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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to send a terse note to these families? And maybe an invoice?

300 replies

agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 20:33

My Daughter is 16. Her party is tomorrow....first one for 5 years. I have saved forever to do a fun and unusual activity for her "friendship group". Invites given out late July before school broke up. Reminder invites by instagram in August before deadline for paying deposit and ordering/paying for food. Directions to venue and disclaimers along with paper reminder given out at beginning of this week for invitees.

TONIGHT 3 people have told daughter they are not coming. 2 have yet to say yes or no. Out of 12 (including daughter). Minimum for activity is 10.

When, just when did people become so rude and unfeeling never mind unconscious of wasting money????????????????

OP posts:
MargaretTwatyer · 08/09/2017 22:16

Are you sure this is because of a bad attitude towards your daughter? I only say that because the weather is absolutely shite at the moment and everybody seems to be under the weather with school going back.

If people had just the slightest sniffle going out and spending the day getting soaked and tramping round in the mud would be a big no no because it would make you much worse.

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/09/2017 22:22

But surely if it were the weather, they would be honest and say that was the reason? but given they would be getting pelted by paintballs, what difference does a bit of mud and getting wet make?

Ye, she will appreciate good friends when she finds them. But at 16 she isn't ready for that lesson.

And I agree that it is women and girls who get malicious and bitchy like this. They can be plain nasty and manipulative, devious behind another person's back. Boys and men, in my experience, tend to have it out there and then either as fifty cuffs or they have words and its done with.

Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 22:32

no the money is spent and not an issue now.
We only discussed it at the beginning before booking. She does not know what it cost only that i would have to save and budget and that a big party would have to take the place of a big present....of course I have bought her a few little things to open tomorrow as have her dds and db.
Unfortunately she is more aware of money than I would like her to be as our circumstances are obvious (inside the house anyway!)

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 22:34

so sad all these other stories. thank you for sharing it makes it seem a bit less personal as you are clearly all lovely, caring and well rounded women (unless anyone isn't a woman in which case caring well rounded someone else!)

OP posts:
troodiedoo · 08/09/2017 22:39

I've recently organised a wedding and a baptism, can confirm adults are just as rude with regard to rsvp ing.

RedHelenB · 08/09/2017 22:40

Do it with those who turn up I'm sure if it's delta force that won't be a problem. And those that didn't come will feel they've missed out on Monday!

NeverTwerkNaked · 08/09/2017 22:40

I spent time with girls like this (not your daughter, the others) and found it utterly exhausting. So I made the decision to drop them. My new friends were definitely not the "in" gang but they all had hearts of gold.

It's likely one or two ring leaders and the rest find it hard to resist. Sad

notangelinajolie · 08/09/2017 22:46

I think it's very likely the activity that is putting them off. DD went paintballing once and she said never ever again. She found it very painful and not at all fun.

hotsouple · 08/09/2017 22:47

Also at 16 I would have been all over a paintballing party. Hopefully your DD still gets to do it and works out some frustrations!

misshelena · 08/09/2017 22:48

YANBU Such inconsiderate people. Your poor dd. I think you are right that it's the girls who are backing out. If you fear that even the "yes's" wouldn't show, you should cancel the party. The stigma of having a sweet 16 and no one showing up will be hard to live down. Horrible girls. Yes, dd should dump them after this.

perper · 08/09/2017 22:48

Willow2017 Thank you- so glad someone else said what I was thinking as I was starting to think I was in another dimension or something!

If a girl wants an active fun party we should be encouraging that, not expressing surprise that she doesn't want to get her nails done like a good little girl Hmm

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 08/09/2017 22:49

To everyone saying in their experience it has been girls....in MY experience it was boys! And men who bullied me so insidiously out of my career!! My best friend almost committed suicide because a group of men bullied her!

