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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

263 replies

Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 08:41

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

OP posts:

KoolKoala07 · 10/04/2017 11:32

I wouldn't go. He had 2 chances to not repeat acting like a dick whilst in charge of a car but he done it for a 3rd time and took someone's life. I couldn't and wouldn't attend a party to celebrate him leaving prison to lead the life that poor woman never will.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 11:36

I agree with Kool, that is why I would find this very difficult. I have failed 4 driving tests, I would like to drive, but worry I will kill somebody accidently (I have high anxiety).

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 11:38

his family and friends are not even acknowledging he killed somebody, and as a result 2 kids are motherless, they are just talking about having a party to celebrate his release, that would be a dealbreaker. Mabey its time for a new start and new friends op.

lalalalyra · 10/04/2017 11:43

I'd be dropping the other friends like a stone. Him it would depend how he was. Truly remorseful, disgusted by the idea of a party and not woe is me and I'd give him a chance. Not a hope in hell I'd attend though.

I know two lads who caused a horrible crash racing their cars. A girl died, another was left permanently disabled and they both went to prison. One celebrated getting out, moaned a lot about how harsh his sentence was, about how he's still not allowed to drive and how that affects his job chances. The other came out quietly, is genuinely remorseful, thinks he's lucky to be alive and free, volunteers at a place where he meets lots of young people to tell them his story and regularly donates money to a place that helps girls like the one left injured (and doesn't think that makes him a hero or his actions ok, just that that's the least he should do) and is truly and thoroughly ashamed of what he did. One of them is still a friend of DH's, one isn't.

OrraBoralis · 10/04/2017 11:45

I'm quite horrified that you could even ask the question. You said he did it several times and then killed a woman and you ask if you should go to his 'coming out' party?
FFS, the man killed someone.
NO, I would not go to his party and I would say why not.

KoolKoala07 · 10/04/2017 11:46

Aero - carry on with your driving. I passed on my 4th go.
There is a massive difference between driving like an utter idiot and ignoring the rules of the road to driving sensibly and having an accident that could harm somebody. (Of course it would still be dreadful but if you are following the correct rules the chances are it couldn't have been avoided)
Don't let the worrying of harming somebody stop you from driving.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 11:52

Thanks kool, I failed 20 years ago when I was 19, and have been scared to take another test since. I will pluck up the courage and learn on an automatic soon, I need to do this for me. I have dyslexia and dyspraxia, dh is not exactly encouraging, saying that I might have an accident, he thinks I would not safe on the road due my difficulties.

MariafromMalmo · 10/04/2017 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceKlar · 10/04/2017 11:56

No way could I go to a party to celebrate someone's release from jail, knowing that another family's life has been ruined. Sorry but there is absolutely nothing to celebrate here. I don't think I could be friends with someone who didn't put a stop to the party (unless it was a surprise and they didn't know about it). And yes I would say why I wasn't going. I'm shit at speaking out but in this case I'd have to.

VestalVirgin · 10/04/2017 11:57

There is a massive difference between driving like an utter idiot and ignoring the rules of the road to driving sensibly and having an accident that could harm somebody.

This.

If you drive sensibly, the risk that you will have an accident wherein people are harmed is much smaller.
I know a lot of people who weren't very good drivers at first, and they all only harmed their own cars.

Megatherium · 10/04/2017 12:00

Anyone who'd stand by him after this is scum as well, and has no moral compass.

I disagree. There has to be room for genuine remorse, and absolutely I would be prepared to stand by someone who is genuinely remorseful for something like this. But he would have to be prepare to demonstrate it by not having anything to do with a party on his release, not driving again, and getting his head down and working bloody hard to repay society in some way.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/04/2017 12:04

I wouldn't be busy or away at the time of the party, that seems weaselly to me - although I understand that it's easier than speaking up.

I'd decline by saying 'As [name of victim] can't be there, I don't want to be there either.'

