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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to send a terse note to these families? And maybe an invoice?

300 replies

agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 20:33

My Daughter is 16. Her party is tomorrow....first one for 5 years. I have saved forever to do a fun and unusual activity for her "friendship group". Invites given out late July before school broke up. Reminder invites by instagram in August before deadline for paying deposit and ordering/paying for food. Directions to venue and disclaimers along with paper reminder given out at beginning of this week for invitees.

TONIGHT 3 people have told daughter they are not coming. 2 have yet to say yes or no. Out of 12 (including daughter). Minimum for activity is 10.

When, just when did people become so rude and unfeeling never mind unconscious of wasting money????????????????

OP posts:
Ragusa · 08/09/2017 21:18

This smacks of the teens themselves bailing out. They don't sound overly nice. I think I would quickly invite some others, teĺling truth about what happened, honestly, as a PP has said.

You imply that her friends are fickle. It won't help your poor DD now but it is a vital life lesson leaned early. The ones who stuck by their word and are still coming are the Friends worth keeping. The others are disposable. Kids will sense if someone is seeking approval and mean/immature kids can be very mean to the approval seeker if so.

I'd contact their parents not to try and get them to come but to let them know how much you have been inconvenienced/ how much your DD has sacrificed to have this party. If they are being flaky they will be ashamed. If their kids are being kids perhaps they will have a word with their kids about the importance of keeping commitments.

MrsJamesAspey · 08/09/2017 21:19

My deepest fear is that the ones who have declined tonight are the polite ones and that others simply won't show

If you genuinely think this might happen cancel it, you'll lose your deposit but that's money spent anyway, and arrange for the couple of people who were going to come to do something else. Movies? Sleepover? Getting nails done?

If you cancel it she can save face before having barely anyone turn up by saying that it needed a minimum of 10.

Ragusa · 08/09/2017 21:19

That should read "if their kids are being flaky" not "kids are being kids"

Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 21:20

Alternative girls group into edgy art, outdoor pursuits (climbing, kayaking, open swimming), underground music and puritanical about smoking, drinking etc. No current boyfriends apparently.

I admire their non-conformity if not their attitude to DD!

OP posts:
peatree24 · 08/09/2017 21:26

Am I correct in understanding you have paid deposit and food but not full price? Maybe phone the rest in the morning, lastminutedotcom to check if they are really coming. If even one more flakes then cancel it and arrange something else as MrsJames suggests. Will the food be catered there or can you get hold of it and rearrange your day around it?

Sometimes I really hate girls. There was a tea party at a friend's today and DD was left out. 3 played together and ignored her even though she had been expressly invited with a special little note in the postbox yesterday. She came home in floods of tears. She's only 7 so the hurt was perceived as a mortal wound. My heart - more of this awaits.
I feel for you. Hope it all works out.

user1468353179 · 08/09/2017 21:34

My daughter had an afternoon tea party when she was 16, the idea of getting all messed up paint balling would have terrified her.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 08/09/2017 21:46

Sometimes I really hate girls

That's disgusting and shame on you! Would you substitute girls for any other group? How about black people? Chinese? Or people with disabilities!😡😡😡 Lots of boys are thoughtless wee shits too, as my son who came home with a cut head today from another boy would soon tell you!

OP, I would do a ring-round in the morning, checking to see if people are coming! Make sure you phone them and not text!!!! If you have few numbers, a previous suggestion of movies and sleepover sounds great!

TheBigPickle · 08/09/2017 21:46

Can you and your DH join in as extras? Are there any aunts and uncles who might come along or other parents. I know some groups of kids would find it uncool but some wouldn't mind.

hotsouple · 08/09/2017 21:48

I am the girl who growing up and even now at 23, I get so much anxiety around every birthday, etc. It is so awful and painful. The other girls actually went in another room and locked me out at my 15th bday party. :(

You can tell your DD though, that this shit happens to a lot of lovely people and people who are good friends to others.It is not a reflection on her so much as a reflection of the group and it's dynamics. It will be a teaching moment for her in regards to consideration of others and how to show your friends you care about them. I live with my BFF now and while we don't have a large group of friends, we are happier being close with each other than getting bogged down in toxic group dynamics; and we treat each other so well. It gets better! Happy Birthday DD, someday you will hopefully be able to incorporate this story into a comedy set or something. Humor heals and personal pain often makes for the best stories later in life! I'm sure this has happened to David Mitchell at some point and look how excellent he is!

JWrecks · 08/09/2017 21:48

Two of my SILs were openly joking on facebook about how they never bothered to RSVP to my wedding. There were also several people who let me know the day/week before whether they were going or not, months after my cutoff to pay for catering etc. We made it easy, gave them plenty of time, and included postage on the card and everything. They literally only had to tick a box and drop it in the post.

