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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
holidaysaregreat · 12/02/2017 17:58

I or OH get up to make our kids breakfast about 8ish at the weekend, then I go back to bed and read while they watch TV and entertain themselves. If I only saw them 2 days out of 14 I would make much more effort - especially if I knew they already weren't keen on coming.

MadMags · 12/02/2017 17:59

& WTF is his GF doing there anyway given this is only once a fortnight and it's by definition contact time

Didn't OP say he was engaged, just like she is?

So, OP, does your fiance keep his distance when DD is at home with you?

user1484226561 · 12/02/2017 18:00

Bottom line is, she's too cold. Not on.

that is not the bottom line really, the house could be 19 or 20, and some children would still complain they were too cold!

Armadillostoes · 12/02/2017 18:01

YANBU-some of the responses on this thread have been absurd. Refusing to heat the house in February is terrible. I would be miserable if I had to stay in an unheated house at this time of year.

I also see where you are coming from about breakfast. If I had an adult family member or a close friend staying with me, I'd want to get up when they did (if I wasn't out of bed already) to get them breakfast. It's not that they couldn't do it for themselves, or that I would mind them doing things in my kitchen, but I'd want to make them feel cared for and it seems like a nice thing to do. Why does this logic not apply equally to a 10 year old?

Also, surely both parents have a responsibility to make sure that she has appropriate clothing? I'm aware that the OP did send her with appropriate clothes in any event, but surely this isn't solely down to her.

nicenewdusters · 12/02/2017 18:04

As far as we know the OP's ex lives in a modern building with walls, a roof etc. It's not that big. It's also not in the Arctic. It seems reasonable therefore that the OP didn't pack her dd off with thermal wear suitable for scaling Mount Everest.

It's not a weekend survival course, she's visiting her dad ! It's winter, it's early morning, putting the heating on isn't an "out there" request. The fact that the dd had to phone rather than go and speak to her dad is, I think, the issue here. The OP is not responsible for managing the relationship between her dd and ex.

RhiWrites · 12/02/2017 18:06

It's not 'soft' to be cold.

OP, really her dad should be sorting this but since he hadn't I suggest you get her some warmer clothes

  • wool tights, wool leggings or fleece lined tracks bottoms will all be warm additions
  • a wooly jumper or fleece lined hoody (hoodies vary, some of mine aren't warm at all)
  • fleecy onesie, they're popular and cosy and will be nice to snuggle up in
  • warm PJs if she hadn't already got them
  • hot water bottle (and teach her how to make one safely herself)
  • fingerless gloves

I know this sounds like knitting her out for the artic but it horrible being cold and warmth is psychological isn't it? As well as physical.

Maybe she feels cold not just because it is cold but because she also feels strange, lonely and a bit homesick. Snugly clothes will help her feel at home as well as warm.

God, her dad should have considered all this though. He does sound rather cold himself.

SoupDragon · 12/02/2017 18:06

It sounds like you're both looking for reasons for her not to be there

This is what I thought TBH.

BorrowedHeart · 12/02/2017 18:08

Just putting it out there, maybe since getting a bigger house he just can't really afford the heating, many people do without heating and just wrap up or dress warm, maybe even if he just puts her bedroom heater on and the front room while she is there. Trying talking to him.

user1484226561 · 12/02/2017 18:09

we've been perfectly fine without heating for years at a time in the past.

GeorgeTheHamster · 12/02/2017 18:09

What an arsehole. Of course the sodding heating should be on.

She's going to vote with her feet as soon as she can, isn't she.

Send her a hot water bottle next time and show her how to use it (not kettle water).

Jeanstootight · 12/02/2017 18:12

It's bloody freezing we have the fire and heating on at no and blankets on the sofa. If I only saw my son one weekend a fortnight I'd be up at the crack of dawn to spend every last second I could with him. It was 730. It's not like your Dd was up at 5 Your ex is a twat and be happy you divorced the self centrered twat!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/02/2017 18:13

Borrowed I suggested that but who knows?

Fwiw I grew up without heating in a house so cold there was literally ice on the inside of my bedroom window. Not saying that's great but crying with cold?

It sounds like your DD has worked out how to play you off against each other - your ex moved to a bigger house to accommodate her visits and now she doesn't want to stay anyway.

Willyoujustbequiet · 12/02/2017 18:15

Some of these responses Hmm

Yanbu and you certainly don't come across as looking for reasons to pick at him. Its EOW for crying out loud he could put the heating on for a bit.

I wouldnt send her if shes unhappy and crying with the cold. Hes being an arse.

Jeanstootight · 12/02/2017 18:15

Oh and if he wants his DD to have warmer clothing he can shift his tight arse and go and buy one from a shop

EllenJanethickerknickers · 12/02/2017 18:18

Bloody hell, I'm the resident parent for my boys and they spend EOW with their dad. They've been helping themselves to cereal every morning for years, mych younger than 10. No way am I missing a lie in on a weekend for a child who still gets up at the crack of dawn. 7.30 is still night time on a Saturday. My heating comes on at 7.00am on a weekday and 8.30am on a weekend. Surely that's just normal economising? Who leaves their heating on all night?

