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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to send a terse note to these families? And maybe an invoice?

300 replies

agirlcalledmove · 08/09/2017 20:33

My Daughter is 16. Her party is tomorrow....first one for 5 years. I have saved forever to do a fun and unusual activity for her "friendship group". Invites given out late July before school broke up. Reminder invites by instagram in August before deadline for paying deposit and ordering/paying for food. Directions to venue and disclaimers along with paper reminder given out at beginning of this week for invitees.

TONIGHT 3 people have told daughter they are not coming. 2 have yet to say yes or no. Out of 12 (including daughter). Minimum for activity is 10.

When, just when did people become so rude and unfeeling never mind unconscious of wasting money????????????????

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 09/09/2017 09:24

That's right migraleve, you keep on supporting exclusion and bullying behaviour. Classic tactic there, saying it's the people who are behaving this way who are in fact the ones being treated unkindly now that people are commenting negatively on their behaviour Hmm.

daisychain01 · 09/09/2017 09:26

Do you think the excuse about not getting lifts might actually be because some parents don't agree with paint Balling? Just a thought- I understand you can get massive bruises from it.

another20 · 09/09/2017 09:30

Do you think that the other parents knew anything about it in the first place?

Hope your DD has a great time.

chocatoo · 09/09/2017 09:35

I really feel for you and your daughter. I try to live my life by a code of trying to be considerate of other peoples' feelings and have brought my daughter up the same. I am frequently shocked by the rudeness of other girls. I feel that their parents are to blame - this has been evident when appalling rudeness has been condoned by their parents. I would contact the parents to explain that their not coming is ruining the day for everyone but don't expect them to support you. I would try to support your daughter to find other friends, possibly away from school. Hope it works out.

Gindingaling · 09/09/2017 09:37

Good morning OP. by now you should well and truly have an idea of how many turned up and I hope its been a good number.

You sound as if you've been through a lot as a family and a huge well done to you for being such a wonderful mum and role model to your children.

Happy birthday to your daughter and congratulations to you too on this special day for both of you.

Cassns1 · 09/09/2017 09:38

Happy birthday to your Daughter 🎉💐 Hope she has a wonderful day and has fun at the paintballing. It is upsetting/irritating about the no responses/last minute pull outs, but I hope enough turn out so your daughter can enjoy her birthday.

Migraleve · 09/09/2017 09:39

That's right migraleve, you keep on supporting exclusion and bullying behaviour.

I don't support that kind of behaviour. But 3 last minute drop outs would have me questioning whether or not there was a fallout. That's all.

Calling 15yo girls bitches and dicks, now that's bullying!

WhyamIBoredathome · 09/09/2017 09:48

People are arses about invites, even adults. We organised a party once, gave a about a month's notice and asked for rsvp by a certain date so we knew roughly how much booze/nibbles to provide. A few polite people immediately told us they couldn't make it and a few confirmed. Weeks went by, rsvp date came and went. Sent reminders, a few replied they had other plans. Two days before party a flurry of people decided to reply that they weren't coming. One day before party a quarter of invitees still hadn't replied, and several who had previously said they we're attending suddenly couldn't any more. We gave up and cancelled it.

KityGlitr · 09/09/2017 09:50

I don't think passing comment on these girls (who don't know this thread exists and will never be hurt by being called bitches and dicks here) classes as bullying. They acted appallingly. I'm willing to believe there could be some other explanation that makes it more understandable but based on the info the OP gave, they're dicks. That's not bullying. Bullying has to actually affect the target in some way or another.

Why are people scrabbling to find excuses like 9am is too early, maybe paint balling isn't their thing etc? The time for people to decide against attending was when they got the invite. Those factors will have been known then. It doesn't matter if the birthday treat is standing in the back garden from 2-4am in the middle of winter: if people accept the invite they can no longer drop out nastily and be given the benefit of the doubt that there's some kind of reason. Manners mean keeping to your word.

endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2017 09:56

We invited a "friend" of DD to come on a short holiday with us.
We paid her travel and accommodation costs up front on the understanding that her parents would reimburse.

A few days before we were due to go the "friend" announced that her parents had made other plans and she would not be able to come after all.

