AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

Thankyou. Tempus - the way he is with the DC is pretty similar in that he's very consistent. He never shouts at them but will just kind of give them a "look" if they're going too far. He has quite high expectations of them, but he's very kind too. The girls are constantly on his case when he's here.

I've decided that most of the set up in this house is probably my fault. The joke of it is that when I met DH he was just out of the marines and I very much doubt anybody sorted his clothes or packed his bags back then. I grew up in a very chaotic extended family where the women did cook for the men and run round after them because they were working very hard outdoors all year round and everyone just got in with it. I have ended up with a husband who will just sit there and wait to be served food, who would never think to look in a fridge or get his shirts sorted for business trips. When I read MN people would say this is like the 50s, but then I consider that I would never think to offer to pay any bills or enquire about that side of things because I'm used to him taking care of all that. Also I chose this house and pretty much everything in it and day to day I don't really consult DH about anything. I would not do what I do for him if he was critical of me or if I thought he was a lazy git in general. He has done a lot for my family over the years which is why I cope with MIL and other randoms in his family.

I can cope with DH and the kids but I think we need to simplify our lives because I am constantly facilitating the schedules of 4 kids, DH who can be going anywhere in any given week, and MIL who needs a LOT of input when she's here. Socialising with friends is great, but DH needs to realise that it's not ok to be asking people over at the drop of a hat because it's a lot of work for me - e.g. today I will be cooking all day because it's Persian food and it takes time.

Thankyou everyone so much for bearing with me and for all your very perceptive comments which really help me to think more clearly.

Thankyou Mamia x post

Pseudo - sorry to answer your question. No we don't fight much. He's not really an emotional type, but if I get upset he does listen and he's very affectionate. He usually apologises whether he thinks he's at fault if not because he hates seeing me upset. He does mean well but he's quite fixed in his behaviour and thinking.

well, as the saying goes - "you can take the boy out of Iran but you can't take Iran out of the boy" ....

I come from a similar patriarchal culture and it pisses me off no end when i see intelligent,educated women 'fall in love' and willingly sign autonomy for their lives over to their husbands.....who then go on to use their culture as an excuse to be controlling.

Guys like him are ALWAYS 'chilled' about breaking or bending any religious/cultural norms so long as it benefits them.
Your autonomy over your own self/life is dependent on whether (first) it fits his expectations, and (second) if it fits the expectations of his 'community/parents/religion/culture'

His manner of communicating with you is patronizing, dismissive and demeaning.
You are his wife - not an employee who has to carry out their duties whether they like it or not.
'Requests' orders are usually softened with 'be a star and do xyz', 'where would i be without you?' etc, we all do it in daily life to not give the impression of being dictatorial/bossy/controlling.

The fixed,regimented thinking is his training/conditioning talking.
He can change that but only if he genuinely understands you and wants to make changes to make your life better.

Empty platitudes like he's currently giving you hold no weight if not backed up by reaffirming action.

I don't know if he made me feel like this or if I felt like this anyway

You've been conditioned to always put others - specifically the men and 'Head Of The House' - first in all that you do,speak and think.
You only had a brief encounter with the kind of freedom needed to learn valuable life lessons.
Your dh has taken advantage of your naivety and lack of experience with men/relationships.

I disagree with the majority.
It sounds like you BOTH work hard at having a nice life.

It's not unreasonable to request that on any given Sunday he doesn't bring anyone back from rugby. ( as opposed to getting him to ask first )

Thsnkyou.
Couldntmake, that's all quite hard for me to read actually.
I admit before I met DH I'd only really had one other boyfriend in Spain but that ended when I came to London.
It's not only been the cultural stuff but also the situation with his work that has brought us here.

What would he say if you said, for example, "You making a cuppa?" He can hardly say "No, that's your job," can he? Have you ever tried it? Maybe try something like that? If he looks at you like you must be kidding say, "Well go on then, I'm gasping". Small changes can then lead to bigger ones. It seems like it will take a lot of small changes to change his mindset.

It sounds like a nice life if that's what you want. It is a very traditional setup that would make me want to scream. I couldn't do it. BUT this seems like the kind of life you signed up to and are happy to have so I think we're all focusing on the wrong thing here because it's not what a lot of us would want. You want more family time and less unexpected guests at the weekend. You're otherwise happy with the setup. Fine. Explain that to him calmly and resolve it.

i'm sorry, OP. i didn't mean to hurt or offend you in any way xxx

Pls don't take my personal feelings too much to heart, i'm just jaded and very cynical in my advancing years - and still failing the Tact test!

i know of similar marriages to yours - happy and fulfilling marriages.
Some make similar compromises that are being expected of you, but that's because the other party compromises on something else.