Showed up though, didn't they? People have absolutely no respect for others' time, effort, or money these days, it seems. I don't know if they assume you know they're going, or not going, or if they don't care, or what. Frustrating, I haven't ever found any way to get people to start caring. :(

MammaTJ · 08/09/2017 21:49

My first foray into MN was a post about how my DD had a party at home and only one person turned up!! We had invited about 8 and had 6 confirmations, if I remember correctly.

I think confirm with the yeses, and proceed as appropriate from there, even if it does mean cancelling and losing the deposit!

Good luck!

EternalOptimistToo · 08/09/2017 21:56

I feel your pain. I had a similar issue with ds but he was in primary at the time.
Both the parents and the children couldn't give a shit about the effect it had on ds or the financial cost of it.

And yes what it said loud and clear was that these people were not friends.
I'm forever thankful that ds started to make other friends after that.

EternalOptimistToo · 08/09/2017 21:58

And YY about losing the deposit and using the money to do something nice with the friends that DO come.

Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 21:58

You are all stars.

I will salvage what I can.

In the vein of teens sorting out their own social life I don't have contacts for those who have not replied or have declined but will check with those I do have.

DD won't contact anyone any more as she has spent the week confirming and sorting out and is I think terrified of appearing over needy now.

I am a LP with no other family around so no rent a mob. Due to our past history I am a bit socially isolated (escaped DV,relocated and work silly hours) and really feel for DD as I don't give her the example of emotional resilience and social dexterity that I would like to. Also church mouse poor (but happy!).

I think a move for 6th form is on the cards although her school is excellent. She needs to escape these toxic "friends" who do her self esteem no good.

to the PP who was locked in a room...my sympathies this also happened to one of my DDs at a party and the "friends" then used all her things including makeup etc.

Life is not easy for many children I guess.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 08/09/2017 21:59

I am kind of shocked that people think a girl should only be interested in 'girly' things like pamper parties and sleepovers.
Why shouldnt girls like paintballing or similar active things?
At 16 a 'tea party' would have been my idea of hell! (still is) running around with a gun shooting people would have been much better fun Smile

Really shitty behaviour from kids and parents. Hope you told them when they bailed that the night before an event is a bit late and its cost you a lot to organise this and they have let DD down big time.

AnUtterIdiot · 08/09/2017 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoodyMumOfOne · 08/09/2017 22:02

I feel really sad for your daughter, when she should be eagerly anticipating the event and not having anxiety as to whether these girls will show up. I wish her and you all the very best and I sincerely hope the day turns out well in the end. Please come back and let us know xx

minisoksmakehardwork · 08/09/2017 22:03

Oh I do so feel for your daughter. TBH I'd cancel now and use any money left to buy her something she wants so she doesn't end up with no one coming to her birthday treat and no present either. I don't blame you for saying 'this or a present' but the other girls for being so flakey.

If your DD is not already involved in groups outside of her school/friendship circle can I suggest she looks into them, guiding or scouting might work for her with their senior sections. I don't know how old she has to be to do DofE but they would allow her to find friends with similar interests in the outdoor pursuits capacity.

I planned, organised and invited friends, or rather people i thought were friends, to my 18th Birthday. Since then I've rather sworn off being the centre of attention so much. I had to cancel as everyone bar my very best friend slowly dropped out. Instead we went out and had a blood good time.

DjangoUnchained · 08/09/2017 22:04

What a bunch of wankers.

If more drop out tomorrow, take the ones who go and explain to the people running it you need to do a smaller game.

Original poster
agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 22:07

Harsh lessons aren't they?
I guess when the "right" friends come into our lives then we appreciate them all the more.

OP posts:
Peachyking000 · 08/09/2017 22:10

Unfortunately in all the cases similar to this that I've known about, it has always been girls behaving like this, never groups of boys. I hope that this isn't the norm.

Your poor DD, I hope the remaining friends turn up tomorrow and she has a great time. I remember at Uni one of my Malaysian friends organised a dinner party, where she would be cooking for us all (group of about 10). In the week leading up to it, everybody dropped out except me, and they were all a bit shocked that I was still going. It made me really sad as the host had gone to so much trouble and it was an amazing meal

Peachyking000 · 08/09/2017 22:11

Ps before I'm accused of racism/mentioning that she was Malaysian - she was planning to cook traditional Malaysian food as bond of us had tried it before and all mentioned we would like to try it

Peachyking000 · 08/09/2017 22:11

*none not bond

SweetLuck · 08/09/2017 22:14

Please don't mention the cost of it, or the budgeting etc to your DD again, she will feel bad enough already.

I hope plenty turn up tomorrow Smile

yamadori · 08/09/2017 22:14

Sounds about right when they say their parents don't want to drive them. We live rurally too, and hardly any of dd's friends have parents who can be bothered to drive their dc's to events/parties or get-togethers. DH and I have usually ended up being the default ones doing the ferrying and it is really frustrating at times. At least it isn't so bad now some of her friends drive, and they can also walk (a long hike) to the station.