The parents were well aware of the arrangements.
They never paid us back the money.

Some people are just rude.

farangatang · 09/09/2017 10:15

It astonishes me how unable to commit to things certain people (and I include some adults in this) are. It's part of the attitude that they will wait and see if 'something better' comes along. If teens used Facebook anymore, it's like equating the 'Maybe' button with the 'I'm Coming' on an event invitation.
The fact that the ones who pulled out were planning an alternative activity on the group chat in which OPs daughter is a member, is HORRIBLE.
Not girls worth trying to be close friends with.

Hope the party went well with her real friends and the year ahead is free from nasty, unreliable and inconsiderate children.

Coffeetasteslikeshit · 09/09/2017 10:20

This thread just reminded me of my disaster of a 16th birthday party. Shudder.

heresn0ddy · 09/09/2017 10:23

The ones falling over themselves to find excuses for this kind of behaviour are probably the ones who would allow their kids to get away with doing it, by would be mightily pissed off if it happened to them.

The girls who have dropped out with barely any notice and have subsequently made plans on a group chat not including everyone in there, are bitches, mean girls. You don't do that to someone full stop, never mind on their birthday.

gruffaloshmuffalo · 09/09/2017 10:28

I hope she had fun OP! Paintball sounds like an amazing party

Whiterabbitears · 09/09/2017 10:29

Migraleve

What a horrible unhelpful post. Those girls are bitches and the parents are twats for enabling that. They are deliberately planning a camping trip on this girls birthday knowing full well they'd already said yes to going. The parents should be ashamed of themselves too and should be teaching them better life lessons.

They are being spiteful and to blame the OPs DD is really unkind.

KindleBueno · 09/09/2017 10:32

I hope enough turned up to be able to play.

Worriedrose · 09/09/2017 10:32

Though I do doubt that the parents are in on this. They've probably made up some excuse/lie
I couldn't imagine any parent being ok with their children behaving like this.
But maybe I am naive

DeadGood · 09/09/2017 10:33

"Sometimes I really hate girls

"That's disgusting and shame on you! Would you substitute girls for any other group? How about black people? Chinese? Or people with disabilities!😡😡😡 Lots of boys are thoughtless wee shits too, as my son who came home with a cut head today from another boy would soon tell you"

You realise that women aren't a minority group, right?

Also - your further comment about boys is slightly ironic

splatattack · 09/09/2017 10:39

Fingers crossed for you today...teenagers can be so so thoughtless and mean...

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 09/09/2017 10:44

Genuinely depressed by all the "girls don't like paintballing" posts. Amazingly enough, not all girls are put off by a bit of mud and activity...

I hope it all went ok, anyway.

MrsJamesAspey · 09/09/2017 10:45

Though I do doubt that the parents are in on this. They've probably made up some excuse/lie
I couldn't imagine any parent being ok with their children behaving like this.
But maybe I am naive

I agree, my dd is 15/16 and arranges her own social life and what parties she is and isn't going to. I'm just a taxi driver.

If I knew she was going to an arranged party and I had signed consent forms I hope that I would question her if she suddenly decided not to go, but if she said she'd fallen out with the birthday person I'd probably accept it. This thread has made me think more, and I will make more effort to question changes of plan as if she's fallen out with someone and told them she's not coming that's okay, but if she's part of a group that's boycotting a party that's not okay at all.

LavenderDoll · 09/09/2017 10:49

I really hope a decent number showed up and your DD had an amazing time
Girls can be cruel

DO3271 · 09/09/2017 10:52

Committing to invites seems to be a problem from all ages. When I was planning my 40th 3 people cancelled the night before and 1 just didn't show up.

I really hope your daughter has the best day, I hated school with a passion, I love what you told her about life after school.

MrFMercury · 09/09/2017 10:59

Happy birthday to your DD. I really hope she has a fantastic day x

PollytheDoily · 09/09/2017 11:01

Happy Birthday! Hope you have a great day 🌸

To OP: how bloody awful. I really feel for you and your DD. (They'd have spoiled it anyway by the sounds of them - who needs friends like that)