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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
Badhairday1001 · 15/02/2017 22:37

I hate wrapping up in my house, if I'm cold I put the heating on, if my kids are cold they put the heating on. I don't have heating restrictions because it's nice to be warm and cosy. There is nothing more miserable than sitting at home with your extremities freezing, I know because my dad would refuse to put the heating on when we were kids and it was shit.

BabychamSocialist · 16/02/2017 01:18

I don't think my parents ever made breakfast for me after I was 10 until I was about 25 and with DP. They were just too busy and when they wanted to lie in, I left them to it because they'd been working long hours to put food on the table.

In a way I can see his point about the heating but he probably should put it on. Why is she getting up so bloody early? Does she not lie in ever?

AnnaT45 · 16/02/2017 01:47

You're not being unreasonable. I totally see where you're coming from re getting up with her for breakfast. It's her first night in a new home and they don't see each other often. If he was up at 5 everyday to work I could see it but if he's not working then why does he need to sleep in? 7.30 is hardly early anyway?

Re the heating. I can't believe some people think this is ok. It's freezing some days! I wonder how people would feel if their kids' schools didn't have heating for example?! He really needs to put it on for a couple of hours once a fortnight in the winter.

BubbleWrapQueen · 16/02/2017 08:05

Badhairday - everyone is different though. I Hate the warm and cosy feeling. So does DP. We have heating yes, but are the kind of house where others comment that it's cold - but DSs and I are fine. I like it cool, always have done. We had a lodger once who when I came home had the heating up to nearly 30, and was sitting in a t-shirt. I went ballistic, it's a complete waste and feels suffocating to me. The heating barely goes above 20 here - indeed even though it's half term it's not on on the day today. My mum will moan later, so I might stick it on for an hour for her.

Bantanddec · 16/02/2017 10:48

Yes he should put the heating on if it is cold.
However I think it's a sad state if affairs that your daughter seeks your approval through slagging her dad off and nit picking.

Original poster
largepinot · 16/02/2017 11:15

Bant, if you bother to read the thread, you'll see my DD hasn't and doesn't slag her dad off Hmm

OP posts:
amispartacus · 16/02/2017 11:19

That is exactly what I want

I hope that this thread has helped you find some solutions to how the situation can be resolved so your DD feels more secure going to her Dad's house.

noeffingidea · 16/02/2017 13:08

livia so what if it was only one morning? That's the timespan she was there for. The fact is that he was happy for his own daughter to feel cold (and therefore uncomfortable) when he could easily have remedied it.
I do agree some people overheat their homes so they can sit around in bare feet and vest tops in the middle of winter, however the fact that the OP's child took long sleeved tops and a hoodie to wear indicates she wasn't expecting that level of heating, presumably just a low level to take the chill off.
Again, a completely normal expectation in the UK in 2017. Along with having enough to eat, having an indoor bathroom, etc etc.
It's not the 60's or 70's anymore, when many of us had to rough it. The standard of living generally has risen to a more comfortable level.

glitterazi · 20/02/2017 22:29

Fark me, MN is ridiculous sometimes!
Every now and then I get the sneaking feeling that some of the people on these boards don't like women very much - or children. Some of you seem to be positively gleeful on threads where you read about a woman or child in distress - particularly a female child.
I am sure there are plenty more big hairy bollocks hanging around on these threads than anyone would admit to.

Nope, still got a fanjo and boobies. I honestly cannot understand why people post for opinions and then take the huff when they also get the opposite view posted as well.
I'm definitely female and a mum, and have very well cared for and loved kids, but how the hell is it neglect or whatever to not have the heating whacked on 24/7?
Maybe it was set to kick in at 8am or something.
Why is she ringing you to say she's cold at half past seven? Surely you'd just wrap yourself in your duvet and whack the telly on with your bowl of cereal or something at the age of 10!
Maybe Dad was going to get up at 9 and sort breakfast out for all you knew. Didn't really get much of a chance though, did he?
7.30's early on a weekend.

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