To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

[largepinot]

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP, YADNBU - Anyone who suggests that the heating being off (even those who say that it could at least have been put on for "an hour" (an hour?? Really? In this weather), is just bonkers, imo.

again, you can't say that, you don't know what the temperature was! if it was over 14, during the day, its fine. That is the accepted minimum for a class room. ( but lower in a dormitory)

Although you could quibble with a soft DD and ask for over 16, but you cannot reasonably expect to demand anything above that.

For all we know, this house could well have been 16 or 17.

Ours was 17 this morning, we have the heating on now, but didn't actually need it until afternoon. Thermostat is set to 18. we are fully dressed, including socks, but not slippers. If any DC said they were cold, I would expect them to put on slippers and an extra jumper.

I don't think the fact that she can get her own breakfast is the point. He doesn't see her that often so should be up before she is and making the bloody effort. Making her a fun breakfast, pancakes maybe. He should not be in bed still. As for letting her be so cold she was crying, that's disgusting behaviour. How many of you would allow that for your own children?!

It sounds like you're both looking for reasons for her not to be there.

You shouldn't be encouraging her to be upset over non-issues.

You think he should have cooked her something special? You can't dictate the bloody food she eats while she's with her father!

Ok, the heating thing might be annoying but she was cold in his old bed, now she's cold in his new place...

Did she ask him to put the heating on? Or did she tell you, and then you went and interfered thus getting his back up?

Oh, and my house is the most ridiculously over-insulated house on the planet so a half hour heating three times a day keeps it warm.

Nobody here knows how cold the house actually is!

If it's only 1 degree a hoodie isn't really sufficient clothing in any case - I agree it isn't kind for him to refuse to put the heating on, but she should have had sensible clothing with her.

The breakfast thing is a non-issue.

It is 1 degree c

inside the house? I doubt it, I think you mean outside, obviously it is significantly colder outside the house than inside it!

Breakfast thing wouldn't bother me but the heating thing would. It's February ffs.

I have two 8-year olds, and I don't get up at 7:30 on a weekend to make them breakfast! I'll leave them each a drink and an apple out to keep them quiet, and then make them breakfast a bit later.

As far as the heating goes - I know what you mean OP. My ex's central heating broke and he's too tight to have it repaired, so his house is freezing. I always wrap the girls up very warmly when they go to his. He does have a little fan heater (although it's usually pointed at his own legs when he's working on his PC, and the girls have to keep themselves warm .

Did he 'choose' a lie-in over breakfast with his DD or had he just not woken up yet? 7.30 is pretty early for a weekend morning. No reason why she can't just chill out on the sofa with a duvet and a bit of TV. My 8 year old is capable of doing that if he wakes up earlier than the rest of us!

He doesn't sound like an uncaring Dad if he was willing to move house so she would feel more comfortable staying there. I don't think at 10 years old you should be telling her that staying with her other parent is her decision or validating her moans about making her own breakfast.

Does your DD know about your fractious relationship with her father? Do you say negative things about him in front of her?

I find it odd that a 10 year old would call you at 7.30am to effectively bitch about her dad without you giving her the opening to do so.

Let your daughter come to her own conclusions about her dad, because if you poison her mind against him, it will come back to bite you in the arse later on.

I agree with you entirely about the heating, but to me your posts suggest you are forcing her view of her father and that is a cruel game to play with an impressionable child.

I wouldn't force her to stay at his if she doesn't want to regardless of the reason.

If my dd had phoned me at 7.30 I wouldn't have been up!

Then, I would have told her that if she had a problem in her dad's house, she should tell her dad.

If your children lived elsewhere and you saw them once a fortnight, would you really not get up to have breakfast together?

Given that you'd miss so many event/special occasions with her?

I tell my DDs to layer up, but he needs to have a heater for her, teen girls often feel the cold more and when they are on their periods etc, so he needs to be responding to her needs, as she grows.

If your DD stayed with you for the first time in weeks, wouldn't you want to eat breakfast with her, and maybe have something a bit more interesting than cereal?

When I stay with mum, we wait to have breakfast together. Making breakfast together and sitting down to eat while having a chat is lovely.

OP's DD was probably disappointed not to have breakfast with her dad rather than moaning about having to have cereal.

I'm really tight about having the heating on and I've had it on 6am-9am & 4pm-8pm plus oil heaters. It's freezing!

I think if you're wearing 2 layers and socks inside and you're still cold then the heating should go on. If you're wearing a vest top and complaining about the cold then put some more clothes on.

You're not being OTT at all.

So, he sees her for 2 days in every 14 ? What's the expectation here ? Turning the tv down, putting the heating on. If she gets up early then getting up briefly when she does, just to ensure she's ok, has what she needs etc. I think that seems reasonable. It's not reasonable if you're more worried about your gf, watching telly, saving money on the heating and wanting a lie-in.

It's a shame your dd doesn't feel she can talk to/ask him about things. But then maybe the way he behaves with her makes her feel this way. Ultimately she'll vote with her feet. Does it have to be EOW? Do you live too far apart for some other arrangement that doesn't involve sleepovers?

Ok, the "she is cold" is a bit subjective as everyone is different. We have this discussions at the office all the time.

My house is very cold. We dont use the heating because we are very remote and the gas tank is so very expensive to fill that we cant afford it. We have a wood burner and we wrap up, I often wear a hat and hand warmers in the house.
I dont really understand cranking the heat up and not wearing a jumper in the winter for those that can and do use heating.
So is it 5 degrees? Way too cold. Is it 12? Then pack more warm clothes.

