....to send a terse note to these families? And maybe an invoice?(301 Posts)
My Daughter is 16. Her party is tomorrow....first one for 5 years. I have saved forever to do a fun and unusual activity for her "friendship group". Invites given out late July before school broke up. Reminder invites by instagram in August before deadline for paying deposit and ordering/paying for food. Directions to venue and disclaimers along with paper reminder given out at beginning of this week for invitees.
TONIGHT 3 people have told daughter they are not coming. 2 have yet to say yes or no. Out of 12 (including daughter). Minimum for activity is 10.
When, just when did people become so rude and unfeeling never mind unconscious of wasting money????????????????
I think at 16, it's pretty much up to the teenagers to sort out there social lives.
Actually sorry that's slightly unfair. YANBU, it is rude.
Did they say they were coming before you paid the deposit? If they didn't, they're rude for not responding but you were a bit silly to book.
If they RSVPed and have now changed their minds YANBU. That's shit.
When people became so entitled they became rude by default
They are very inconsiderate. I can understand how tempting it is to say something, but at 16 years old, I think you have to let them sort it out themselves (unless your daughter wants you to get involved).
I think at 16 kids make their own social decisions, the parents aren't really actively involved and yes many 16 year olds will not be thinking of the financial implications of their decisions, or possibly even discussed it properly with their parents until the last minute.
So are 16 year olds rude, sure they are. Seldom intentionally, more they are just self absorbed selfish unthinking little twats. I know because once I was one and yup, I've had one.
Yes of 12,10 had replied so I paid deposit for 10. Nice venue said if others came I could pay for them at the time.
Only involving parents as the 16 year olds don't drive and would be reliant on parents to get to the venue (for this reason I also gave a "heads up" to parents who I met over the summer)
I know 16 year olds are supposed by MN to be almost entirely independent but we are very rural and most teens would involve parents in most social activities if only as "Mum/Dad the taxi". I personally have a whole calendar for arranging transport for my lot!
Agree mum and dad are rhe taxi, I disagree that the decision on whether to go or not in the first or even the last place is the parents. That's on the kid, unless the kid wants to go and the parents can't afford it. But being a taxi is not the same as making social decisions.
but you are right.....it won't help.
Actually it amazes me the treatment adults dole out "thoughtlessly" in similar circumstances.
I feel really sorry for DD. Can't even find rent-a-crowd to make the activity happen
agirlcalledmove They are bloody rude and selfish. Is your daughter upset at them dropping out?
If comms were via the parents, VERY bad form, unless the children are ill or there is some truly unavoidable problem. If it was via kids with later involvement of parents, more understandable. 16 YO me and my mates were flaky and inconsiderate because we still had no real conception of costs, budgeting, and scruples.were still erm nascent.
Kids are all 15 except DD
All parents had to sign disclaimers so were aware.
Teens who have declined at last minute are saying parents don;t want to drive them (this may of course not be the truth!)
Does your daughter want you to contact the parents? If she is okay with it, I think I might contact them. They might not realize that you paid for it and need ten participants and when their daughters are saying they don´t want to go now they are just seeing an opportunity not to drive, not thinking through what it will mean to you and your daughter.
It's pants and a similar thing happened to my daughter but in year 9, the girls were being bitchy and doing it in purpose. Fortunately she had another group of friends from an outside of school activity and invited 4 of them, she was honest and said 4 friends have let me down so do you girls fancy coming, they did and they all had a fab time.
The minimum of 10 people will only be for the price, they won't stop the activity if less turn up.
Yes DD is very very upset (and very very conscious of the cost as we have had to budget very tightly and she has had to forgo any present in order to afford it)
I think it unfortunately demonstrates her "friendship group's" attitude to her. She is useful when people want her and dropped like a stone when they don;t. I rather suspect she wanted an activity that was "exotic" and appealing that no-one else had done to try and ensure that people did actually come.
Can you organise some form of carpool so that they can come?
Pay for 10, take 8? Will the paint balling company allow that? I know it's not ideal money wise, but could mean it will still go ahead.