Calm, dignified and truthful.

lazyhazysummer · 10/04/2017 12:12

I'd decline by saying 'As [name of victim] can't be there, I don't want to be there either.'
Exactly this, and if you lose friends because of it, so be it. Anyone with any decency should be of the same mind. How can anyone celebrate after all that happened. It really does make you despair about human beings.

Welshrainbow · 10/04/2017 12:14

Personally I wouldn't be having much to do with the friend being released. If your other friends would drop you for not going to a party for his release they aren't good friends but if you need a way out just book a holiday over his release date so you are away when the party is on and say your DH booked it as a surprise.

ShakingAndShocked · 10/04/2017 12:23

Astounded at some of the comments on here, esp in context of the other thread where the OP nicked £600 10 years ago and the impact of continues to blight her life even though conviction is spent under most circs. Here, there are PP's explaining how to offer him support as he 're-adjusts' to society; there, it's full of pitchfork and 'you deserve everything you get.

This thread is vis a male offender (who KILLED someone FFS); that thread is vis a women yet STARTLING different responses..

Trb17 · 10/04/2017 12:28

A party is disgusting and immoral.

By not speaking up you condone it.

He killed a woman by choosing to be an idiot.

I don't think I could stay friends with people who think a party is appropriate.

Tiredemma · 10/04/2017 12:33

Whats to celebrate?????

I would avoid him like the plague- if nothing else, he sounds like an absolute dickhead.

Andrewofgg · 10/04/2017 12:34

This thread is vis a male offender (who KILLED someone FFS); that thread is vis a women yet STARTLING different responses.

I'm not sure where gender comes into it. And the other thread is about how the ex-fraudster is being treated by "officialdom" - not about how her friends and family are treating her.

I still think that there is a right and a wrong way for family and friends to treat a released offender - and I have been there (as friend!). Quietly, and without fuss. Not noisily or triumphantly. Whatever they have done.

Dervel · 10/04/2017 12:35

I would go to whomever was organising the party, and explain whilst I am glad to see he's kept his head down and is coming out on good behaviour. I couldn't go to something called a party, I would however go to an informal get together with his nearest and dearest as long as we all were willing to discuss ways we can support him in not making such a desperately stupid and tragic mistake in the future.

If this didn't sit well with anyone I'd calmly point out we've all been shitty friends by not intervening with him after chances 1 or 2. Now a woman is dead, 2 children have no mother and this is going to be with him for the rest of his life. All round a fuck up whichever way you slice it.

Now obviously he is the one morally responsible, but his friends shouldn't be celebrating this they should be banding together to make sure history NEVER repeats itself. That's what a true friend would do in this case.

RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli · 10/04/2017 12:38

It would be interesting to see how long his remorse lasts for. He had chances to change his behaviour before killing the poor woman and didn't take them.

And if a party does indeed take place, it is highly likely that the victim's family will find out. Because, distasteful as it is, someone will make it their business to pass the information on.

Andrewofgg · 10/04/2017 12:41

Which is why the p-word should be out, out, out. Probation would probably exclude it anyway.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 10/04/2017 12:44

One of my relatives was killed in similar circumstances. It happened 40 years ago and our family will never recover. Your friend's sentence may be over but the victim's family are living with their loss forever.

Is this really the sort of company that you want to keep? There's no way that I would go to this celebration even if it meant losing friends.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/04/2017 12:54

please tell me he's banned from driving when he gets out?

Being banned from driving is, unfortunately, no guarantee that he won't actually get behind a wheel again - especially in a case like this where there's already a history of maniacal driving

I agree with the many PPs who've said a party is in poor taste and definitely wouldn't go. And while willing in principle to be convinced, I'd also be saving any belief in his "remorse" until I'd seen how he behaves on release

Original poster

Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 12:54

Oh god this is very difficult I am reading your replies and I agree with you when you are saying about it being disrespectful etc.

I also appreciate that you may walk away from that person. I don't think I'm scum as someone put it for associating with them, I do not condone what they did. And I am finding it very difficult to be honest with you of walking away.

OP posts:

floraeasy · 10/04/2017 12:56

Loyalty in friendship is a good thing, OP, but blind loyalty can be dangerous. You are not the one at fault here.

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