Send her with a jumper or tell ExH to buy her a dressing gown.

My exH insists the whole family have breakfast together on his w/e. My 19yo DS1 and 17yo DS2 are not impressed, but when they're with him, it's his decision. You'll have to come to terms with the fact that you parent differently. Not better or worse, differently. Having a relationship with her dad is much more important than petty problems over breakfast and the thermostat.

temporarilyjerry · 12/02/2017 18:19

I read the whole thread waiting to say that, Jeanstootight. Can't believe you got in before me.

He should buy her a jumper as he is, you know, her parents.

Livelovebehappy · 12/02/2017 18:25

Classic example of a child of divorced parents playing them off against each other. Sounds like OP probably quizzes her DD on what's been happening over the weekend whilst she's been with her DF then OP picking faults with things. Kids can be very manipulative, and it seems DD is being encouraged to 'report' any perceived wrongs by DF. I'm guessing if reversed, and DF had got out of bed at 7.30 and woke DD up to get out of bed, then he would have been criticised for waking her up. Most people don't have their heating on all day and night, but just at intervals, so chances are she would have been cold at periods even if he had the heating on for the odd couple of hours anyway.

nicenewdusters · 12/02/2017 18:27

Yes, people, like my parents, did grow up without central heating, and they say they were bloody freezing. So we're lucky to have central heating - but if you don't turn it on, even for an hour, you might as well go back to the 1950s. I hear we used to have cholera as well ..............

This is about making an effort and putting others before yourself. It's not about the OP having to second guess lax parenting. And yes, he can buy the onesie, slippers, dressing gown, gloves, blanket.......

JassyRadlett · 12/02/2017 18:28

The thing with feeling cold is that it can be pretty relative, depending on what you're used to. So if OP's daughter is used to a warm house, sleeping without wearing a dressing gown to bed, etc etc, then regardless of the absolute temp of her dad's place then she'll probably feel cold without the heating on.

Just like the number of soft buggers people I see on Mumsnet who moan about the heat every time it goes over 28 degrees, and suggest that taking kids on holiday where it's 33' plus is tantamount to child abuse.

I grew up in a farmhouse in a part of Australia where it's hot in summer (45' today - that's a record, though) but drops below freezing in winter. No insulation, timber walls, and the only heat came from a fireplace in the living room or an oil radiator in the kitchen. We were fine - chilly, but fine - but our Swiss exchange student said she'd never been so cold.

These days, I'm so spoilt by central heating in Britain that the thought of winter at my parents' makes me weep, even though they have better heating (and thankfully aircon) these days. It's largely what you're accustomed to.

BorrowedHeart · 12/02/2017 18:33

You make a great point jassy I find my mums house way to warm and stuffy, but that's down to my house being cooler and I love an open window no matter the weather lol. In fact ops daughter would probably cry at mine if her mum has the heating on a lot.

BakeOffBiscuits · 12/02/2017 18:35

"The house could be 19 or 20" hey? When it's 1 degrees outside? I don't think so!

OP of course he's being a twat. It's February, the middle of winter and it's bloody freezing.

I think you should listen to your DD OP. She doesn't want to stay with her father, don't make her!

Witchend · 12/02/2017 18:35

Heating does depend.
My df keeps his at 13 degrees. It doesn't go on between March and October. His is timed to cone on once they're up at 8am. It doesn't go on out of timer for anything. We were used to that as children, and I don't remember feeling too bad, as we learnt to dress for it.
We keep ours at about 20. It comes on overnight, and clicks off by 9am. If it feels cold and we're home I will stick it on again.
Even considering the difference my dc sometimes say at home they're freezing. More likely if they are already moaning about something.
If I feel fine I will tell them to stick a jumper on.

10yo is plenty old enough to get their own breakfast. Our rule at weekends os they can get up quietly at 7, if they want breakfast they do it themselves until 8.30 when they can ask. That's from when they're 5yo.
Cooked breakfast is a rarity, for a special occasion.
At 10yo dd1 was capable of making them all porridge for breakfast in the microwave. Dd2 used to sometimes cook bacon and eggs for them (particularly if dd1 was there to do eggs, as breaking eggs with one hand is quite difficult) at 10yo.

holidaysaregreat · 12/02/2017 18:38

I don't think it is just the heating not being on that is making her feel unwelcome tbh. She didn't want to stay with him before the heating issue. Maybe she just doesn't enjoy going there? Why can't kids have an opinion about where they prefer to stay? He is also the parent and should provide her with a jumper/onesie or perhaps a hot water bottle and electric blanket. Back in the 1950s when people didn't have central heating they would have hot water bottle, and perhaps some sort of coal fire. Not have no warmth at all. I can't believe the harsh replies on here saying she needs to just suck it up. He needs to make an effort.

MadMags · 12/02/2017 18:39

I think people think he should be acting as though his dd is a guest, as opposed to her being in her second home.

Yet, isn't everyone always going on about how NR children should feel that the NRP's home is home, too?

holidaysaregreat · 12/02/2017 18:40

witchend your house sounds like fun :(