A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

[Foreverhopeful22]

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

This was not mitigating circumstances, he was an idiot on the road before, this time he was again and killed somebody. I would find it very hard to get over that, especially if he starts driving again, that would put an end to the friendship.

I don't quite understand what's to celebrate. Don't go and dump them, please don't have such friends.

Having a party shows that he is not remorseful. If he knows about the party and hasn't shut it right down then he doesn't actually accept that his imprisonment was a justified sentence for killing someone.

An appropriate way to celebrate his release from prison would be to start some endeavour to raise money to help the victims and families of victims of road deaths, or raise awareness and prevent road deaths, and ask all his friends and family to contribute whatever they would have spent on a party to that.

I'm just thinking it's a party with booze and God knows how many people will jump in to their car afterwards to drive home.

If you want to stay friends with him, the I would tell him that I feel uncomfortable with a 'celebration' as I can only my really think of the victim of the crime and her family.

Glad he's out, happy to meet for a coffee and chat but not for a party. Ask how he is going to get on with his life - I believe it's tough after being in jail.

If you go, you're going to have to listen to dickheads sympathising with him that "it wasn't fair, the judge was harsh, it wasn't your fault".

This. And if he is still able to drive, they'll probably club together to get him a new car and encourage him to use it. Enablers and apologists.

I agree with this poster, if he is genuinely remorseful, he shod be campaigning to raise awareness of speeding, and use his crime for good.

I think as I'm reading thre replies I am struggling with the fact that he killed her and all because he was being an idiot.

I would struggle with that too, and personally I would not be able to get over it. He had driven like a maniac on several occasions before and never learned his lesson, kept thinking he was above the rules, until someone died from his arrogance and stupidity. The only way he could show enough remorse would be never to get behind the wheel again.

It does sound very inappropriate. If you're brace, you could suggest to your friends something lower key (like a trip to the pub) might be better. Otherwise I would be 'busy'.

That poor woman and her poor children.

Is he even allowed back to his home? I have friends in a similar position and the guy in prison isn't allowed back to his home town for the remainder of his prison sentence as he lives in the same town as the person he killed. I'm not 100% certain of the details though.

(Brace=brave). Thanks autocorrect.

There's somebody in jail right now for killing a good friend of mine (not accidentally) and the thought of him getting out makes me feel physically sick, never mind having a party.
OP I think you just need to dodge the party (say you're busy/sick/working) and possibly stay away from your friends for a few weeks because it will be all anyone talks about for weeks.

I think I'd have got rid of very good friend based on his reckless and thoughtless driving behaviour prior to him killing someone. But you're where you are.

Personally, I couldn't go to the party. I think it is incredibly distasteful and disrespectful and any family or friends who think it's sensible is not someone I'd want to hang around with. I DO understand family and friends may be pleased to have him back, but a big party is inappropriate.

I do believe in giving people second chances. His actions after the party are the key thing here. Has he turned over a new leaf? Is he a new man? I would continue the friendship if so. If he comes out and continues to be reckless, that would be the end for me.

The woman's family will always have a gaping hole in their lives. There is nothing that can be done to remedy that.

In my experience, people who speed excessively and run red lights are usually awful in other parts of their characters too. It takes a particular kind of arrogance, stupidity and superiority complex to think it's ok for you personally to disregard rules as basic and important and life-protecting as those. I never met a decent, compassionate, modest and warm person who deliberately drove like a maniac.

The thing is user he was already past his second chance when he killed someone.

I do believe in giving people second chances.

He had had a second chance already. This was his third.

The woman's family will always have a gaping hole in their lives. There is nothing that can be done to remedy that.

The only thing that would come close, in my opinion, is for him never to drive again and decline this party if he knows about it.

Funny how there are lots of crime dilemma threads on here all of a sudden...

Anyway, giving benefit of the doubt, if your friends are real friends you should be able to say you're looking forward to catching up with the friend in your own time, but don't feel throwing a party feels right so you won't be going. Or if you don't want to even say that, just make excessive and don't go.

Honestly, if he's such a good friend why can't you say "Look, I'm pleased that Jailbird is being released early but I feel uncomfortable about you going to so much trouble to organise a party for it and I won't be attending. Perhaps Jailbird and I can get together at a later date for coffee or something to mark the occasion"

You can be happy for someone who is being released from a prison sentence, but that doesn't mean you have to condone or support a party being thrown in their honour. They are still guilty of the crime they committed, just because their custodial sentence is completed doesn't mean its an occasion requiring celebration.

Also, you don't know under what conditions he is being released early, so he will probably be at the very least on license, so there could even be a possibility he won't be allowed to have a party - eg if he is on license and one of the conditions is that he has a curfew he may have to be at home between 6pm and 7am which would mean they can hardly hold a big party at an outside venue etc

excuses not excessive

Please tell me he has been banned from driving...

permanently that is

It sound to me as though you have issues with the entire friendship group, not just the friend who went to prison.

Your OP is giving off 'distress signals': you find them suffocating; you can't be yourself with them; you have to silence your opinions; you find yourself in conflict with the dominant ethos of the group. My guess is that this is a particularly striking example of all these things, but that it's an ongoing issue for you.

Give an excuse to avoid the party. Make some real friends, of your own, who suit you and the person you are, regard this group as a kind of 'family' that you have to maintain some kind of loose contact with - not as a true friendship group.

Learn from this: friends, real friends, make you feel fuller as a person, they make you feel stronger and more able to take on the world and life, they make you feel happier when you're around them.

It's not uncommon to have quite constricting social groups when you are younger. You don't know yourself yet, and you find yourself tied up in social networks through circumstance (family, school, location) rather than choice. One of the great things about growing up is that you get to break these bonds and form your own.

Of course, I might be wrong about this. You might love this group and feel really supported and nourished by them - in which case, ignore my above post. However, I'm sensing a real feeling of frustration in you, that I'm guessing has been growing over a long time.

He's remorseful. Doesn't sound like it to Me. Remorseful people do not have parties after being released from a ridiculously lenient sentence after killing someone.
Anyone who attends are also scum bags. I've no qualms at all about saying that. 2 poor little children have suffered the loss of their mummy and people are celebrating his release. I Also don't buy the , but He didn't set out to kill anyone. Oh don't get me wrong. I'm sure he didn't. However he chose to drive in a dangerous wreckless manner. He knew the risks.
There's no bloody way on earth I could or would want to go to that party. People celebrating his release. Meanwhile his victims family.will be comiserating. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I agree with those who say, be a friend but given the circumstances don't go to the party. In a couple of weeks suggest meeting up for coffee or something.

What awful bad taste to throw a party for this man as if he's some kind of home coming hero. There shouldn't be any fuss or fanfares in these circumstances, A young woman has been killed. He's shown remorse....what an awful way to show it then, whooping it up on the night of your release. He should refuse any sort of celebration.His family need to show some dignity here. The fact that they thought the sentence was too harsh shows the kind of people they are.