Why don't you offer a lift to those who have declined as parents can't drive them, that may help?
Poor DD. Could you take part too to keep the numbers up?
so glad my teen years are far behind me!!!!!!!
Do they actually need 10, or you just have to pay for 10?
I already have a car full unfortunately so can't offer more lifts but I will text asking whether others can give lifts..............However I'm pretty sure it's not the transport that is putting the girls off!
I will pay for the 10 and take whoever turns up, do whatever I can to make it work. Unfortunately my other 2 DD are too young to make up the nos (and it would be deeply uncool for 16 year old!!) so I will need to occupy them.
My deepest fear is that the ones who have declined tonight are the polite ones and that others simply won't show
Assuming it's all girls she's invited do any of the ones who are coming have boyfriends who could come along to make the numbers up?
I'm surprised your dd chose paint balling, mines about to turn 16 and there's no way she'd be interested, her friends parties are all about girlie sleepovers, or parties involving boys and most of her friends getting drunk
Aww, I feel really sorry for her. Teenagers can be so unkind to each other. I cringe when I think of some of the things my friends and I did as teens. We were so careless of other people´s feelings.
This smacks of the teens themselves bailing out. They don't sound overly nice. I think I would quickly invite some others, teĺling truth about what happened, honestly, as a PP has said.
You imply that her friends are fickle. It won't help your poor DD now but it is a vital life lesson leaned early. The ones who stuck by their word and are still coming are the Friends worth keeping. The others are disposable. Kids will sense if someone is seeking approval and mean/immature kids can be very mean to the approval seeker if so.
I'd contact their parents not to try and get them to come but to let them know how much you have been inconvenienced/ how much your DD has sacrificed to have this party. If they are being flaky they will be ashamed. If their kids are being kids perhaps they will have a word with their kids about the importance of keeping commitments.
My deepest fear is that the ones who have declined tonight are the polite ones and that others simply won't show
If you genuinely think this might happen cancel it, you'll lose your deposit but that's money spent anyway, and arrange for the couple of people who were going to come to do something else. Movies? Sleepover? Getting nails done?
If you cancel it she can save face before having barely anyone turn up by saying that it needed a minimum of 10.
That should read "if their kids are being flaky" not "kids are being kids"
Alternative girls group into edgy art, outdoor pursuits (climbing, kayaking, open swimming), underground music and puritanical about smoking, drinking etc. No current boyfriends apparently.
I admire their non-conformity if not their attitude to DD!
Am I correct in understanding you have paid deposit and food but not full price? Maybe phone the rest in the morning, lastminutedotcom to check if they are really coming. If even one more flakes then cancel it and arrange something else as MrsJames suggests. Will the food be catered there or can you get hold of it and rearrange your day around it?
Sometimes I really hate girls. There was a tea party at a friend's today and DD was left out. 3 played together and ignored her even though she had been expressly invited with a special little note in the postbox yesterday. She came home in floods of tears. She's only 7 so the hurt was perceived as a mortal wound. My heart - more of this awaits.
I feel for you. Hope it all works out.
My daughter had an afternoon tea party when she was 16, the idea of getting all messed up paint balling would have terrified her.
Sometimes I really hate girls
That's disgusting and shame on you! Would you substitute girls for any other group? How about black people? Chinese? Or people with disabilities!😡😡😡 Lots of boys are thoughtless wee shits too, as my son who came home with a cut head today from another boy would soon tell you!
OP, I would do a ring-round in the morning, checking to see if people are coming! Make sure you phone them and not text!!!! If you have few numbers, a previous suggestion of movies and sleepover sounds great!
Can you and your DH join in as extras? Are there any aunts and uncles who might come along or other parents. I know some groups of kids would find it uncool but some wouldn't mind.
I am the girl who growing up and even now at 23, I get so much anxiety around every birthday, etc. It is so awful and painful. The other girls actually went in another room and locked me out at my 15th bday party.
