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AIBU?

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Original poster

A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

263 replies

Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 08:41

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 11/04/2017 07:53

He's actually served a long time in comparison with most other drivers who have killed people. I wonder if there was something else compounding his sentence?The proof of his remorse will become apparent over time. I suspect that whoever is organising this "party" is a bit of a dick. I'd avoid the party but offer support if you think he's genuinely changed. He will need good friends if this is the case.

SoulAccount · 11/04/2017 07:57

I would say, in a non judgmental way:
I'm not sure about rushing straight into a party. It may not be what x is comfortable with. What would we be celebrating? What does x need from us to enable him to go forwards?
And
I'll see him quietly, thanks. I'm not sure a big party gives him the right support, or anyone the right message.

If he is genuinely remorseful I would show him the support to reintegrate himself and lead a decent legal
Community focussed life.

floraeasy · 11/04/2017 08:10

I don't feel any of them condone what he done. I know they were all shocked

Yet you said they think his sentence was far too harsh? Confused

floraeasy · 11/04/2017 08:13

He's actually served a long time in comparison with most other drivers who have killed people. I wonder if there was something else compounding his sentence?

It could be because of this previous stuff on his record?

He had previously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights

Looked like he was driving recklessly for a long time. These are just the occasions on which he was actually caught!

The only thing that eventually stopped him was him killing someone and going to jail.

cheeseandpineapple · 11/04/2017 08:16

I agree with Soul.

Try to find the courage to speak up and express what you've said on this thread to whoever is organising the celebration and suggest other ways in which your friend can be supported when he's released i.e. something more low key in private and without anything that could be deemed insensitive given the crime.

You might be able to help steer this in a different directlon if you calmly and rationally explain your concerns.

if your friends can't see how crass it is to throw what sounds like a party given what happened then it really is time to think about changing your friendship circle.

Whether you maintain your friendship with your friend should depend on how he is when he comes out and whether he has genuinely changed. If he's truly remorseful for what he's done he absolutely will not want a party of any kind.

gamerwidow · 11/04/2017 08:23

As others have said I would be busy that day and unable to go to the party. I believe in redemption and he has served his sentence and appears to be truly repentant for his actions. For that reason I would continue to be his friend and help him make the difficult adjustment to life outside. A party is in poor taste though and I'm not even convinced that someone who has just been released from prison would want that.

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 11/04/2017 08:36

His family thought it was harsh . And this was mainly due to the legal advice given at time as the sentences suggested were a lot shorter.

The majority of friends were of the opinion it was too short.

If he is truely sorry still I would remain friends with him and give him all the moral support I can.

This party as I keep saying is the family and friends suggestion not his.

I agree a quiet meal would be more in keeping

OP posts:
Dreardre · 11/04/2017 09:13

If the party is their suggestion, they might be in for a big shock at how unready he is for big family shindigs. He's not been abroad ffs. Hope he is tormented by what he has done. Hope they are ashamed at celebrating.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/04/2017 09:18

For that alone, I would not go, the family and friends have made it clear what they think of his sentence and his incarceration, little thought to the victim and their family. I personally would have nothing to do with people who thought this way. You will make new friends in time! This is not a celebration at all. Yes you will hear talk of, he's served his time! The judge was harsh! The sentence was too long. I just could not stand that, considering his recklessness killed a person and made 2 young child motherless.

Andrewofgg · 11/04/2017 09:23

That families think their relation got too long is usual and natural. It's also right and proper that they should offer moral support and friendship after release. It's how. Nothing noisy, lay off the social media, a sober (in every sense) meal and if in a restaurant make it not where the surviving family live. Of course you cannot eliminate the risk that one fine day he and they will come face to face in a public place and if they do they will all have to cope.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/04/2017 09:34

Personally if my relative killed someone with their reckless driving, I would think the same. I agree Andrew, it sound be a sober affair, extremely low key.

Riddo · 11/04/2017 09:36

My first DH was killed by a driver doing 50 in a 30 zone. DH was on a zebra crossing. It was a long time ago and as DH took two weeks to die, the driver was charged with driving without due care and attention and was fined £200.

I have never met the driver but I hope he has never forgotten what he did. The idea of a party for your friend is abhorrent to me. He should be slinking out of prison and going home quietly not celebrating.

I understand that you don't want to lose all your friends over it. If they are true friends then they should understand your reasons for not attending.

floraeasy · 11/04/2017 09:38

Riddo Sad

How heartbreaking!!!!!!

