A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

[Foreverhopeful22]

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

Oh I do believe in Redemption, and I do believe that your punishment cant last forever, but. The ending of that punishment should not be celebrated with a fuckin knees up.

I think you must forgive him for this. Can you see into your heart and let it go you sound very involved in this . I wouldn't go to the party though .

Saying "everybody deserves a second chance" is great and all, if he had stopped when he got caught doing 90 in a 40, or even after running the red light.
They WERE second chances!!! He then killed someone!

He ignored his first chances who knows if he'll do it again??

If I was that mortified and remorseful that I'd killed someone, I'd be highly embarrassed and angry that my family were having a party for me!!!!! I'd be ashamed.

Honestly? If you are honest and say "I think it's really distasteful to have a party when those kids are never going to see their mum again"
And they drop you or get angry at you, they are not friends. They can disagree with you, but to stick by a criminal, rather than a friend for a different opinion, not worth your time.

I think it is best to go to the 'party'. It may just be 'welcome home' , rather than a celebration of any kind.

The friend may indicate he is appalled at a celebration, he might take the chance to stand up in front of everyone and make a statement of remorse and respect to the family of the woman he killed.

And then, if none of that happens, you can always wait for an opportune moment, switch of the music and ask everyone to take a moment to remember the lives that have been ruined.

Now THAT will burn your bridges!

I wouldn't go. That poor woman's family has been completely devestated, yet he's having a party for getting out early? Nope I wouldn't worry about being dropped personally if that's the type of friends they are. He killed a mother.

There's a book by Raimond Gaita called Good and Evil: an Absolute Conception that might help you. He basically argues that redemption IS living with the consequences of what you have done, unceasingly. It's never a clean slate.

I'd also be very honest about why I wouldn't be going.

Could you suggest to one of the group that the friend in prison might not want a big get together given the circumstances of his sentencing? Suggest that it is discussed with him before proceeding with it and hope that he vetoes it.

I can understand your conflict, it's all kinds of wrong to be doing this for him. Very distasteful and inappropriate.

You said he had already been done for driving like a dick before he had got in his car again and killed someone? Then he managed to only go to prison for 6 years. and now the family are throwing a party.

The young mum that died would still have kids under 10 if they were toddlers and it happened 6 years ago.
He doesn't sound like a nice person. Or like he has a nice family really.

He basically argues that redemption IS living with the consequences of what you have done, unceasingly. It's never a clean slate.

I continue to live with the guilt of having a beloved pet cat put to sleep 20 years ago because I couldn't afford the medical treatment that might have saved her life.

There are other people in the world who can kill people, either deliberately or because of their stupidity, and they will sleep easy backed up by loved ones who tell them it wasn't their fault - the wife provoked him, the bloke in the pub provoked him, the person crossing the road should have been looking, the police have a vendetta, etc, etc. There is always an excuse. I've seen it in my own family. (And as a pp said above, men are the usual beneficiaries...)

I can't believe anyone would think a party is appropriate in this case.

Go away for the weekend.

If your friend is truly remorseful, let him show it now by taking into account the feelings of the victim's family by not partying on down the minute they are released from jail.

I nearly lost my life when a complete dick head clipped my car sending me rolling down an embankment when he lost control of his modified shit mobile while driving at absurd speeds. Whenever I see other twats driving like morons I have to confess to hoping they die hitting some wall without anyone else being involved. People like your friend are scum and if anyone I knew got sent down for killing some poor innocent person through dangerous driving they would lose me as a friend pretty much instantly.

It is in very poor taste and his family clearly haven't thought it through.

When I was 17 or so there was a girl who had been a few years older than me at school who had caused an accident with her newly acquired car and killed someone. Although she had left school (I guess she was 19 or so) I remember someone telling us that she had been acquitted at court and her family all 'celebrated' by going out for a lovely posh dinner. Even at 17 all my friends and I were .

I couldn't keep quiet I'm afraid. I would say to the family that I couldn't attend such a party as it felt incredibly disrespectful to the family who had lost their mother at such a young age. That I was pleased for them that they have their son/brother back but that celebrating wasn't for you. If they kick off then I certainly wouldn't want to be friends anymore. You never know, they may pause and think?

I'm wondering if he actually wants a party, given that he's remorseful. Have you other friends discussed that possibility? After six years in prison, he won't be the same person who went in.

If any of these "friends" try to criticise you for not wanting to go, ask them whether they would be comfortable going round to his victim's family's house and telling her children that they're having a party for the person who killed her.

I know a similar situation op.

Firstly I think 6 years in prison will have given him plenty of time to think about things and deal with the fact that his stupidity killed someone. I'm glad he feels remorseful.

It's usual to get a significant driving ban after something like this. I hope he sticks to his plan to never drive again (easier to say when in prison and it's not a possibility).

I agree with a pp about the not being a celebration but a chance for him to see people altogether - although even that might be overwhelming. Someone I know got wind of a party planned for his release and told them to cancel it as coming home was going to be a massive adjustment and it would all be too much. Maybe you could tip him off and see what he says? I would personally tell him and explain that you're pleased he's being released but a party doesn't sit well with you.

I don't think anything he says or does will make up for killing that woman. Her family are having to live without her every day, nothing can change that or make it right. It's great that friends have stood by him because they're prepared to support him no matter what - you need that when adjusting to life outside prison. But his actions after will show how remorseful he really is.

He may find what he can do seriously restricted while he is on licence. Your friends should not start planning anything until he is out and then see what he (a) is allowed to do and (b) wants to do. He may share the view of many PP here that any sort of party would be wrong. A quiet low-key (and drink-free?) welcome back to the world might be more appropriate.

I couldn't be in the same room with somebody who had one this, let alone attend a party for them. I wouldn't go, and couldn't care less about losing friends over it. That poor family.

My dc's bio parents were killed by an idiot driving dangerously.

I would judge anyone having a party in these circumstances (and did when the family of the man who killed my sil and bil held a celebration to mark his release). To say that it is disrespectful is an understatement, especially if any of them really think that he didn't deserve every day he has served. My dc's have seen their parents' killer many times, it was astonishing how his 'remorse' vanished upon his release from (his insultingly short time in) prison.

'Done' this obvs...

Are you sure what they mean by "party"?

Family/close friends gathering together to welcome him home & show support could be OK, and might be helpful to him in settling back home. Big celebration, drinking, raucous knees-up seems inappropriate and uncomfortable.

You could drop some hints along those lines - and you might find there are others in the group in agreement with you??

Here's another idea. Don't go to the party - be honest about why and arrange instead to see your friend at some point afterwards. Talk to him honestly about how you feel. It's going to be hard for him to adjust to coming out. Be there for him. Help him be the best possible version of himself so that the woman didn't die in vain.

(And if, after you've given it a good go, you sense he's still an arsehole, walk away.)

I wouldn't be going to the party nor hanging out with a killer.

You need some new friends.

@gooddaytoyou The woman did die in vain! Regardless of whether the criminal changes his ways.