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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
iMatter · 12/02/2017 18:42

It was her first time in her father's new house and he a) couldn't be bothered to get up when she got up and b) was too tight to make sure she was warm.

Really really shitty imo.

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2017 18:42

The fact that he has bought a house specifically for her speaks volumes to me. It doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care.

The heating - none of us know how warm the house was.

But I found the way you wrote and the fact that she called you at 7.30 to chat about him, distasteful tbh. Like you're conspiring against him tbh.

nicenewdusters · 12/02/2017 18:47

I suspect he moved into a larger property as he is now engaged and has 2 large dogs. Not much on this thread so far suggests it had anything to do with his dd who visits twice a month.

JassyRadlett · 12/02/2017 18:48

Yet, isn't everyone always going on about how NR children should feel that the NRP's home is home, too?

In that case he should pick up the bill for his choice not to have the heating on. The OP may well have chosen to spend the money to have the heating on rather than on extra clothes to wear around a cold house. Her ex has made a different choice, but he shouldn't expect her to pick up the bill to compensate for the house being uncomfortably cold for his daughter.

MadMags · 12/02/2017 18:56

But you have absolutely no idea whether he even knew his dd was cold or not!

Until OP contacted him.

That would bother me, in his position, and would probably make me defensive. I would be wondering why DD didn't just mention that she was a bit cold.

It sounds like DD tells OP every little detail, and OP rushes in to pull him up on it, instead of letting him parent his own child during his contact.

I wouldn't take too kindly to an ex telling me how warm my house should be, if he had no idea how warm it actually was.

And I wouldn't be encouraging my 10 year old to phone me at 7.30 to tell tales because she had to have cereal for breakfast.

There's a lot of talk of "his GF" so I would ask the question again: does OP ship off her fiance when her DD is at home and if not, why should her dad do so?

melj1213 · 12/02/2017 18:57

YABU - your daughter clearly knows how to play you against her dad, ringing at 7:30 crying about the cold and the lack of breakfast is not on - if she has an issue she needs to bring it up with her dad, not phone you straight away. If she had got back from this weekend and then said "I was cold and he slept in" you could address the issues for his next weekend visit - including things your daughter could do to help herself - but by putting him on the spot, no wonder he got defensive and wasn't receptive to your demands.

On the breakfast front, - if he's not up at 7:30 to cook her a breakfast so what? That is not him being unreasonable to the point it's alright your daughter thinks it's okay to call you to whine about it! For all you know, he initially planned to do a nice breakfast or something special later on when he got up at a reasonable time, but told her to help herself to something when she got up so she wasn't hungry. 7:30 is early - we get up at 7 on weekdays but at weekends we often have a lie in until 9 o'clock, possibly even 9:30! If anyone wants to get up early, they're more than welcome to make themselves something and then when I get up we have a nice cooked breakfast (occasionally we even go out for brunch or something) but if my DD was to whine about having to wait until I got up for her nice breakfast, then she'd get cereal or toast like every other morning.

My DD spends weekends with her dad and she complained for a while because it was cold at her dad's house ... he lives in a 3 bed semi on the outskirts of town, surrounded by open land, and we live in a 2 bed mid terrace in town surrounded by other streets - because of the location, his house doesn't get insulated by other properties and it takes longer to heat (not to mention is far more expensive to have the heating on all the time) plus he prefers his house to be kept at a cooler temperature than mine is so only has the heating set to come on for an hour every morning, then he adjusts it as required on an ad hoc basis. Our house is never cold but even I don't put the heating on unless I'm still cold after putting an extra layer on - I've lost track of the number of times my DD has said she's cold while wandering around with no shoes on and just a long sleeved top ... I don't put the heating on, I tell her to put on slippers and a jumper!

Now that my DD knows that things are done differently at dad's house, she knows to make sure that she has an extra jumper, her thick slipper socks and her warm PJs and/or fleecy onesie packed when she spends the weekend, so that she always has extra to hand in case she's still cold or can't find the ones she has at his house. She also knows to make sure her fleece blanket is on her bed or at least in the room as an extra layer in case she gets cold in the night - her dad has a tendency to put her blanket away somewhere if he's tidied up/done washing etc but not always remember where he put it.

