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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
frogmellla · 12/02/2017 20:00

Pretty sad the amount of people who are proud that they can't be bothered to get out of bed to feed their own child.

melj1213 · 12/02/2017 20:01

I wouldn't expect my adult guests to make their own breakfast, so why would I expect my DC

Because she isn't a guest.

Because she is more than capable of getting herself breakfast

Because she should be getting "normal" treatment not "special" treatment in her home, whether it's the two weekends a month she spends at home with you or the two weekends at her second home with her dad.

GinIsIn · 12/02/2017 20:02

So he's unemployed and told you he didn't have the heating on because it's too expensive? Then just send her with an extra jumper next time!

GinIsIn · 12/02/2017 20:02

frog you mean like the OP, who admits she wouldn't get up at that time to make breakfast for DD either, just expects her ex to? Hmm

melj1213 · 12/02/2017 20:04

frogmellla Nobody is saying they can't be bothered, that I have seen ... what I have seen are posts from parents who have children who are old enough to get their own ... so if they get up earlier than others in the house, they can get themselves breakfast if they are hungry and can't wait.

It would be one thing if the child was one or two and clearly unable to make themselves something, but the OPs daughter is 10 and perfectly able to make herself some cereal.

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 20:08

He as enough money, just to be clear. He buys enough fags and beer.

Fenella, no, I don't get up at 7.30 every weekend to make breakfast. I get up at 6.45 every week day to get her breakfast and get her ready for school, do everything else for her. If I saw her once a fortnight, I would get out of bed to make her breakfast. Your comparison is ridiculous.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 20:09

it is quite a list, but they are valid points...don't you agree

No I don't agree, it's all nitpicking. You are the one driving these feelings in your DD, stop picking on your ex and provide a bit of support.

MadMags · 12/02/2017 20:10

Just because you would, doesn't mean he's wrong not to.

Different people do different things. Neither is better than the other. And, as I said, you have no idea what he was planning to do.

If he got annoyed about your interference then I don't blame him.

There's every possibility he would have just put the heating on had she asked, instead of receiving criticism from you.

peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 20:11

You've come onto Aibu and most people have said YABU yet you still think your right... says it all really.

Silverdream · 12/02/2017 20:22

The breakfast thing - you're saying you thought he'd want to give her extra special attention because it's her first time staying over. It's doing extra little things to make her feel welcome, nice and comfortable.

She's cold. When you get really cold it takes a hot shower and big socks, jumpers and a nice throw to warm up.

Go get her. If she's unhappy it's no point stretching it out.

. Buy her a cheap throw and fluffy socks to take to his next time.

TwentyCups · 12/02/2017 20:22

Sounds like you don't want your child staying at his, and have encouraged this situation. Every further post you make convinces me more of this.

stitchglitched · 12/02/2017 20:27

Maybe he just wasn't awake at 7.30! Should he have set an alarm or stayed up all night just to make sure he was up when she woke?

I think you need to be very careful about allowing a 10 year old to decide she doesn't want to stay with her Dad just because she isn't totally happy with the way he does things. Maybe one day she won't be happy with a decision you've made. Would you like her Dad to give her permission not to return home to you if she doesn't feel like it?

BubbleWrapQueen · 12/02/2017 20:28

I have to admit, reading this, I can't help but feel you are pushing your daughter towards this dislike of her father's. A 10yr old is perfectly capable of doing their own breakfast and watching the TV quietly at 730am. And I agree about the heating if your DD was just in PJs - I'm very much a chuck on a jumper or a blanket before the heating person. Your ex has moved house to try and make space for your DD, he's trying, and she rings you at 730am and you pander to her, when she should be adjusting to her second home.

Happyelves · 12/02/2017 20:41

Nrtwt BUT one thing that I love about being single is to be able to put the heating on. Even though my sbxhb and I could sit under a duvet there was no way the lo would.

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 20:46

Bubble, you couldn't be more wrong. I have never bad mouthed him in front of my DD. It's been hard at times, don't get me wrong. I try to encourage a good relationship between them, but at times, I question whether I should be doing this.