Don't slide into lazy sexism with anecdotes. We ALL have stories to tell that fits our confirmation bias.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 08/09/2017 22:52

And sadly OP, I do concur that perhaps paint balling is putting the girls off. I know I wouldn't have liked it. They might be afraid to hurt your daughter's feelings so have left it until now. I wouldn't jump to conclusions that they are thoughtless and mean (the whole girl thing that people seem to think makes them that way....)

hotsouple · 08/09/2017 22:54

Women do this more because we are socialized (NOT because women and men are different from birth in this regard) into being much more emotionally complex (therefore better manipulators of feelings/situations/groups) than boys at that age.
It's not a bad thing, it makes us more mature and better able to navigate life socially later (why so many mom's are great facilitators of their family life, etc.), but I think when we are younger we are navigating these relationships with emotional intelligence but a lack of ethics of life understanding that comes with age; and in a school, especially rural (I grew up on an island so I get this), the social groups are so small everything is really artificial and there is no escape from certain dynamics and social pressures.

hotsouple · 08/09/2017 22:57

It's gonna happen when she starts dating too, fucking adult assholes just stand you up now and then text later to reschedule. You don't want relationships with people who can't even send a text or make a phone call. And the people who can't be bothered to RSVP are soon going to discover they don't have anyone dependable in their life, because all the people who are still friends with them are people who also wouldn't think twice about standing someone up.

MummytoCSJH · 08/09/2017 23:01

My younger sister has this regularly, her birthday is at the end of July so school has usually broken up and some are on holiday or can't be arsed? which means she has to plan months in advance for anything for her birthday. On more than one occasion she has ended up with not even one person at her party. Kids are awful and don't think about the consequences, but you would think parents might..

hotsouple · 08/09/2017 23:02

Men bully, but differently. In my experience, the male bullying I have experienced has been talking over me, ignoring me, treating me like a servant to make themselves look cooler in front of friends, showing naked photos. They aren't any better, just tend to achieve bullying in different ways, girls ostracize a lot more, guys tend to make you feel like lesser in a group; in my experience!

hotsouple · 08/09/2017 23:04

lastgirlontheleft, It's always been paintballing, if they are cancelling now because they didn't like Paintball, they are being thoughtless and mean regardless.

Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 23:10

....the little shits are on instagram planning a camping trip with....wait for it..........."a really cool nerf gun fight"

apparently parents are willing and able to transport twice the distance!

They have either forgotten or don't care that DD is in the group chat.

Obvs I have turned off the phone now and told her they are not worth noticing anymore. This year is going to be hard to turn round isn't it?

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 08/09/2017 23:18

agirl
thats horrible of them.
At least now your dd knows who her actual friends are, these lot certainly arent.
Hope you and she have a lovely time tomorrow whatever you do, they are not worth a moment of her time wasted on them.

Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 23:23

and btw paintballing is really not the issue, in this group you could not invite them to a nail bar/tea party/hairdressers as a birthday treat (DD3 on the other hand would set up camp in these places as would her friends) they are absolutely the dofe/ outdoor pursiits/ practical/ alternative girls.

On paper DD should be in her element...but clearly not. I dont think she wants to reinvent herself to be "typically girly" whatever that is and she certainly shouldn't be made to feel that her choices are somehow not right for girls!

OP posts:
MrsJamesAspey · 08/09/2017 23:24

Total bitches, is it all of the invited ones or is the party salvageable?

What a crap start of the year for her.

KityGlitr · 08/09/2017 23:28

Those girls are absolute dicks. I think your DD should let a group chat of confirmed attendees know paint balling is off due to weather reports and that the new plan is to go bowling or something indoors and low key instead. Ask them to confirm if coming and if they don't confirm a yes, presume they're not. Give those who confirm the location and not the ones who don't reply. So you know who's coming and aren't sat waiting to see if some of the non confirmed show or not.

It's shit and a real way to learn who her real friends are. But I'd caution you not to make a massive deal out of this: let your dd feel her feelings but maybe frame is as 'good life lesson about how flaky people can be' and focus on how the people who do attend are her actual friends worth spending time and effort on. It doesn't need making into a bigger more painful drama as everyone has had something similar happen at some point, certainly nothing that is gonna ruin the rest of her month let alone year! Take her lead but model shrugging off those who don't care about you, which is a healthy approach.

I hope she has a lovely birthday!

KityGlitr · 08/09/2017 23:30

If pressed further dd can simply say it was a risk to book paint balling in September and that it got a bit out of hand anyway with too many attendees and she'd rather be spending time with her close friends than a massive group. She can easily save face that way!

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/09/2017 23:31

I'm so sorry your dd has (presumably) started 6th form type education with a bunch of girls who just don't want to know. Is there any scope at all for extending her friendship elsewhere so she can ditch this lot?