3littlebadgers · 12/02/2017 18:57

I feel sorry for DD. I cannot imagine putting my own needs before that of my own child who I only get to see one every two weeks. I would have been out of bad as soon as I heard her up and savoured every minute with her. If I needed to keep the heating bill down I would have gone out and made sure I had the provisions to keep her warm in other ways. Charity shops have lovely things for next to nothing. Why should the op pay for his choices?

MadMags · 12/02/2017 18:59

Maybe he didn't hear her up?

JassyRadlett · 12/02/2017 19:06

But you have absolutely no idea whether he even knew his dd was cold or not!

Until OP contacted him.

...at which point he decided it was OP's problem to deal with, not his. There are two ways he could take responsibility for the impact of his choice on his daughter - buy some 'dad's house' warm clothes, or put the heating on for a few hours when she's there. He chose instead to shove responsibility for his daughter's comfort when she's at his house - as you say, supposed to be her second home - on OP.

Maybe he was pissed off with OP. Fine. Still shitty to shrug off your own parenting responsibilities.

melj1213 · 12/02/2017 19:07

I don't think it is just the heating not being on that is making her feel unwelcome tbh. She didn't want to stay with him before the heating issue. Maybe she just doesn't enjoy going there?

But if she won't say why or isn't asked then they can't address it. It could be as simple as "It's too cold and noisy" or it could be more complex eg that that she has nightmares because she's in an unfamiliar place but feels too embarrassed/scared to go to her dad in the night for comfort ... nobody knows if it's something with a simple solution or something much bigger if they don't ask or she doesn't say.

MadMags · 12/02/2017 19:14

I just gather that the OP picks at him a lot. Nothing is good enough. And her dd is now doing the same. Encouraged by OP.

I'd say he went "well, then send a jumper" as he got a call during his limited access time, to tell him what he was doing wrong. And instead of his dd speaking to him about it, he had to find out from OP.

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 19:25

To those of you you saying that I'm being "distasteful" Hmm or basically looking for problems, I'm not. I just want our DD to feel safe, warm and wanted. Does that make me neurotic?...

I don't get up at 7.30 at the weekends to make breakfast either! But if I saw my DD once every two weeks, I think I might make the effort!

OP posts:
madcatwoman61 · 12/02/2017 19:25

So now you know the house is cold, send her with warmer night clothes, a thicker jumper and perhaps a hot water bottle. I know I am extremely ancient, but I grew up in a house without central heating, as did many people of my generation. It's hardly child abuse. Just dress her appropriately! And ask her father to find her an extra blanket

MadMags · 12/02/2017 19:28

Did your dd speak to her dad about being cold?

Did you tell her that she should speak to her dad about problems, and not immediately phone you?

iLoveCamelCase · 12/02/2017 19:33

YABU about breakfast. And so are PPs. Just because YOU think your ex-DP should jump out of bed at 7.30am on a Sunday morning to cook for your DD does not mean he is unreasonable for not doing so, for goodness sake. Everything should NOT suddenly change in her DF's home just because she is there. We don't know how much quality time he spends with her but to judge him for not getting up at 7.30am to cook for her is just ridiculous and so typical of RPs who think they have the right to judge an NRP. He is not being neglectful or abusive so let him get on with being her dad however he sees fit in his time with her. If you were concerned about neglect or abuse, then ofc that is different, but you're not. You should absolutely not be enabling her to collude against her DF just because things are done differently there. I'm glad you put your foot down over her not wanting to stay in his new home. Re the heating - my house is also cold at 7.30am... This is normal. My son comes down and says he is cold. The heating comes on around then and it is warmer within about half an hour but I certainly wouldn't be expecting anyone to tell me I shouldn't have him overnight in my home (where he lives) because sometimes it is cold?! Stop judging her DF because he doesn't meet your standards and stop enabling DD to judge him too. I would put the heating on if my DS was cold. But I wouldn't judge someone else for not doing so. Grab a sweater and a duvet and snuggle in it. You had a child with this man, you are presumably not concerned that he is abusive or neglectful in any way or you wouldn't send her at all - you have to let go of her experience at his home and support him in being her father. You cannot - and rightly so - control this. Withholding overnight contact over these issues would not be acceptable and wouldn't go down well with the family courts if it came to that either...

melj1213 · 12/02/2017 19:34

OP you aren't helping by saying "I just want her to be warm, safe and wanted ... and expect her dad to do more than I do just because he has limited time with her."

