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A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

(264 Posts)
Foreverhopeful22 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:41:41

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

JamesDelaneysHat Mon 10-Apr-17 08:42:56

Are you saying that if you choose to not go to this party all your friends will drop you?

Believeitornot Mon 10-Apr-17 08:43:15

Well it sounds like you don't think much of your friend anyway so why attend the party? I wouldn't attend. You just say you can't make it.

YoullNeverWeeAlone Mon 10-Apr-17 08:43:58

Not go. Up to you if you say why, or just have an unavoidable clash of dates, but you couldn't go and celebrate this could you?

I'd like to think I'd be honest as to why, but I'd probably take the easy way out.

Foreverhopeful22 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:45:26

We (me and husband) have avoided majority of conversations regarding this. And since it's been confirmed for early release it's all everyone can talk about.

Last conversation in pub was along lines of us all sitting around a table and everyone saying that they are so pleased and excited to see Him and he has been so good in jail.

LIZS Mon 10-Apr-17 08:45:48

He's a friend? You might be better off without them.

Babyroobs Mon 10-Apr-17 08:46:35

How dreadful .I think I could forgive him if he is genuinely remorseful, everyone deserves a second chance, but the party is just in such bad taste. I'm not sure what on earth his family are thinking of.

Icallbullshit3 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:48:33

I can understand his family being happy and excited to have him back but it's in pretty bad taste to have a party isn't it? Considering the fact that the lady he killed will never be going home ever again. I really don't think I could celebrate that... and I'm not sure I could be good friends with people who could confused

Babyroobs Mon 10-Apr-17 08:48:40

Also I know of someone who is being released from prison in very similar circumstances ( identical crime) and her family are not even speaking to her let alone throwing parties !!

AyeAmarok Mon 10-Apr-17 08:48:42

God, please tell me he's banned from driving when he gets out?

sad

Foreverhopeful22 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:48:46

He is remorseful

But he was such a dick . I get second chances .

His family think the sentence was too harsh. Me personally think it was too light.

It's a very close circle of friends and his family are also involved as friends. Eg siblings

Foreverhopeful22 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:49:59

Aye- im not sure . I know I visited him and he said he would never drive again. But who knows

BMW6 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:50:06

TBH I would have ended the friendship before he killed the woman.
I also feel any kind of party would be totally inappropriate and disrespectful. If they are truly remorseful a party to celebrate their freedom would be an absolute NO.

ClaudiaWankleman Mon 10-Apr-17 08:51:50

You can just be busy/ ill on the day of the party, can't you? It is a difficult situation, especially as he is supposed to have paid his dues to society and, in theory, should be able to move on.

Pandamanda3 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:52:01

Poor you that's an awful predicament, I suppose you could explain to your friends mum it doesn't sit quite right with you 'in that although your happy to see your friend again you don't think its right to party given circumstance.
But this isn't your friends wish is it? Had he specifically wanted a release party? Maybe he doesn't and it wouldn't sit well with him either?

BlindAssassin1 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:52:35

I couldn't bring myself to go to this party and would cry off if it were going to create a hideous fallout between friends. Though I would question what kind of friends I was surrounded by if they thought it was appropriate to celebrate an early release for this.

Nocabbageinmyeye Mon 10-Apr-17 08:53:10

Look if the rest of your friends dump you for having most morals and holding a different opinion to them then they aren't friends anyway. You can bow out discreetly and not have to voice your opinion if you think that's best but don't go to the party feeling as you do (you are right by the way), and if there is still a fall out you are better off to be honest

MissMogwi Mon 10-Apr-17 08:53:34

A party is a terrible idea. I'm sure they are pleased he will be released but a person was killed. However well behaved he was in prison or however remorseful he is, it doesn't change the consequences of his actions.

I couldn't go. To be honest I couldn't be friends with people who thought this was a good idea.

Can you invent an unavoidable prior engagement if you don't feel able to tell them the real reason?

BMW6 Mon 10-Apr-17 08:54:07

I understand second chances - but he killed someone at his THIRD chance.
I wonder how the woman's family feel about his early release and the celebrations........

Pigwitch Mon 10-Apr-17 08:54:51

I would make my excuses and not go.
You don't have to walk away from all your friends - if it's easier make up an excuse - it clashes with another event you can't get out of , you're ill, no babysitter if you have dc etc.

I don't blame you tbh I think it's in bad taste.

Tillymintsmama Mon 10-Apr-17 08:55:11

I would not go and would make some new friends. He sounds at best unthoughtful and disrespectful. People outgrow friends when their values and interests change. Sounds like its time for you to move on...

Venusflytwat Mon 10-Apr-17 08:56:12

I couldn't go to that.

Depending how much they mean to you I'd either nicely but honestly say so or just quietly withdraw from plans and not show up.

floraeasy Mon 10-Apr-17 08:57:22

The party idea seems very distasteful to me.

Of course your friend is pleased to be out of jail. Who wouldn't be?

But I think it would be nice if they bore in mind that the family of the dead young woman will not be getting a second shot at things.

How much better if they were quietly grateful that they were getting a second chance in life, remorseful and planning to do some good in the world to rebalance what they'd done.

I wouldn't want to go to the party. It's a tough one, OP. It's not just about the party. Even if you missed the party and somehow managed to stay friends with them all - perhaps it's your friend's whole attitude towards the affair that is bothering you? In which case, maybe it is better to move on from this friendship.

Incidentally, I wonder how much time his family would like someone who killed him to get?

WashingMatilda Mon 10-Apr-17 08:57:23

OP what a tough situation for you.
But i don't think you should go. I'm pretty sure there will be other people under the wood work who feel the same.
By all means be happy he's being released but throwing a party is bloody grim.
Agree the sentencing is pretty light but that is actually one of the longer sentences I've heard for death by dangerous driving (police officer).
I don't think you'd forgive yourself if you went and would probably leave early anyway, making it more obvious to others IYSWIM.
I'd have a think about where you see this friendship going - any true friends of both of you won't choose sides and should understand your reasons.

NC1nightstand Mon 10-Apr-17 08:57:31

Is it possible that he knows nothing about the party and would also think it in bad taste?

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