Truly awful.

ShatnersWig · 11/04/2017 09:44

All this has reminded me that I some friends of mine were very good friends with a police officer who was sentenced for 6 years for causing death by dangerous driving. He collided with a tanker, which was spun out of control and crashed into another car, killing the back seat passenger and injuring driver and one other. He was drunk at the time, fled the scene, returned to a party where he'd been drinking since 4pm and stayed at a friend's to establish an alibi. He lied after arrest to say his car had been stolen.

All of his friends, his fiance, stood by him. I don't know what he does now but of course he was unable to rejoin the Force. I'm not sure I could have stood by him.

Dreardre · 11/04/2017 09:58

So sorry, Riddo, what a terrible thing to happen.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/04/2017 10:05

He's actually served a long time in comparison with most other drivers who have killed people. I wonder if there was something else compounding his sentence?

The same thought occurred to me. I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, Riddo, and appalling leniency like that is precisely the sort of thing I mean, suggesting that there may be even more to this than OP knows

And isn't the sort of mental agony most would suffer if they'd done this a big reason why they wouldn't do it in the first place? For me it shows a special kind of mentality to go on and on behaving like this, so maybe the "remorse" - while no doubt insisted on to gain early release - may be questionable at best

Time will tell, though

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/04/2017 10:11

An absolutely appalling case, Shatners, which reminds me ...

Foreverhopeful, given this guy's "remorse" for what he'd done, I assume he pleaded guilty?

OSETmum · 11/04/2017 10:24

I'd just be thinking about how the family would feel if they found out about this party, especially if your friend lives in the same town as the woman he killed. I think I'd have to say something to the organisers, even though I'd find it very hard, as it would be just awful if the family of the woman found out this was happening.

emmyrose2000 · 11/04/2017 11:13

I would have ended this 'friendship' the second I heard what he'd done. The party is a no-brainer. Dump these low life 'friends'. I don't think everyone deserves a second chance. What a load of malarkey! Let's give Ian Huntly and Lewis Daynes a 'second chance', shall we? We advise anyone in a relationship where one person strikes another to leave immediately, no 'second chance' but we give a person who killed a young woman another chance? Sounds like you have a lot of trashy friends if they even contemplate a thing like this, much less support it

I agree.

On the very off chance this scumbag shows some remorse - so what? Remorse won't bring back the woman he killed, or bring back the mother to those small children.

Andrewofgg · 11/04/2017 11:57

If his family and friends support him in a proper way that improves the chances of him sorting his life out to everyone's benefit. In any case it's natural for family to support family. Friends less so, I suppose. But we keep coming back to this: it's the manner of it. It's important to avoid offending the victim's family.

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 11/04/2017 12:20

Ok as we have diverted from my original question i don't see the point of continuing this topic.

Thank you everyone for your views I do appreciate it as I said I think I will visit him again and decide then . I will also see if he knows about the party.

As for the people that seem to be name calling and deciding that he is a scumbag or from some nasty estate /benefits. Which I have no idea what that is implying.

Did he plead guilty - actually yes he did

Does he feel terrible for his actions - yes he does

Do I want to walk away from him - no I want to be a support for him.

Do I agree with his family and friends for organising a party - no

Do I think the victim family will ever forgive him - no of course I don't.

But thanks again for the views I do appreciate them

OP posts:
cheeseandpineapple · 11/04/2017 12:34

Will you say something to the family and friends planning the party to discourage them from going ahead with it?

Hope so.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/04/2017 12:44

Interesting about the guilty plea ... somebody please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought there was generally some reduction in potential sentence allowed for this?

If so, I admit to being surprised the sentence was ten years, given the much lesser ones others have had; in particular, I can't help wondering what other aggravating factors may have been present

I still think you're doing the right thing though, OP, in visiting him to find out more before making a final decision

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 11/04/2017 12:50

Puzzel - I have no idea how sentencing is done. I know he admitted to driving dangerously etc etc. I was not present at trial, sentencing nor his legal matters.

And it did not seem appropriate to ask loads of questions .

I presume as you have said yourself usually sentencing is lessor , this is why the family thought it was harsh . I reiterate the family think this not me or his friends.

Cheese- I won't deter family from anything all I can do is see him and decide what I am going to do. I will give HIM my reasons if I don't go.

OP posts:
JellyWitch · 11/04/2017 12:52

He will need all the decent friends he can get coming out of that many years in prison.

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