Yes he should be using his access time to spend as much time with his daughter as possible but FFS he's allowed a lie in and to keep his house cooler than yours!

It's his first overnight in a while, maybe he just didn't hear her get up that early or anticipate she'd be up that early (because to call you at 7:30 means she was up before that unless she called the second she woke up, which would be even worse as she hasn't even given him a chance to do anything) and he's used to a lie in at the weekend. It doesn't make him a terrible person to not want to be up and doing fancy breakfasts etc to impress his DD ... his house is supposed to be her second home, so he's treating her as if she was at home, not like a guest, and in my house that means "Get your own breakfast if you're up early and if you're cold put a jumper on".

Bahh · 12/02/2017 19:34

I think I can remember two or three glorious occasions my dad ever put the heating on in our house when I was a kid. Standard response to us complaining it was cold was to put more clothes on. Dont see that as a big deal. We really didn't have a lot of money though.

Also don't see sleeping in as a big deal. It's his weekend too, presumably he works. Excessively late into morning or afternoon is pretty shit though and begs the question does she need to sleep overnight if that time isn't being utilised.

I do think she's far too young to make the decision for herself whether she's going to see him though. He probably is being a bit crap but he's her dad and as long as he's not actually abusing her surely she can only benefit from having him in her life regularly.

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 19:34

Mad, what are you talking about? "Nothing is good enough" ? Nothing?! Where are you getting this from? You haven't got a clue.

Him not putting on the heating in this weather when my DD is cold isn't good enough, no. How is that me saying that nothing he does is good enough?..

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 12/02/2017 19:38

Sorry but yabu about everything.

As for breakfast, just because he only sees her two weekends out of four doesn't mean he should be jumping out of bed at 07:30 to make her breakfast. She should realise that most people aren't up at 07:30 so shouldn't expect braksfast at that time.

If your dd was up at 07:30 I would expect the house was cold as the heating is generally off overnight, houses are colder in the morning. Tell her to pack a dressing gown or get a blanket so she can watch to or something until everyone else gets up at a reasonable time - 07:30 is not a reasonable time at the weekend if you have nothing on.

Maybe she can get an electric blanket to help warm the bed for 30 mins or so before she gets in it?

MadMags · 12/02/2017 19:40

Did your dd tell him she was cold?

It doesn't sound like anything is good enough.

His flat was too small, his bed was uncomfortable, his flat was cold, his house is cold, his cereal isn't good enough. he talks to his fiancee too loudly...

Perhaps not "nothing" but that's quite a list, don't you agree?

arethereanyleftatall · 12/02/2017 19:49

We don't know his financial situation op, but if he's just spent all his money on a house so that she stays with him; from his pov it can't have been nice hearing 'it's too cold and I had to tip my own cheerios in to a bowl' as her response to her first visit.

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 19:52

Mad, it is quite a list, but they are valid points...don't you agree?

Just to clarify, my DD was telling me she was too cold this afternoon. Also, she didn't call whingeing about making her own breakfast, she just said she was and that her dad told her last night to make it herself in the morning.

Also, he hasn't worked (not by choice tbf) for the last month, so I think he could have dragged himself out of bed to make her breakfast! I wouldn't expect my adult guests to make their own breakfast, so why would I expect my DC, whom I only see once a fortnight maximum, to make theirs. Just because she physically can, doesn't mean she should.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/02/2017 19:53

If you don't get up at 7.30 to get her breakfast, why is she expecting her father to? It sounds like the poor child has you wanting information from her

MadMags · 12/02/2017 19:54

She's not like your adult guests, because she's not a guest surely?

And no, I don't think they are valid points whatsoever. I think they are nitpicking because you don't like him. And I think your dd is doing the same thing.

Boiing · 12/02/2017 20:00

Yanbu. He's supposed to look after her. The issue is that she is so cold she can't sleep and is crying, so that is a problem for her which he is failing to fix. OP when speaking to your ex, try to move the conversatation away from things like "It is February and you should have the heating on you tight fool" (although I agree with that!) to "DD is unable to sleep because of the temperature. Are you able to fix that for her so she can stay, or does she need to sleep elsewhere until Spring?"