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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
user1484226561 · 12/02/2017 17:23

if its below 14 during the day, YANBU (obviously it can go lower at night) if it's above 16 YABU. If it between 14-16, neither of you are being unreasonable, just you have different judgements.

OuchLegoHurts · 12/02/2017 17:24

I think it's very hard for a child to sleep in a new house where her Dad and girlfriend can be heard talking and watching tv while she's trying to sleep. That would have totally thrown me out of my comfort zone when i was a child, for a start. The breakfast wouldn't be any issue for me, if she was happy there, she'd be happy to mooch around in the morning and watch tv etc. However between the newness of the living arrangements, the noise at night and the heating, I would also hate to think of my daughter over there.

BarbarianMum · 12/02/2017 17:24

I cook my kids a nice breakfast every Sunday. Not at 7.30am though!

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/02/2017 17:24

If he went to the trouble and expense of getting a bigger place he's not uncaring or that stingy. But it sounds like he has some difficulty empathising with his daughter, which is probably harder if he only sees her once a fortnight. Could you perhaps suggest to him he talks with his mum about what would help him improve the situation so she wants to stay with him?

The letting her get breakfast on her own is not unreasonable by itself, but I can see how it could look like he's not making the most of their time together and how she could perhaps find it unwelcoming. Especially in a new place and if she doesn't have a lot of her own stuff there to make her feel at home.

I was also a bit Hmm that it would be this cold and you didn't pack a jumper, but he should still have been adapting to her needs while she was there, not just shrugging his shoulders because you hadn't packed one (and who knows if a jumper would have been enough anyway if she was that cold).

hopelesslycynical · 12/02/2017 17:24

If someone called me at 7:30am I'd expect it to be an emergency, not someone moaning about having to get their own breakfast Hmm I don't see why you and your daughter both think she shouldn't get her own breakfast? And I wouldn't be rushing to social services because he got up later than 7:30 on a Sunday. You both sound a bit precious there. With regard to the heating, it is cold this weekend so he should have put the heating on for at least an hour or so. On the other hand, she should have a jumper or cardigan or something to keep warm as well.

YouHadMeAtCake · 12/02/2017 17:25

Well picnic clearly didn't Grin

bumsexatthebingo · 12/02/2017 17:26

I think I'd he wants to save money on heating then he needs to make sure he has plenty of layers for her. Fleecy onesies to sleep in etc.

clarrylove · 12/02/2017 17:26

We live in an old house and it takes a while to warm up. I can't imagine he was going to leave the heating on all night so would expect a house to be chilly at 7.30 in the morning. Could she not go back to bed and snuggle down with a book/gadget for an hour? I have a 10 year old too. He complains sometimes he is cold In the morning but walks round on the tiled floor with no socks/slippers and doesn't put on their onesies/dressing gowns! Is she warm enough in bed? If not, that is an issue.

user1484226561 · 12/02/2017 17:26

but what is the actual temperature? No one can say who is BU without that!

pictish · 12/02/2017 17:27

Well I don't get up at 7.30 at the weekend to make my kids' breakfast and two of them are younger than ten so I don't agree with you on your first point at all. She can do what every other 10 year old in the country does on a Saturday morning and make her own. Stop backing her up on nonsense like this.

Not sure about the heating...we keep ours to a minimum because of cost and our kids are well used to putting a jumper on to stay warm. It's not an issue for us.

I think your daughter sounds a bit soft tbh.

MrDacresEUSubsidy · 12/02/2017 17:28

It sounds odd to me that as the NRP he would choose a lie-in over breakfast with his DD. If she only sleeps over EOW then it shouldn't be too much of a hardship to get up and spend time with her - which is what I see as being the issue here, not having to sort her breakfast out (at age 10 presumably she's pretty capable?).

As for not putting the heating on. I have pretty puritan ideas about central heating(!) but I'd never dream of doing that to a visitor in my home. It's snowing in some parts of the country and where I am, the 'high' today has been 1 degree. I think it's entirely acceptable to put the central heating on!

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 17:28

As I've said, she has a hoodie and long sleeved tops.