You can tell your DD though, that this shit happens to a lot of lovely people and people who are good friends to others.It is not a reflection on her so much as a reflection of the group and it's dynamics. It will be a teaching moment for her in regards to consideration of others and how to show your friends you care about them. I live with my BFF now and while we don't have a large group of friends, we are happier being close with each other than getting bogged down in toxic group dynamics; and we treat each other so well. It gets better! Happy Birthday DD, someday you will hopefully be able to incorporate this story into a comedy set or something. Humor heals and personal pain often makes for the best stories later in life! I'm sure this has happened to David Mitchell at some point and look how excellent he is!
Two of my SILs were openly joking on facebook about how they never bothered to RSVP to my wedding. There were also several people who let me know the day/week before whether they were going or not, months after my cutoff to pay for catering etc. We made it easy, gave them plenty of time, and included postage on the card and everything. They literally only had to tick a box and drop it in the post.
Showed up though, didn't they? People have absolutely no respect for others' time, effort, or money these days, it seems. I don't know if they assume you know they're going, or not going, or if they don't care, or what. Frustrating, I haven't ever found any way to get people to start caring.
My first foray into MN was a post about how my DD had a party at home and only one person turned up!! We had invited about 8 and had 6 confirmations, if I remember correctly.
I think confirm with the yeses, and proceed as appropriate from there, even if it does mean cancelling and losing the deposit!
I feel your pain. I had a similar issue with ds but he was in primary at the time.
Both the parents and the children couldn't give a shit about the effect it had on ds or the financial cost of it.
And yes what it said loud and clear was that these people were not friends.
I'm forever thankful that ds started to make other friends after that.
And YY about losing the deposit and using the money to do something nice with the friends that DO come.
You are all stars.
I will salvage what I can.
In the vein of teens sorting out their own social life I don't have contacts for those who have not replied or have declined but will check with those I do have.
DD won't contact anyone any more as she has spent the week confirming and sorting out and is I think terrified of appearing over needy now.
I am a LP with no other family around so no rent a mob. Due to our past history I am a bit socially isolated (escaped DV,relocated and work silly hours) and really feel for DD as I don't give her the example of emotional resilience and social dexterity that I would like to. Also church mouse poor (but happy!).
I think a move for 6th form is on the cards although her school is excellent. She needs to escape these toxic "friends" who do her self esteem no good.
to the PP who was locked in a room...my sympathies this also happened to one of my DDs at a party and the "friends" then used all her things including makeup etc.
Life is not easy for many children I guess.
I am kind of shocked that people think a girl should only be interested in 'girly' things like pamper parties and sleepovers.
Why shouldnt girls like paintballing or similar active things?
At 16 a 'tea party' would have been my idea of hell! (still is) running around with a gun shooting people would have been much better fun
Really shitty behaviour from kids and parents. Hope you told them when they bailed that the night before an event is a bit late and its cost you a lot to organise this and they have let DD down big time.
I feel really sad for your daughter, when she should be eagerly anticipating the event and not having anxiety as to whether these girls will show up. I wish her and you all the very best and I sincerely hope the day turns out well in the end. Please come back and let us know xx
Oh I do so feel for your daughter. TBH I'd cancel now and use any money left to buy her something she wants so she doesn't end up with no one coming to her birthday treat and no present either. I don't blame you for saying 'this or a present' but the other girls for being so flakey.
If your DD is not already involved in groups outside of her school/friendship circle can I suggest she looks into them, guiding or scouting might work for her with their senior sections. I don't know how old she has to be to do DofE but they would allow her to find friends with similar interests in the outdoor pursuits capacity.
I planned, organised and invited friends, or rather people i thought were friends, to my 18th Birthday. Since then I've rather sworn off being the centre of attention so much. I had to cancel as everyone bar my very best friend slowly dropped out. Instead we went out and had a blood good time.
What a bunch of wankers.
If more drop out tomorrow, take the ones who go and explain to the people running it you need to do a smaller game.
Harsh lessons aren't they?
I guess when the "right" friends come into our lives then we appreciate them all the more.
Unfortunately in all the cases similar to this that I've known about, it has always been girls behaving like this, never groups of boys. I hope that this isn't the norm.
