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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
Owllady · 14/02/2017 16:21

Regarding the old days and people not having heating. I lived in a house with my children with no heating for several years.
We still lit a fire, hot water bottles, a heater if necessary, extra blankets :( there are other things you can do to keep warm. If my daughter was so cold she couldn't sleep I'd feel pretty wretched tbh.
My ten year old would have helped himself to crap (crisps, chocolate etc) for breakfast :o
They are still only little

itsmine · 14/02/2017 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 10:12

Livia, I don't doubt he loves our DD, but he just has messed up priorities. I am starting to think that DD wasn't his number one reason for moving. Apparently they're getting another dog...

OP posts:
BadKnee · 15/02/2017 10:50

Really you need, for her sake to be making it as pleasant as possible for her to stay there. It is not in her interests to lose the relationship with her father.

She will play you. It gets a reaction and she can then stay home every weekend. Once she knows she has to go and if you make it as nice as possible - and get you ex onside - then she can start to enjoy it.

Ask him about the heating, but pack clothes and maybe stuff to amuse herself, (books, phone?) and maybe a soft thermal throw thing for her to snuggle under on the bed/the sofa - they are light and soooo warm. Make it special for her and show you want her to enjoy her special time with dad and I bet her attitude will change.

At the moment she gets approval from you for saying that Daddy isn't up to scratch. (My DS did this - still does sometimes. He'd tell me stories of ex's bad behaviour that fed my own anger/sense of self righteousness! )Grin

KeepKeepingOn · 15/02/2017 11:43

Why would a child have to go to any parent if they don't want to? It's not for the op to make visiting her dad a pleasant experience that's his job.

My ex is another lazy parent and for now my ds' are just about happy to still visit, the day they realise their life with me is much more pleasant and stop wanting to visit their dad that's ok with me.

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 12:41

Bad, but surely he has to take some responsibility, no? It can't be right that I sort out everthing and he just continues with the substandard parenting. Not for my sake, but for my DDs. She will be far more damaged to discover later in life that actually her dad was a bit rubbish.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/02/2017 12:55

Of course he has to take some responsibility. Plus, I think it a bad lesson to teach young girls that it's women's work to take care of men. She's already looking after his feelings ...

noeffingidea · 15/02/2017 12:55

Livia I grew up in a very cold house (think ice on the windows in the morning), my parents suffered terribly with rheumatism as a result. Cold weather in the UK usually means damp weather, and it does cause health issues for some people.
Not being able to afford heating can be painful, sometimes my feet hurt because I can't afford to heat my home as much as I would like. I still do my best to make it as warm as I can when my daughter is at home, because that's what caring parents do. They don't just say 'heating is a waste of money' and let their kids suffer.
I thought that would go without saying on a parenting forum, but obviously not. Confused

amispartacus · 15/02/2017 13:05

largepinot

What do you want from this thread? Are you just using it to let off steam or are you hoping to get advice on handling this situation?

peggyundercrackers · 15/02/2017 13:10

It can't be right that I sort out everything and he just continues with the substandard parenting.

its only your opinion its substandard, as ive said before hes her dad and can do what he likes - its fuck all to do with you.

KeepKeepingOn · 15/02/2017 13:18

ts only your opinion its substandard, as ive said before hes her dad and can do what he likes - its fuck all to do with you.

HAHA you can't be serious right?! as the primary carer it is everything to do with the OP. Being biologically related to someone doesn't give them free reign if the treatment of that person is below what the OP expects and sets herself for her child. The child's rights and opinions go way and above the ex's.

amispartacus · 15/02/2017 13:21

to someone doesn't give them free reign if the treatment of that person is below what the OP expects and sets herself for her child

Isn't that a debate about expectations? What if a HYPOTHETICAL NRP has 'better' expectations than the RP and tells them that their parenting is substandard?

CrazyPebbles · 15/02/2017 13:27

I used to hate staying with my father.

He had very smelly dogs, he would stay up really late and I couldn't sleep, I woke up at about 7/7.30 and would spend 2-3hours alone in the house with the smelly dogs bored out of my head. As there was only so much stuff I could take with me I never knew if I should wake him up or be quiet, as the dogs scared me a bit. His house was never my home, his house was a place I visited a couple of times.

I was always on my best behaviour when I saw my father because I desperately wanted a relationship with him, I didn't feel like I could complain, I was worried in my little child head he wouldn't want to see me anymore, so I told my mum. Eventually he remarried, moved and then couldn't even visit me because of his dogs.

I expect on some level he cared about me, maybe even loved me but he was 100% a shit parent with no clue on how to look after a 10 year old little girl.

I didn't want to go, I don't think you should make your daughter go, yes she can make her own breakfast once in a while, yes she could put on a jumper but I expect the reason she doesn't want to go is that she is actually bored out of her mind in a cold house that feels nothing like home.

Yes there are good NRP's, if as a poster your with one, great but don't think they are all like that as they most certainly are not - this one is not.

I feel for you OP, and for what it is worth I am a step-mother to a RP, the children's mother is much the same as you describe and it's horrible to see children desperately wanting to spend time with a parent who can't even be arsed to do that once a fortnight. (In our case 19 months and counting, always too busy)

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 14:14

Peggy, I couldn't disagree with a statement more. Are there no exceptions with your ludicrous view?

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 15/02/2017 14:29

Noeffing I grew up in that kind of house too - my bedroom faced north so it was always freezing. I didn't think that was comparable to one morning with no heating though.

OP Read your update, so he's trying to say its for your DD's benefit but its because he wants another dog? He's an arse for that!

peggyundercrackers · 15/02/2017 14:34

I couldn't disagree with a statement more

he can parent how he wants, just because you have high expectations doesn't mean he has to.

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 14:47

Livia, I've just found out they're getting another dog, so I'm starting to wonder.

peggy, "high expectations"? Ha! You call not wanting my child to be freezing, or feel ignored, having high expectations?! Wow.

OP posts:
KeepKeepingOn · 15/02/2017 17:19

Isn't that a debate about expectations? What if a HYPOTHETICAL NRP has 'better' expectations than the RP and tells them that their parenting is substandard?

Then I would expect the hypothetical NRP to take his concerns up with the RP, you can't just say to yourself 'oh well that's their parent too so none of my business how they treat the child'

Most people have a good grasp of what being a good parent entails and can tell if the other parent is parenting to a decent standard.

I would ignore any responses from peggy tbh OP, they are on the wind up surely

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 18:43

Keep, yes, probably. What do people get from doing that? Very odd.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 15/02/2017 18:58

It's a way of life for some people!

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 19:16

Yes, what a waste of energy.

OP posts:
KeepKeepingOn · 15/02/2017 19:30

large obviously this is entertainment for some people, sad really.

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 22:05

It is.

OP posts:
amispartacus · 15/02/2017 22:16

I hope you all manage to sort the situation out and that your DD feels more able to go see her Dad and feels secure in the home. I think that's what you want for her - based on what you have said on here - and I hope that's what your ex wants as well.

Original poster
largepinot · 15/02/2017 22:26

That is exactly what I want.

OP posts: