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Original poster

A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

263 replies

Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 08:41

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 10/04/2017 09:00

God, what a tough one.

I think it really depends on what you think of him as a person, and a huge part of that will be how he handles this. It's not the kind of decision anyone on here can make for you, because it really does come down to the choices he is going to make from here on out. I think I would be tempted to be very open about this with friends and family - that you're waiting to see whether you want to continue to know him.

I would have a REAL problem with someone like that getting back behind the wheel.

HerOtherHalf · 10/04/2017 09:00

The idea of a party is so disrespectful to the victim and her family. Long-time friend or not, I would have no problem telling him I think it's a cuntish idea and I want no part of it. Also, there are accidents and there are accidents. This was not an accident brought about purely by chance and unforeseeable circumstances. This was an accident directly due to his recklessness and arrogance that he could drive like an arse with no care for the rest of the population. He should be hanging his head in shame, not having a bloody coming-out party.

AnthonyPandy · 10/04/2017 09:00

Walk away from the party and tell them why. If they dont want to be your friends anymore then thats ok. You must do what you feel is morally right and what sits well in your heart.

PovertyPain · 10/04/2017 09:03

If you go, you're going to have to listen to dickheads sympathising with him that "it wasn't fair, the judge was harsh, it wasn't your fault". 😒 I couldn't stomach that crap and you'll end up looking bad if you don't agree. You would be better booking time away, or going to visit far flung relatives, if you can't afford a hotel.

Isadora2007 · 10/04/2017 09:05

I don't think it's his fault his family and friends want to throw a party. I am not sure if you actually have an issue with that or the act your friend did that had such a tragical and avoidable outcome. If the anger is there for the act then perhaps the friendship is over.
It is tragic and awful but the truth is that the woman cannot be brought back to life, and would you truly want your friend to never enjoy his own life again? I would hope his remorse may shownitself in some meaningful way... but if it doesn't can you see past that?
He has served his time and even the shorter sentence I am sure was not a walk in the park and even a short time in jail would be very stressful and challenging.
I'm not sure you sound like a good friend towards him so maybe the friendship is over. That may be the more honest option for you.

Astro55 · 10/04/2017 09:05

Does the friend know or want the party? He may feel like he wants to slink home to readjust his life -

itsmine · 10/04/2017 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whathaveilost · 10/04/2017 09:07

I think you need new friends.

ThatsNotMyMummy · 10/04/2017 09:08

It's fairly common to have an "out" party, it's a way of seeing every one at once. It's not a party celebrating their crime. But just a way of gathering all their friends important people together. Showing support to their future.

I can see how it feels distasteful because of the crime and in this case especially if the family is local it would be better to just slip back into society.

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 09:09

Thatsnotmy - exactly I think it's a celebration of him being out.

I don't know if he knows about it. I haven't asked mainly because I keep trying to avoid the topic.

OP posts:
Redpony1 · 10/04/2017 09:10

A party is poor taste.
When a friend came out of jail for a similar offence, his sister sent some FB messages around, said X would be at the pub at X time if anyone wanted to see him. No party, just a casual drop by catch up. There was no pressure from people to attend if they still felt uneasy with what happened etc. Plenty of people turned up and I am glad - he will spend the rest of his life regretting what he done & wishing he could turn back time, he needs his friends more than ever now.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 09:10

The party is in such bad taste, considering he killed someone and made those chdten motherless, for that i would not go, and explain to your friend why. He shod be banned for life.

thethoughtfox · 10/04/2017 09:11

To throw a party in these circumstances is awful and indicates that he is not genuinely remorseful.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 10/04/2017 09:11

Coming home parties are pretty common. Sometimes "going away" parties too! I agree with ThatsNotMummy- it isn't about celebrating the crime.

I had a friend once who killed someone and although I would have liked to stay friends and support him through prison etc.. I honestly couldn't get over what he'd done. It wasn't a friendship I was able to sustain.

OP: From your post I think you are facing the same dilemma. This is the real issue, not the party.

This might well be the end of the friendship. Only you can decide.

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 09:12

Thethought- I don't even know if he knows about it. This is being organised by his family and friends.

He is truely remorseful

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 10/04/2017 09:12

Had it been the first time and there were some sorts of mitigating circumstances (head not right because wife just dumped him or something), I might be able to get over it. As it is, he's proved on numerous occasions that he thinks he is above the rules of the road and instead of taking the lessons, he drove more and more dangerously until he killed somebody.

I couldn't go and I couldn't stay in contact. If I lost friends over it, well, so be it. I couldn't actively celebrate his release or pretend I was happy to see him.

Paul78 · 10/04/2017 09:13

It's a difficult one.

From his POV, he WILL be legitimately sorry. People will say he served his time.

However, there is nothing to be gained from inventing stories. At best, this will just mean they will keep inviting you.

I had a split in my friend group and nothing was ever the same again. It's clear that you can't accept this man as a friend.

It's your life, I would go the way your instincts are telling you.

amusedbush · 10/04/2017 09:13

Second chances are one thing. Throwing this distasteful party in celebration is another thing entirely.

What's to celebrate? "Yay, you killed someone but you're home now!"

Horrible.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/04/2017 09:13

Oh he does not know about it, their actions are in such bad taste, totally disrespecting the family of the victim. It should be a sober affair, with just some drink as round the pub or in the house.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 10/04/2017 09:13

I wouldn't have to think about this twice, I wouldn't go.

A party is disrespectful and sickening when he has KILLED a woman.

You definitely need new friends.

Original poster
Foreverhopeful22 · 10/04/2017 09:14

I think as I'm reading thre replies I am struggling with the fact that he killed her and all because he was being an idiot.

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 10/04/2017 09:15

If he doesn't know about it, he may also feel it's completely inappropriate. A party celebrating his release is probably the last thing he wants, if he is very remorseful.

GloGirl · 10/04/2017 09:16

I do understand why it's in poor taste but I actually understand having a gathering when you come out of prison to 'catch up' with a lot of people you've not seen for a long time. Wanting a piss up with a DJ would obviously be crass but if you've been in prison for 6 years and you're asked about having a party when you come out with X,Y and Z invited I can understand and can easily imagine how it would spiral.

Totally understand why you wouldn't go.

BMW6 · 10/04/2017 09:16

Any celebration of his release, for whatever reason, is totally disrespectful and inappropriate.

I can say with 100% certainty that if a member of my family had killed someone in these circumstances we would absolutely not be having any kind of party on their release.

Can you really not understand how appalling this is?

shovetheholly · 10/04/2017 09:17

Forever - I think you NEED to struggle with that fact. Because it's appalling. His utter idiocy took away someone's life.

There are some things in life where forgiveness is a gift that has to be earned by a complete change in behaviour and attitude. There are some things that happen that require remorse that is eternal, just as the grief of her family will be eternal.

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