Your poor DD, I hope the remaining friends turn up tomorrow and she has a great time. I remember at Uni one of my Malaysian friends organised a dinner party, where she would be cooking for us all (group of about 10). In the week leading up to it, everybody dropped out except me, and they were all a bit shocked that I was still going. It made me really sad as the host had gone to so much trouble and it was an amazing meal
Ps before I'm accused of racism/mentioning that she was Malaysian - she was planning to cook traditional Malaysian food as bond of us had tried it before and all mentioned we would like to try it
Please don't mention the cost of it, or the budgeting etc to your DD again, she will feel bad enough already.
I hope plenty turn up tomorrow
Sounds about right when they say their parents don't want to drive them. We live rurally too, and hardly any of dd's friends have parents who can be bothered to drive their dc's to events/parties or get-togethers. DH and I have usually ended up being the default ones doing the ferrying and it is really frustrating at times. At least it isn't so bad now some of her friends drive, and they can also walk (a long hike) to the station.
Are you sure this is because of a bad attitude towards your daughter? I only say that because the weather is absolutely shite at the moment and everybody seems to be under the weather with school going back.
If people had just the slightest sniffle going out and spending the day getting soaked and tramping round in the mud would be a big no no because it would make you much worse.
But surely if it were the weather, they would be honest and say that was the reason? but given they would be getting pelted by paintballs, what difference does a bit of mud and getting wet make?
Ye, she will appreciate good friends when she finds them. But at 16 she isn't ready for that lesson.
And I agree that it is women and girls who get malicious and bitchy like this. They can be plain nasty and manipulative, devious behind another person's back. Boys and men, in my experience, tend to have it out there and then either as fifty cuffs or they have words and its done with.
no the money is spent and not an issue now.
We only discussed it at the beginning before booking. She does not know what it cost only that i would have to save and budget and that a big party would have to take the place of a big present....of course I have bought her a few little things to open tomorrow as have her dds and db.
Unfortunately she is more aware of money than I would like her to be as our circumstances are obvious (inside the house anyway!)
so sad all these other stories. thank you for sharing it makes it seem a bit less personal as you are clearly all lovely, caring and well rounded women (unless anyone isn't a woman in which case caring well rounded someone else!)
I've recently organised a wedding and a baptism, can confirm adults are just as rude with regard to rsvp ing.
Do it with those who turn up I'm sure if it's delta force that won't be a problem. And those that didn't come will feel they've missed out on Monday!
I spent time with girls like this (not your daughter, the others) and found it utterly exhausting. So I made the decision to drop them. My new friends were definitely not the "in" gang but they all had hearts of gold.
It's likely one or two ring leaders and the rest find it hard to resist.
I think it's very likely the activity that is putting them off. DD went paintballing once and she said never ever again. She found it very painful and not at all fun.
Also at 16 I would have been all over a paintballing party. Hopefully your DD still gets to do it and works out some frustrations!
YANBU Such inconsiderate people. Your poor dd. I think you are right that it's the girls who are backing out. If you fear that even the "yes's" wouldn't show, you should cancel the party. The stigma of having a sweet 16 and no one showing up will be hard to live down. Horrible girls. Yes, dd should dump them after this.
Willow2017 Thank you- so glad someone else said what I was thinking as I was starting to think I was in another dimension or something!
If a girl wants an active fun party we should be encouraging that, not expressing surprise that she doesn't want to get her nails done like a good little girl
To everyone saying in their experience it has been girls....in MY experience it was boys! And men who bullied me so insidiously out of my career!! My best friend almost committed suicide because a group of men bullied her!
Don't slide into lazy sexism with anecdotes. We ALL have stories to tell that fits our confirmation bias.
And sadly OP, I do concur that perhaps paint balling is putting the girls off. I know I wouldn't have liked it. They might be afraid to hurt your daughter's feelings so have left it until now. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that they are thoughtless and mean (the whole girl thing that people seem to think makes them that way....)
Women do this more because we are socialized (NOT because women and men are different from birth in this regard) into being much more emotionally complex (therefore better manipulators of feelings/situations/groups) than boys at that age.