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 12/02/2017 17:29

The op said she had a long sleeved top and a hoody but she was obviously still cold. I would send plenty of layers next time op now that you know he doesn't heat his house.

MsStricty · 12/02/2017 17:29

The insanity that has beset this thread is utterly mind-boggling. Please rtft and see that the OP says she packed warm clothing for her daughter - clothing that would be entirely appropriate for a heated house.

OP, YADNBU - Anyone who suggests that the heating being off (even those who say that it could at least have been put on for "an hour" (an hour?? Really? In this weather), is just bonkers, imo.

I feel like I'm in the land of alternative facts on Mumsnet sometimes, really I do ...

pictish · 12/02/2017 17:29

"We live in an old house and it takes a while to warm up. I can't imagine he was going to leave the heating on all night so would expect a house to be chilly at 7.30 in the morning."

Same here. It's nippy first thing in here too. Heating comes on at 6.30am during the week and 7.30 at the weekend. It's off again after two hours.

MsStricty · 12/02/2017 17:30

Anyone who suggests that the heating being off *is no biggie

Original poster
largepinot · 12/02/2017 17:32

It is 1 degree c.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 12/02/2017 17:33

My dd's dad used moved to a flat a few months after we split, having to pay rent and bills by himself was hard work for him and he couldn't always afford to put the heating on so he would ask if the dd's could bring a extra jumper and slippers to keep their feet warm. I was understanding as I knew money was tight, I was just pleased that he was trying his best to spend time with the dd's despite not having the best accommodation. I grew up in house with no heating and survived Grin.
I don't see the problem with him not being up at 7.30 to make breakfast, it's the weekend and my dd's have to either wait for me to get up or make it theirselves (I am usually up by 8am, sometimes breakfast doesn't get made until 9am).
You sound like your being a bit picky and it's possibly rubbing off on your daughter? Yes maybe your ex needs to make a bit more effort but I think you need to back off a little bit and let him get on with it.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/02/2017 17:33

Can he afford to put the heating on, given that he has had to move to a bigger house?

Starlight2345 · 12/02/2017 17:33

I agree a 10 year old can make own breakfast. My DS though ( 9) would sit in front of TV all day and not feed himself.

A child so cold she is crying is a huge concern..Does she know how to turn heating on. Has she spoke to her Dad about been so cold?

captainproton · 12/02/2017 17:34

The thing is she needs to talk to her dad about all this and not bitch to you. It's easy to pit warring parents against each other to get what you want. If she can't sleep because it's noisy she needs to tell her dad, she's cold, she needs to tell her dad, she wants breakfast, she needs to ask her dad. If he's abusive and unsympathetic then the real issue is not whether the heating is programmed to come on at 0730, the issue is then whether or not to stop contact.

Believe me at 10 kids can manipulate situations easily. Also at 10 she needs to pack her own bag, if it's winter then she needs to think weather appropriate. Not everyone can afford the heating on all the time in winter btw. It's a bit of a luxury in this house at least.

LucklessMonster · 12/02/2017 17:34

I have the heating on and it's still cold. That bit isn't on. As a compromise, ask him to get her an electric heater just for her room.

I think you muddied it by putting in the thing about breakfast, which is ridiculous. I wouldn't get up at 7:30am on a weekend to make someone a cooked breakfast!

budgiegirl · 12/02/2017 17:35

The breakfast thing is a non issue. I think it's fine to let her get her own breakfast, she's 10.

The heating, well, that's hard to tell. Does she mean that it's cold first thing, and he's not going to put the heating on early? That's fair enough. But if he doesn't use heating ever, however cold it is, then that's more of a problem, IMO. Can he afford it?

PossumInAPearTree · 12/02/2017 17:35

I haven't had the heating on since about 8am this morning. House is 18degrees. Dd has moaned that she's cold so she was sent to put her dressing gown on and then she was ok. I think it depends how cold the actual house was.

notapizzaeater · 12/02/2017 17:37

The getting up is a non thing

Perhaps by moving into a bigger place he can't afford the heating ?