You need to assert your own identity, you're a wife and mother yes, but you're also an individual in your own right.
you need to feel empowered in that - even if your choice/decision happens to be the same as his

there's a kinky way to make him shut up and listen without interrupting for as long as it takes.....involves handcuffs, ropes and gag!

Couldnt - it all starts in the bedroom as they say

Love -I actually don't know how he would react to the cup of tea scenario - and I can't believe I'm actually typing that. I had a friend round for coffee the other week and my little one (6) asked him to help with her homework which was something like, "Make a sandwich using 4 food groups". Obviously he could make the sandwich, but it was very apparent he didn't know where plates, chopping board, anything was and kept calling to me, "where have you moved the knives? or whatever. When my friend left she gave him a and said to him, "just as well you're handsime really isn't it", but he didn't get it. Completely ridiculous and embarrassing.
Lots -I don't want to leave him, but I am clear there need to be some changes going forward. I really am clear.
Thankyou.

A couple of questions you might want to think about:

How often does he do something that he doesn't want to do because it's something you want?

How often do you do something that you don't want to do because it's what he wants?

In a good relationship, the answers to both questions should be roughly the same but I'm going to guess that they really aren't for you. I don't think he goes to work and earns all the money for you - I think he would do that if he were single.

It sounds like you live in a nice, in a materialistic way, life but you are very controlled in what you can and can't do? Of course you can order a take away when your in laws visit- I do. I'm sure they would prefer a home cooked meal but when there are extra people a take away is easier so that's what we have. They are family, not business clients who need impressing!
Why can't your DH cook for his family and guests and clear up afterwards? He sounds lazy and just picks and chooses the parts of family life he wants. His comments about you working are ridiculous- it's not the 1950's - you can work where and when you want. He won't like it he would need to actually do some family work!

I'm from an Indian background so I do understand a bit more than others about the in-laws - it absolutely would not go down well to feed my extended family takeaway. However - I think you do make too many excuses for him.

My dad came from a very very patriarchal background but every time we had his family over, he would help out doing the cooking etc until they rang the doorbell, he would then pretend he hadn't done anything (because they would have judged my mother over it) and, once they'd gone, he would pitch in with the clearing up. My dad's in his 60s and grew up overseas in an extremely traditional background but he is capable of thinking for himself and not wanting to leave his wife and daughter doing everything. Your DH is too - I bet he wasn't so traditional over sex before marriage or other things that benefited him.

a husband who will just sit there and wait to be served food

So let him sit there. He's not stupid; he'll work out how to do it eventually.

Ah it's coming back to me now. You're the poster who had the MIL who came around too often and criticized your cooking? Is she still bothering you so much ?

I don't think your DH sounds lazy. He sounds very hard working in a traditional sense, but unfortunately it also sounds as if he expects you to work hard ( which is fine) but doing exactly what he deems as being right e.g. up at 5am to make the smoothies.

I do think it's possible to change things somewhat without having an outright rebellion. There is definitely a halfway house between a takeaway and cooking delicacies all day. As lovewine has said you could ask him to make you a cup of tea, or you could explain that expecting you to get up at 5am to blend his smoothies is a bit silly and you've made up frozen packs in the freezer so all he has to do is whizz them up.

Rookie -it was the MIL who we converted the basement of our house into a flat for. I let her choose all the fixtures, everything - moved walls and re-levelled back garden. Then at the decorating stage, she decided she couldn't live in our house after all as "too many staircases", so DH got her an apartment down the road. Now our basement is a flat for nothing. Also she is hysterical a lot and calls him to go down to her at all hours in the night because she thinks she has intruders. And she has driven away 5 or 6 cleaners we have sent to her because she shouts at them and accuses them of jewellery theft! Also DH has to accompany her on planes. She is only 68.

DH is in a taxi and I'll be busy tonight, but just wanted to say thankyou again before he's here. I'm very grateful for some straight talking.

Op I think because your a sahm he expects it. And it sounds like your not too badly done to. I'm a sahm (work about 8 hours a week) I do absolutely everything here. Kids,washing,ironing,housework,garden,dog,beds,hoovering etc etc. And don't have a cleaner. I also get up around 5. I think it sounds like you have quite a good life. We tend to use Sunday as a family day as dp only gets a Sunday off. I think your just having a rant.

I come from a more 'traditional' culture and I have fought all my life to get out of it as I am very able and highly educated myself. I have taken a brief career break to have kids and secretly work on a new biz start-up (don't want to tell everyone about it in case it fails as is related to old industry) but as far as everyone knows I'm a full-time SAHM. The pressure and societal expectations that I'm 'lucky' to have such a good man in a high-flying job, that it's important for me to stay at home, bla bla, has been horribly depressing and isolating and undermining of my self-esteem. Honestly, I am quite a ball-buster and I am shocked at how awful it is (for me), my parents now 100% think that it's just important that my husband's job is protected and the children are well and it drives me mental (so mental have applied for a great part time job HURRAH!)