OP posts:
Bobbybobbins · 12/02/2017 20:48

Not putting the heating on is nuts! Surely a couple of hours wouldn't break the bank??

BubbleWrapQueen · 12/02/2017 20:50

Then you need to step back. There is nothing wrong with her father not getting up with her at 730am on a Sunday. And I hope you told her that, and have just posted here to vent. (God knows I understand the frustration shared parenting with an ex makes) I get so wound up with some of the stuff my kids dad does or doesn't do, but that's because we are different people and ultimately different parents. He has no say in what I do with the kids in my home, so nor do I in his. It's not easy though.

BubbleWrapQueen · 12/02/2017 20:51

Bobby, surely it depends if he has it off at night? My heating is off at night. I turn it on when I getup in the morning. I don't agree with heating the house at night, but that's my preference tbh. My kids are used to a colder house. My mother permantly moans when she's here, but my children and I are used to low heating and cool rooms.

NoSquirrels · 12/02/2017 20:58

You, and me, and a number of others would get up on a weekend if they were the NRP. He didn't- his choice, and you can feel sad and annoyed about it, but it's hardly neglect. Ditto the heating - if she's usually a bit cold at his, then knowing he's been out of work for a month & it's one of the coldest weekends, your DD should have packed really warm stuff - OK she'd not stayed for a while so maybe neither of you thought, but I do think a long sleeved top & a hoodie isn't quite enough when it's 1 degree & snowy. But yes, would've been better if he'd put the heating on.

But if your DD isn't telling him she feels cold, or so lonely at 7 am she needed to call her mum (& then call again later in the day) then is it any wonder he's defensive?

Your DD needs to negotiate her relationship with her dad and you need to support her in being more assertive in stating her needs to him, not phoning up & telling him off.

Easier said than done I know, but you either think the relationship between father and daughter is worth working on, or you don't. At 10, you need to be in advisory capacity, not fixing it for her by getting in the middle of it, surely?

Booshbeesh · 12/02/2017 21:25

Im shocked at the people on here who seem to think a 10 yr old who sees her dad once every two weeks is waking up alone and eating breakfast alone is ok? Surely any caring adult who saw there child 2 times a frikin month would WANT to eat breakfast with his daughter? And help her make breakfast something special.maybe pancakes or something hot. Not a bowl of god damn cereal alone in the cold. Ur poor baby girl no.wonder she hates staying there. And to top it off not only is she eating alone but shes freezing aswell whilst shes gulping down her cold milk. Top dad.

SoupDragon · 12/02/2017 21:28

Pretty sad the amount of people who are proud that they can't be bothered to get out of bed to feed their own child.

Yep. I'm proud that I've managed to raise 3 independent children who are capable of getting their own breakfast. I'm not sure what your point is. Confused

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 21:31

Boosh, I think you've basically summed it up. I had a few tears reading that. That's exactly what happened, however you paint it.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 12/02/2017 21:33

Stop nitpicking and provide a bit of support?!!! Ffs ive heard it all now

The op is the RP. The ex the every other weekend dad. Why the fuck cant he step up and put more of an effort in. Why is up to the op to provide hot water bottles etc.

Jesus Christ some these replies scream misogyny. Its never the poor menz fault is it.....

Ignore op.

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 21:38

Soup, it's not hard to teach a child to put cereal in a bowl and add milk. I think getting up earlier than you'd like and to make breakfast with your DC is something to be proud of more.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 12/02/2017 21:42

I don't think a 10 yr old who sees her dad every 2 weeks waking up cold & alone is "OK" but I do think it is the reality of separated parenting that you have to basically learn to accept that you cannot make the other parent do what you want them to. And that's probably related to the reasons you're not parenting together any more.

Can't tell from OP if the daughter & dad have a crap relationship because he's a bad parent, or because they haven't figured it out between them yet, or if the OP is too involved, or if the DD is whingeing. It's not clear.

OP, fine to feel cross & angry but be sure you're helping not interfering.

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