkle]

I went through 8 failed rounds of IVF and yes it is very hard when everyone else seemingly falls pregnant so easily....but no one is doing it out of spite! Life goes on around you and people, quite rightly, want to start their own families so she is BVU. If you had a strong relationship with her previously could you just speak to your SIL and broach it with her? It seems that things can't get any worse so maybe worth a try?

[BluePheasant]

Has it been explicitly said that your DD is not invited? Or was her name just conveniently missed off the invitation or something like that?

I’d be inclined to just all go and say it didn’t occur to you that DD wasn’t welcome since all the other children were there. Who could argue with that?

[WeirdnessOfDoom]

SIL and OP's DB have some fertility issues. SIL claims that she doesn't want to be around OP's DD because she finds it hard so DN is not invited. SIL has invited children from her side of the family younger than her DN that she doesn't find hard to be around?

OP, go to your DB birthday for half an hour, wish him well and make sure that your side of the family ( you DB and DP) know why you were not able to attend for longer.Maybe it will help you in the future when SIL will try to exclude you from your family events on the grounds that she finds it hard to be around your DD but not the other kids in the family...

[asongforthelovers]

I would go with your baby or just not go at all, then tell your brother afterwards the reason why.

I totally understand it’s hard after a loss, struggling to conceive but doesn’t give women the right to be arseholes!

I am facing a similar situation with my sil and it has only got worse as everyone has pussyfooted around her.

Good luck op, hopefully use can get this sorted or to the bottom of this as it’s not a nice situation to be in for you, your sil or the family.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

If it was my brother he'd be oblivious and be very much 'don't be silly! Bring her in'.

He already sees his niece alone, so he's clearly neither unaware that she upsets his wife nor willing to rock the boat on this, so I really wouldn't count on this. It might actually be very upsetting for OP if it becomes obvious that he'd rather have a wife that isn't upset than have his sister at his party.

[DesertSky]

I really don’t understand how it’s fine for her own nieces and nephews (aged 1 month old upwards) to attend but not her 4 month old NIL? This makes no sense

[Ginglealltheway]

Do you know if she also couldn't talk to the mother of the one month old on her side when she was pregnant?

[DesertSky]

Plus it’s pretty outrageous as it’s YOUR brother’s birthday celebrations not hers!

[WhatwouldAryado]

If she has always avoided you then it does seem odd. Perhaps politely decline from this and future "family" get togethers. They're not family dos she has an axe to grind. Let her get on with it and invite your brother out for a nice lunch with your family.