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To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

(435 Posts)
largepinot Sun 12-Feb-17 16:42:16


I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?


Purplepicnic Sun 12-Feb-17 16:52:02

Why does she not like sleeping at his?

largepinot Sun 12-Feb-17 16:59:17

His old place was a one bed flat and he has two big dogs, so not enough space really. She slept in his room, but finds the bed really uncomfortable and actually, cold. She always said she was cold. She says it smells bad because of the dogs (it does. I have a dog, so not anti!) and at night she can't sleep because the bedroom and living room are right next to each other, so she can hear the tv and him and his gf talking loudly.

TaliDiNozzo Sun 12-Feb-17 17:05:17

Hmmm it doesn't sound great does it? I don't know what you can do about it though.

Imstickingwiththisone Sun 12-Feb-17 17:05:32

She called you because he wasn't up at 7:30 on a weekend to make her breakfast?? confused and you agree that he's done wrong?? I think youre both looking for reasons to pick at him.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 12-Feb-17 17:06:28

Why does she not like sleeping at his.

Erm let me think. Could be something to do with the fact that. He lazes in bed and she has to get up and prepare her own breakfast, or That hes too measley to put the heating on. The poor little mite was crying because she was that cold.

Did you not read one word of the ops initial post.

YANBU. Pinot. I don't think I'd let her go again. That's abuse that shes enduring.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 12-Feb-17 17:08:14

Sorry for the lack of support so far. Pinot. Hopefully more supportive sensible posters will be along soon.

Soubriquet Sun 12-Feb-17 17:08:31

A 10 year old can sort her own breakfast. That isn't an issue

The cold...on one hand yes she should wear a jumper if she's cold but I've been in that position where I'm so cold I can't even sleep

I think your ex needs to put the heating on for some of the time. Even if it's just an hour to warm up a little.

If she doesn't want to go anymore though I would stop letting her go

Dowser Sun 12-Feb-17 17:08:41

Poor thing that she's cold
No, that's not on.
Although getting up at 7-30 isn't unreasonable for her to get her breakfast and dad to stay In bed till 9 ish
But to get up at that time and I. The cold well that's just miserable.
I too would feel unwanted.
My heating hasn't been off since Thursday!

laidbackmummy13 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:09:15

If it's as cold there as it is here then yes the heating should probably have been on, however your post implies she didn't take a sweater with her?

As for not being up at 7.30 on a weekend, you are being unreasonable. He doesn't have to get up at the crack of dawn. She is old enough to get breakfast and entertain herself for a few hours until he gets up. Not a toddler so not an issue.

clarrylove Sun 12-Feb-17 17:10:07

What sort if clothing did she have if he had to say pack a jumper next time?

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 12-Feb-17 17:11:28

Not a toddler, so not an issue.
Little kid blinkers again, I see.

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 12-Feb-17 17:12:17

Getting her own breakfast - not an issue.
Not being up at 7.30am - not an issue.
Heating - issue. Is it a cost thing, or is he just being stingy?

ChuckSnowballs Sun 12-Feb-17 17:15:00

I am 50 this year. If my OH said no heating this weekend we'd have had a blazing row and one of us would have been gone. It is absolutely bloody freezing.

What sort if clothing did she have if he had to say pack a jumper next time?

Beachwear natch. Or perhaps this is totally not the fucking point. If he has his daughter to stay and she is cold, put the fucking heating on.

ChuckSnowballs Sun 12-Feb-17 17:16:13

Little kid blinkers again, I see

Nothing to do with little kid blinkers. Everything to do with it being fucking freezing in the UK right now. Unless of course the OP is in a different and warm country.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 12-Feb-17 17:16:44

"I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money"
It's February. The middle of winter. Heating is not a waste of money, it's pretty essential.

If he's happy with his daughter feeling cold and miserable around him, he shouldn't be surprised if their relationship suffers.

Mrsglitterfairy Sun 12-Feb-17 17:17:48

^Not a toddler, so not an issue.
Little kid blinkers again, I see.^
I agree with this. It seems like you & your dd are just looking for things to pick at him for. What on earth did she have clothing wise for him to say pack a jumper? It's February. I will also tell my dcs to put a dressing gown or similar on if they're cold before I put the heating on. And thinking he is BU for not getting up with a 10 yr old at 7.30 on a weekend, I don't get up with mine at that time and they are 5 & 9. The 5 yr old will watch a DVD in bed until about 8.30 and on the off chance the 9yr old is up that early he will either stay in his room or go down on his own although I can hear him,I don't feel the need to jump out of bed with hkm

largepinot Sun 12-Feb-17 17:17:49

Thanks for the replies.

She has a couple of long sleeved tops, plus a zip up hoodie, which is basically a jumper hmm

The breakfast thing I would expect to get a mixed response tbf. As I said, I don't believe it's unreasonable for a 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes, but she hasn't stayed at his for weeks now, so you'd think he could be arsed to maybe cook her something nice. Something she really likes. I don't think that's an unfair comment, but I know not everyone will agree.

greenfolder Sun 12-Feb-17 17:17:52

It seems bizarre that he has forked out for larger home but won't put heating on.
Breakfast irrelevent

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone Sun 12-Feb-17 17:18:34

Heating is an issue. Its to cold to be without

Breakfast is fine

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Sun 12-Feb-17 17:19:54

I agree the breakfast thing is not an issue. She's ten.

He's being mean about the heating. It has been cold. It is irritating when kids won't put on more clothes before whining how cold they are (not saying she's doing that!)

user1484226561 Sun 12-Feb-17 17:19:56

what is the actual temperature? no one can judge without knowing the actual temperature in the house

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 12-Feb-17 17:20:11

Why won't he put the heating on? Is it a cost issue, or does he genuinely not care?

If he is struggling to afford it, that's one thing, but if he's just being a dick, then that's something else entirely.

YouHadMeAtCake Sun 12-Feb-17 17:20:28

I do wish people would just RTFT! Otherwise why bother to comment? I wouldn't send her, she doesn't even want to go , which I'm not surprised by, hearing all that. He sounds like a total twat. Put another jumper on? Bollocks. Put the heating on you tight arse git.

catcatcatcat Sun 12-Feb-17 17:21:58

I wouldn't send her until he put the heating on. I'm pretty sure any solicitor would agree. (I hang out a lot with my solicitor it seems as my exdp does so many stupid things so I recon I'm right).

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