The breakfast thing. 10
Years old perfectly capable.

However, all this being said, if I only saw my DC once a fortnight I would be making pancakes, waking up early and so on. Because I would want her happy.

So she doesnt want to go there anymore then maybe let him know and he can either make an effort or chose not to in which case it is a shame for DD

But maybe he did plan on doing something special later in the morning, and told her she could have cereal to tide her over.

Maybe he had something special planned for lunch...

The point in, nobody knows that he just didn't give a shit, the dd shouldn't be phoning just to bitch, her mother shouldn't be encouraging it, and she shouldn't be contacting him about his heating without encouraging her dd to actually speak to her father first!

Erm yes, I mean outside.

Bottom line is, she's too cold. Not on. She's not "soft".

The breakfast thing- well, I didn't expect him to get up at that time necessarily, but I wouldn't expect him to expect her to do it herself automatically. I think it's just bloody lazy.

I'm not going to be attacked for packing my daughter off with a long sleeved top and a hoodie and a thick winter coat. That was hardly thoughtless of me. I would have assumed he would have had the heating on.

1 degree external temperature means nothing - it's the indoor temperature that matters and nobody can make a solid judgement on that without knowing things like the age and insulation of the house, the type of heating, and the money your ex has to spend on heating.

(personally i live in a drafty flat with a crappy electric heater that costs a fortune to run and doesn't really get the place warm because the landlord installed it in a spot where there's a draft no matter what i do so it's a waste to turn it on - so i'd lean towards heating being on as unneccesary.)

Next time send the kid with a proper jumper (or two). And good pajamas - a flimsy pajama shirt isn't gonna cut it this time of year but a good dressing gown/bed jacket and some fluffy socks should be fine. A hot water bottle under the blankets is also a much more efficient option than putting the heating on.

OP. I'd send her just not over night. You're not stopping him from seeing her, it's his choice if he puts the heating on for overnight contact or not. He can't force you to make her go, stick to your guns.

If my child hadn't wanted to stay overnight with me for a while, and then had finally agreed to, I'd be pulling out all the stops to make it a nice experience and one she wanted to repeat! Especially if I only saw her once a fortnight. That might include getting my lazy arse out of bed when my child was awake to actually spend time with her.

If it's 1degree outside, and the ex never has his heating on, then the house is going to be bloody cold. And if he's not putting it on because he's still in bed and warm under the duvet then that's completely unreasonable.

He's going to reap what he sows here. She's not going to want to come back and his relationship with her will further deteriorate, because he couldn't be arsed to make an effort to make her feel comfortable.

It's lazy to let a 10 year old help herself to cereal?

You're looking to pick faults with him, and you're encouraging her to do the same.

Which might make you feel better, but you're not doing her any favours.

YANBU to hope that as he only sees her alternate weekends then he might get up and make her some breakfast. Maybe not jump up at 7.30 but perhaps make something nice a bit later. I think if it is her own home then she would most likely be fine doing this.
The heating - my Dad was really tight with heating and it was horrible. It used to be on briefly in my bedroom but if I went out the room for a matter of minutes he would nip in and turn it off. It wasn't nice and so I always make sure my kids rooms are cosy.
The fact that he has 2 big smelly dogs, and a live in GF who she doesn't know very well would make the situation not ideal. Maybe my expectations are too high, but my OH does nice things with the kids at the weekends like get them croissants in for a treat, takes them on nice walks, gets them settled down for a film night with popcorn etc.. So nothing OTT but just nice family things. I don't think it is too much to expect him to make some sort of effort for his DD on the alternate weekends that he sees her. It doesn't have to be expensive, just nice.
I don't think your DD is being 'soft'.

I'm reading some of these responses with a look on my face..

I can't begin to imagine how hard I'd find it being the NRP and I know - know - without a shadow of a doubt I would be spending every possible minute with my DC when they were with me. Breakfast I'd be wanting to do together, a cooked breakfast where we cooked AND spent time together - our 'thing' if you like. I am UTTERLY bewildered at PP's who are like, oh it's no big deal if he wants to stay in bed - this is once a fortnight FFS and his child that he otherwise doesn't see. Whilst I 1000% know and expect my DC to be able to grab themselves some cereal or toast, that sure as hell doesn not translate into what I'd want to be happening on my brief time with them

Vis the heating, sod whatever the legal minimum is, I'd want my DC to be warm and to feel comfortable, to feel safe in their most basic of needs being met and this sounds like the polar opposite of that. DD's 'D'F seems infinitely more invested in his own wants than her needs - her need to see her dad; to not feel uncomfortable (physically or emotionally) in his home; to not lie there alienated by her DF & his GF [& WTF is his GF doing there anyway given this is only once a fortnight and it's by definition contact time]

My Ex can be a dick of monumental proportion, but I know for a fact he at least has the sense to confine that largely to me as opposed to it impacting on his time with DS; that DS and their relationship is what comes first on the limited contact time they have - what even semi-decent parent would not do that?

And OP sending layers and a hoodie is plenty, no clue what planet the rest of you are on insinuating DD's experience at her DF's house are somehow the fault of OP. Great not to see it remains the woman's fault, as if her mothering is at fault if the fathering is selfish & piss poor