It's not a bad thing, it makes us more mature and better able to navigate life socially later (why so many mom's are great facilitators of their family life, etc.), but I think when we are younger we are navigating these relationships with emotional intelligence but a lack of ethics of life understanding that comes with age; and in a school, especially rural (I grew up on an island so I get this), the social groups are so small everything is really artificial and there is no escape from certain dynamics and social pressures.
It's gonna happen when she starts dating too, fucking adult assholes just stand you up now and then text later to reschedule. You don't want relationships with people who can't even send a text or make a phone call. And the people who can't be bothered to RSVP are soon going to discover they don't have anyone dependable in their life, because all the people who are still friends with them are people who also wouldn't think twice about standing someone up.
My younger sister has this regularly, her birthday is at the end of July so school has usually broken up and some are on holiday
or can't be arsed? which means she has to plan months in advance for anything for her birthday. On more than one occasion she has ended up with not even one person at her party. Kids are awful and don't think about the consequences, but you would think parents might..
Men bully, but differently. In my experience, the male bullying I have experienced has been talking over me, ignoring me, treating me like a servant to make themselves look cooler in front of friends, showing naked photos. They aren't any better, just tend to achieve bullying in different ways, girls ostracize a lot more, guys tend to make you feel like lesser in a group; in my experience!
lastgirlontheleft, It's always been paintballing, if they are cancelling now because they didn't like Paintball, they are being thoughtless and mean regardless.
....the little shits are on instagram planning a camping trip with....wait for it..........."a really cool nerf gun fight"
apparently parents are willing and able to transport twice the distance!
They have either forgotten or don't care that DD is in the group chat.
Obvs I have turned off the phone now and told her they are not worth noticing anymore. This year is going to be hard to turn round isn't it?
thats horrible of them.
At least now your dd knows who her actual friends are, these lot certainly arent.
Hope you and she have a lovely time tomorrow whatever you do, they are not worth a moment of her time wasted on them.
and btw paintballing is really not the issue, in this group you could not invite them to a nail bar/tea party/hairdressers as a birthday treat (DD3 on the other hand would set up camp in these places as would her friends) they are absolutely the dofe/ outdoor pursiits/ practical/ alternative girls.
On paper DD should be in her element...but clearly not. I dont think she wants to reinvent herself to be "typically girly" whatever that is and she certainly shouldn't be made to feel that her choices are somehow not right for girls!
Total bitches, is it all of the invited ones or is the party salvageable?
What a crap start of the year for her.
Those girls are absolute dicks. I think your DD should let a group chat of confirmed attendees know paint balling is off due to weather reports and that the new plan is to go bowling or something indoors and low key instead. Ask them to confirm if coming and if they don't confirm a yes, presume they're not. Give those who confirm the location and not the ones who don't reply. So you know who's coming and aren't sat waiting to see if some of the non confirmed show or not.
It's shit and a real way to learn who her real friends are. But I'd caution you not to make a massive deal out of this: let your dd feel her feelings but maybe frame is as 'good life lesson about how flaky people can be' and focus on how the people who do attend are her actual friends worth spending time and effort on. It doesn't need making into a bigger more painful drama as everyone has had something similar happen at some point, certainly nothing that is gonna ruin the rest of her month let alone year! Take her lead but model shrugging off those who don't care about you, which is a healthy approach.
I hope she has a lovely birthday!
If pressed further dd can simply say it was a risk to book paint balling in September and that it got a bit out of hand anyway with too many attendees and she'd rather be spending time with her close friends than a massive group. She can easily save face that way!
I'm so sorry your dd has (presumably) started 6th form type education with a bunch of girls who just don't want to know. Is there any scope at all for extending her friendship elsewhere so she can ditch this lot?
Oh and I hope their tents get flooded and washed away on their camping trip
and they lose all their nerf bullets and get shot in the back by paint ballers
Hope they find out the hard way that sometimes nerf bullets hurt like hell muhhahaha.