To be honest, I am thinking about how you enact change on a practical level. You love him, you sound like a lovely person who doesn't want to stand up in the kitchen and shout 'FUCK THE LOT OF YOU YOU PATRIARCHAL ASSHOLES! TAKE YOUR PERSIAN SLOW-COOKED BIRYANI AND FLING IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE' as that's just not you and would fragment your world which it doesn't seem that you actually want!

Three things in reverse order of importance.

1. Get your kids organising their stuff, making their own snacks, and organising their own sports gear. I was a rower and know exactly what's involved and organised all my own gear. If you feel guilty, imagine this - if they row at college and they haven't been supported in learning to care for themselves then they will end up with a month's worth of river-damp, stinking kit under their bed/behind their door and not know how to cope.

1. Can't you research or find someone who cooks Persian food? There's probably a not-so-well-off Iranian person or chef somewhere who'd LOVE to help prep or prepare food. You need to find this person and then stand up to your MIL by saying 'yes Alia here is helping me, ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL, now I am using MY job and time and education to help others and society, isn't that all what we want, hmm, mama in law?'

1. I don't think you'll be able to turn round to husband and just say 'make me a cuppa'. It doesn't work like that. Other posters need to realise that if he just turned round and said 'pay this bill, would you love?' that would be tantamount to financial abuse. In a sense, you have colluded in infantilising one another, you have made him domestically incapable and he has made you exterior to any earning/bill paying/expectation of coming in from a hard day at work and putting your feet up with a cup of tea made by other hands. The thing is, you keep harking on the 'deal' you made and the expectations that were in force then fifteen years ago. BUT THINGS CHANGE, PEOPLE CHANGE, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO WANT DIFFERENT THINGS NOW. If I were you, and especially if you want to write it down, I would take this angle. 'Dear darling husband, thank you for everything you have done to create spectacular lifestyle for me and our children (house, schools, trust funds), and the financial security to do what we want and not worry about money. I am very grateful. I think that (as we both wanted) I have also during this time worked incredibly hard in the home raising four (four!) lovely children and creating a great life where we can relax as a family and welcome friends to our home. But now as the children are getting older, we are entering a NEW PHASE of our lives, things are changing for me and I have two concerns. One is that I have slipped into the role of being everyone's maid, and while this is very traditional and normal for our backgrounds, it's exhausting me and making me sad and I'm also concerned that this is not a good example for our children. I want the boys to be able to be independent and respect women who have the same approach to careers that you do, and I want the girls to feel that they can do whatever they want, even if that's not the same kind of caring, home-based role as me. I think we've all got too used to me running round after everyone, partly my fault, partly yours and everyones, and this needs to change. Secondly, as I am forty and look ahead to what I want to do for the next twenty years, it is phenomenally important to me that I get time and space and respect from everybody to follow my own professional fulfilment by doing x job. I know we don't need the money - you have taken care of that - but it is more about my satisfaction, and if you think about the pride and satisfaction you have taken out of your working life, I'm sure you can imagine that I have similar if more modest desires for myself.

Something like that, that has mutual respect for what you've BOTH done, because it is a lot, especially in London which is incredibly cutthroat and not as easy as people think to earn enough money to be independently wealthy at 43 with 4 sets of school fees (that's prob about £1.2 million in cash alone). BUT you are entitled to move on to a different phase of your life now.

Fab post eyespy

Eye spy - that was an amazing post and thankyou so much for taking the time because I couldn't have said it better myself. Despite everything I do love my husband so much and that's never changed and, as I said, he makes me feel amazing in so many ways. I feel like I don't want to let him down, if that makes sense. He's not a bad person at all. In so many ways he's given us a fantastic life and I don't just mean the money. When my mother had cancer he sorted all her treatment out over there so I could spend time with her and he's been my rock through everything really. I don't regret that I've been home with my children and it's been a privilege but, as you say, things change. It's hard after 15 years though.
Thankyou so much once again and good luck with the job application!

Alaia5 - what are your plans for the future? Your DC's are at school giving you more time to do what you what. Are you planning to return to ft work - I think it would be a good idea to level up your life and ensure that you don't always have to act in many ways as the sole parent.

Parker - I'm not looking to go full-time but in an ideal scenario it would be part-time direct work with a particular client group. The course I'm doing a few mornings now is to update my qualification. Ideally working privately would be good, but early days yet so I'll see. If that doesn't pan out for whatever reason I could teach Pilates if I covered the theory aspect. So there's always that as well!

Sounds like a good start. Have you discussed with your DH that things need to change at home - your original post made you sound as if you are a housekeeper - I've never heard of having a takeaway with your in laws as not acceptable. Your DH not cooking and clearing up after his guests would not be acceptable to me or not knowing his way around the kitchen. Do you have nights out with friends or weekends away with your girl friends- how does he cope then?