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AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

(243 Posts)
Alaia5 Wed 18-Jan-17 13:41:25

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out hmm and the other one would just like to see me and the kids confused (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

Fishface77 Wed 18-Jan-17 13:46:55

Yanbu.
He thinks your his secretary, PA and wife all rolled into 1.
Maybe let him plan one weekend then become unwell? Just so he learns what you actually do.
Also, tell him no friends at all after rugby. Tell him it's family time.
As for family arriving from the Middle East, order a takeaway.
Find a decent catering service so you don't have to cook for his business dinners. (Let him find a catering service).
Small steps may be in order as if you've been doing it for a while it may be difficult to change.
I also Wouldn't announce or make it a discussion i would simply instigate small changes.
Last thing, If he won't ask the family, you ask them.

OohNoDooEy Wed 18-Jan-17 13:49:03

It's the hosting that's causing all the extra work isn't it? If it were just Friday night but no overnight guests, there'd have been much less housework involved if I've read your post correctly. I'd talk it through and just explain that you don't want to host people more than once a month, or however often you feel like.

Your DH sounds like a good egg to me and is still involved with kids activities etc. Would it help to get a cleaner in after you've hosted?

Ncbecauseitshard Wed 18-Jan-17 13:50:39

He should have organised the kids to help him clean up after lunch not taken them off your hands and left you to do it.
Is it always full on with dinners and guests? If so he's being massively unreasonable and seems to be treating you as a catering company.

Alaia5 Wed 18-Jan-17 13:54:49

Thankyou! Well yes I do feel like the catering sometimes. I don't mind too much in a way because I do gsymt time to myself in the week (like now)! But he does travel a fair bit and the weekends just seem to get dictated by sports and people coming over and I suppose what I want is family time. That's probably what I'm resenting actually.

Alaia5 Wed 18-Jan-17 13:55:19

Get time!

Doolallylally Wed 18-Jan-17 13:57:26

Jesus, YANBU, tell DH to do one and book yourself a spa weekend with your girlfriends next time he wants a skivvy. Do it anyway, you deserve it.

Fishface77 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:02:00

Then tell him Sunday's are for family time, no friends allowed.

Fishface77 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:02:40

That sounds controlling but if he was cooking and cleaning after them it would be different but he's not.

mikeyssister Wed 18-Jan-17 14:06:51

I did 17, yes 17 loads of washing last weekend so I know exactly how you feel.

Alaia5 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:09:15

Yes well it is the stinking washing as well because they just dump the bags in the hall. And the muddy boots.
I think they just don't see a lot of stuff.

ImperialBlether Wed 18-Jan-17 14:11:14

Are you a SAHM, OP?

Slimmingsnake Wed 18-Jan-17 14:13:23

Bloody hell ,does he know he is married to Wonder Woman...I couldn't live your life...if it makes you happy carry on....that would make me very unhappy...

Trifleorbust Wed 18-Jan-17 14:16:41

You need to set a reasonable limit on hosting, which is clearly cutting into family time and having a disproportionate effect on you, since your DH doesn't want to lead the hosting and cleaning hmm

I would just tell him - no more than guests every 6 weeks, or no guests on a Saturday evening, or whatever will make you feel comfortable. If he wants to have guests anyway, he does all the hosting and cleaning.

Sounds like you are the weekend skivvy but there is no reason it should remain that way.

RainbowJack Wed 18-Jan-17 14:20:57

You sound like a martyr.

You are capable of saying no but choose not to.

Why didn't they fix their own lunch? Why didn't you say no they couldn't come over?

You can, but won't. Take responsibility for your decisions.

VeryPunny Wed 18-Jan-17 14:24:53

Your kids are old enough to do their own kit washing as well. They're just copying their Dad's behaviour in expecting you to do all their chores for them.

Alaia5 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:25:11

Imperial - yes I am.

Rainbow I'm not trying to be a martyr. It's just I'm the one here and he works a lot.

I do miss him when he's away, like now, but tbh it's also kind of a break in that I can just give the kids pasta or something and chill (or Deliveroo).

welovepancakes Wed 18-Jan-17 14:25:39

Do you work? If not, I think your set up is fair enough, apart from the lack of notice.

It's unreasonable to expect you to throw together a lovely lunch with no warning, but if they're content to forage in the fridge for whatever they can find, then fair enough

welovepancakes Wed 18-Jan-17 14:26:32

Cross posted. If you are a SAHM, I think it's fair enough you do most of the work at weekends

Alaia5 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:28:41

Fish - yes that's what I was thinking of saying to him, that Sundays need to be family time. But he does work hard and I can see friends in the week if I need to, so not sure?

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 18-Jan-17 14:28:55

So a SAHM shouldn't have any free time at the weekends? confused

Every1lovesPatsy Wed 18-Jan-17 14:33:10

I am such a selfish cow in comparison to y ou...never have people stay over...it's so much hassle, just the chit chat alone the following day, especially if you also have kids to care for.

I don't think you are unreasonable. Would he cook and provide B and B for you and your girlfriends?

The rugby mates are just looking for a free dinner and homely atmosphere, well go and pay for a pub lunch.

I think stop being so accommodating. Leave his dinner on a plate and head off shopping. Let him say what he likes to the rugby friends.

Go out shopping or walking or whatever after dinner for your break and leave them to tidy up. Kids need to be responsible too. This is a typical Dad doing all the fun stuff and leaving you with all the drudgery.

Alaia5 Wed 18-Jan-17 14:35:41

VeryPunny - No, I always do Sunday lunch because we think it's important to at least sit down together at the weekends as week nights can be busy. We are quite "open house" too, but it's getting too regular with DH's teammates. I mean they're very polite, brought me flowers, etc, but I can't help thinking, "Why are you here??"
DH has never cooked so god knows where to start there.

NavyandWhite Wed 18-Jan-17 14:36:20

Say no to the dinner parties?
Get DH to make his friends lunch.

Apart from that I'm not sure what the problem is? It's not like DH was sitting there Saturday morning reading the paper. He was out with the boys.

Do you have any downtime?

TempusEedjit Wed 18-Jan-17 14:39:39

How much free time do you have during the day when your DC are at school?

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