Hot...three men ganged up to ostracize me!! I just think it is a huge mistake to generalise.
weather set very fine here for the weekend but we can hope for a freak wind/thunderbolt/flash flood for the campers.
Party is 9am tomorrow and we will paintball with whoever turns up as it's too late to organise and sort out something different (anyway dd wanted to do this so I think we should make it happen.
DS says that if there are 4 it will work as 2 teams of 2 and as I am transporting dd and 2 friends plus my other dds that's 3 there and I think at least 1 other is ok as she is usually straightforward (and isn't chatting to the camping contingent.
They are entering Y11. I think dd will have strong feelings about moving on for 6th form. She is probably slight;y more academic and slightly less creative than the rest of the group so I think there would have been a natural parting of the ways.
I remind all my dc when things are hard that school is really a very little pool of people and it doesn't change much..out in the outside world we meet far more people and the relationships are more dynamic and require a bit more effort. they always answer..well it's ok for you mum...you don;t have to go to school anymore. Which is ,of course a valid point. And aren't I glad I don't
and as my punctuation seems to have abandoned me...I'm off to
I'll let you know how it pans out.
Thanks for letting me vent and encouraging us!
Night Move - Happy Birthday to your DD and sleep tite!!
Hope your DD has a lovely birthday whatever happens
I dont think she wants to reinvent herself to be "typically girly" whatever that is and she certainly shouldn't be made to feel that her choices are somehow not right for girls!
Of course she shouldn't. I originally said I was surprised about the paint balling as my soon to be 16 year old wouldn't be interested and I wondered if that was why the girls weren't coming to your dds party, but that is now obviously not the case.
Maybe encourage her to do more of these activities with groups away from any school friends. The fact that my dd had a sport she's totally obsessed with outside of school and friends in that sport helped her immensely when her school mates turned on her.
I really hope your daughter has a wonderful birthday too! Please let us know how it goes
So unfair of the other girls
Don't panic, I'm sure most of the others will turn up and DD will have wonderful fun at her party paint balling.
it's far too late to change anything & i wouldn't.
She's not alone, we've had this happen at parties, it makes me want to scream! Best plan is to breezily make the best of it!
Ps. The thoughtless girls will get their teenage unimpressed comeback of some kind, from your Dd's emerging close friends in the coming weeks. And a ' don't invite them/ do favours' for those specific girls plan for future.
Hope your daughter stays true to herself! No need to reinvent herself to something she's not to fit a certain mould!
I hope she has a brilliant party and that the camping trip is a wash out!
Wow, this girls are utter bitches. Please don't say the camping trip is planned for the same time as the paintballing? Even if not, then it's cruel and nasty to plan it in a chat group and not actually invite everyone in said chat group!
I hope your daughter manages to have a nice time on her birthday anyway.
It's a shame none of the confirmed attendees who are still coming have called out the camping trip in the group chat, of how they're ditching your DD's party which isn't nice.
Very happy 16th birthday to your lovely daughter, i hope you get enough people show up to make a good go of it and post lots of pics to insta to show them what they missed!
Your poor DD, I really feel for her, I hope she has a great birthday.
My DD17 is going through similar, her friendship group at college turned against her, she was left out of things arranged on snap chat and was basically sent to Coventry so she would have to spend lunch times alone. It breaks my heart to see her lonely.
It is a bit shit but I think getting ten teens to pay for this is quite an ask. Most teens have maybe four or five closeish friends and then other casual mates. Trying to get some of the casuals to commit to something that will cost them money and also will involve their parents driving them somewhere out of the way was always going to be difficult.
It's extremely rude, especially when they are aware a specific activity has been booked.
I'm always amazed about the stories I hear of people not responding to invitations. I've only ever had a few instances when inviting the whole class (soft play type parties) where a few people haven't rspv'd. That said, it's always the same few people, so their children no longer get invited. It's too much hassle trying to work out if they're coming.
If people haven't said they're not coming then I'd assume they're still coming. Paintballing is great, my mates and I would've loved that at 16!
Hope the party goes well and your dd has s lovely birthday
And what's the issue with the camping trip? Have they booked if to conflict with the paintball by?
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