A friend is being released from jail and they are having a party

[Foreverhopeful22]

A very good friend of mine had a car crash and because he was driving like an absolute idiot he drove straight into another car at a junction that was turning right.

Previously
He had deviously been done for speeding 90mph In a 40mph zone.

He had a crash where no one was hurt on a separate occasion again running red lights.

His last accident was much more serious he killed a young woman. He was sentenced to 10 years but he has been on good behaviour and will be coming out by end of year. Serving a total of 6 years.

His family and friends are talking about a big party etc. Every time we see them they are talking about what to do and where to do it.

I can't get over the fact that he killed a young woman, she was a mum of two toddlers. I know he is remorseful but still.

My options are to go along with it or to walk away from my closest friends that I've known for 20 years. If I do this there will be a knock on effect of other friends being lost. I literally mean I would be walkin away from pretty much all my friends.

I can't get my head around it. I just keep thinking of the poor woman and her family.

What should I do.

I wouldn't "be there for him" he killed someone. He can fuck right off.

For me he's done his time if I felt he was genuinely remorseful I wouldn't give up on the friendship however I do think a party is very distasteful given a woman remains dead and I would make it clear that I would not be attending on those grounds not as a slight against the friend

I would arrange to see him at a different time quietly and, like others have said, be busy on the day of the party.

I suspect that if you are brave enough to say you don't think a party is tasteful, that other friends may well follow your example. Quite a few could be thinking that everyone is on board and don't want to rock the boat.

Walk away.

I'm of the mind well, he's done his time, and people deserve a second chance, but I think throwing a party is taking things too far and is in very bad taste.
He probably doesn't want it either and could possibly be horrified at the idea.

It smacks of dancing on the victims grave.

Very distasteful to have a party.

I hope he doesn't get his licence back ever. He and his family sound like a bunch of dicks!

its in very bad taste-is it the same town as the woman he killed-what if her family gt wind of it

a relative went to prison for fraud--didnt kill anyone but we still didnt throw a party when he came out he wanted to keep his head down which is the right thing to do

Longdistance He will have lost his driving licence for as long as the judge said at the time, and six years ago when this man was sentenced there was no way of making it run from his release - there is now but it is not retrospective (and nor should it be). OP Do you know how long his disqualification was and whether he was ordered to take a re-test?

As for where a dignified and decent return to the world ends and a party begins: that's hard to say. But his family and friends should be able to decide that, as indeed should he.

Treating him like a pariah for the rest of his life does nobody any good, though, does it?

You seem to be the only one in this group of friends with any moral compass. Why don't you broaden your horizons and meet some decent people?

I don't know if I could maintain a friendship with him. It would depend on a great many things.

What I do know is that I'd have lost my shit very loudly with anyone saying that sentence was too harsh. He's served SIX years for killing someone. It's pathetic. killing her wasn't deliberate, but driving the way he did, I find it difficult to describe it as an accident either.

I actually don't think I could be friends with him anymore.

If he & his family are 'like family' to you I can understand the difficulty, but I think they'd make it easy to walk away as they continue to celebrate his release, complain about the sentence and seemingly not give a thought to the woman who lost her life. Her children, her husband, her family & friends...nothing will EVER be the same for them.

(((Andro)))

I think I would say "I understand that you are happy to have him back but I feel a party is disrespectful to the family of the woman who died so I'm afraid I can't come". If you just go along with this, you will regret it.

Maybe, MAYBE it would be a slightly different story if he didn't have a history of reckless driving, the accident occurred whilst he was doing the speed limit and it was pure accident.
But the fact he's willing to do 90 in a 40 and has crashed before shows he has no consideration for anyone else and I'm not sure why you're even still friends with him. He can't be a nice person with a nice personality if he knows his driving could - and has - easily killed someone. I would personally never speak to him again and say sorry I can't forgive you.

I totally agree with thecatfromjapan, especially this:

Your OP is giving off 'distress signals': you find them suffocating; you can't be yourself with them; you have to silence your opinions; you find yourself in conflict with the dominant ethos of the group.

Make some real friends, of your own, who suit you and the person you are, regard this group as a kind of 'family' that you have to maintain some kind of loose contact with - not as a true friendship group.

Also, your 'friend' has had three chances: 90 in a 40 zone, running a red light, then running a red light and killing that poor woman. He plainly hasn't learned from his experience. I wouldn't be his friend any more.

If he isn't the one arranging the party - next time it's being discussed, can you say something about has anyone asked him and checked that he's going to cope with a party. He might not see it as anything to celebrate.

It's in bad taste and your friend in prision may well agree with you on that.

If they have asked him and he's up for it, then be busy. Be busy for events including him in the future. But I wouldn't presume he's not thinking about his victim or caring about her family.

ShovetheHolly
"There's a book by Raimond Gaita called Good and Evil: an Absolute Conception that might help you. He basically argues that redemption IS living with the consequences of what you have done, unceasingly. It's never a clean slate."

But a Party after the Prison sentence is Finished seems a very public announcment that it IS 'over' for the perpetrator, whereas it will never be over for the family of the dead victim.

I wouldnt go, nor would I want to 'stay friends' tbh.
It was not the first time his actions could have killed someone.
that time it did.
It may not be the last.

Any celebration of his release, for whatever reason, is totally disrespectful and inappropriate. I can say with 100% certainty that if a member of my family had killed someone in these circumstances we would absolutely not be having any kind of party on their release. Can you really not understand how appalling this is?

I agree.

This guy is scum. He made a conscious choice to behave the way he did, multiple times. Eventually he KILLED someone. He should've been given life in jail and left to rot.

Anyone who'd stand by him after this is scum as well, and has no moral compass.

Get yourself your new friends.

worship - Yes, that's precisely what I was trying to get at! Remorse is for ever.

I will read the book though. It is a very interesting topic.

A woman I know who was driving far too fast veered off the road on a bend and killed an elderly lady waiting at a bus stop. She had adult children and grandchildren, and a husband who loved her, all of him had to cope with the shock of her senseless loss. (This wasn't the first time this woman drove like a tw*t either.) I went to visit with our then priest - we both thought she would be stricken because of what she had done to help her cope, and would need comfort and support. She wasn't. She was stricken because the police refused to let her use her car and she wanted it to go on holiday in a couple of weeks' time.

I bet your friend will start driving again - especially if he needs to drive to get a job. His memory of what happened will fade and he will start to drive like a dick again as he regains his confidence. Truly sorry people DON'T continue to drive after their first "accident". (Inverted commas because it's not an accident if it could reasonably be foreseen, in my book.)

Holly x posts. Apologies if I misunderstood.x

I suppose you could meet up with him first and ask how he felt about it etc and then decide but, given he has form, I'd just not want someone like that in my life I think.

I wonder - had HE been killed because of someone else's selfish stupidity, would his family and friends have considered the sentence "too harsh" then?

Bet they wouldn't.

Well the women's children will be young teens now. Are they going to attend this hooley? It's appalling judgement to even consider such an event. A quiet family dinner is appropriate. I wouldn't hesitate in saying so. These people need to be steered in the correct direction. Presumably this in the same community where the murder occurred? What if the family catch wind of the shindig?

I can't imagine how the family of the victim would feel if they knew about the party. It's massively distasteful.

Meeting up with friends is one thing. But a party? No way.

How would you feel if someone in your family had been killed, the person went to prison for a pathetic amount of time, and then came home to a party?

Fucking stupid.