AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

DH doesn't participate in clearing up dishes and so on either.

You really need to change his mindset here, if you are doing all the cooking. I do all the food shopping and cooking in our house, but DH is very good at "doing the kitchen" after we have eaten.

And I'm surprised your guests don't offer to help as well, even if they are business acquaintances. maybe they offer & you say no thanks? Time to get more assertive :-)

DH doesn't participate in clearing up dishes and so on either. I don't really know what to say on that tbh.

He sounds disrespectful and rather demanding. Remind him you are not his servant and while you don't mind hosting and organising things, you are not the skivvy and therefore he needs to man up and muck in. Make it clear that he needs to pull his weight in the kitchen and do his share of the chores - these are not beneath him. He may think twice about telling you to host people if he realises how much work these involves.

Your DC will be modelling future relationships on yours - this is not the 1950s anymore.

You could open a B&B.

Seriously OP, YANBU. It's too much. Keep that up and you need to find a housekeeper/cleaner/front of house-person.

Alaia5 I do sympathise, but one of the things struck me which was this: getting all bags sorted, uniforms etc.

Your boys are 11 and 13. Unless you really want them to grow up and mirror exactly your DH's behaviour of always having to have a woman to run around after them, then they really need to be doing this for themselves. Since secondary, I've just asked DS every evening "have you got your bag sorted for tomorrow" and "have you got your uniforms sorted for tomorrow" and if he hasn't, then it reminds him to do it. I don't have to do a thing except ask the question.

YABU

Just say no.

Get some more help.

Get the DCs to do a bit more. They certainly shouldn't be just dumping stinking washing in the hall and the 13 year old should be able to do a simple family meal.

Get a job - or do some charitable or voluntary work - if you want to. But if you're lucky enough not to need to work, then don't feel obliged.

It's bit insensitive of your weekend guests to hang around until noon, especially as your dh was out. I think I would have invented somewhere I had to go to get rid of them.

Yes, good point. What were they doing all morning??

It sounds like your DH might be starting to take you a little for granted, but from what you've said of him hopefully a sensible conversation about how you are feeling and what you would like to change will be enough to improve things.

I was interested in your post because I'm currently a SAHM to two small DCs and my DH has a job that sounds very like your DH's in terms of travel, hours etc. I can see me being in the same position as you in ten years if I remain a SAHM. I think having one parent at home full time can be a very positive thing but you have to constantly make sure you are not becoming a skivvy rather than an equal partner.

How can you be bothered having people round all the time? Sleep overs, lunches and dinner parties.
that's where its all going wrong.
I'm easily put out and enjoy peace and quiet without fussing about what the house looks like before people come over or making lunches for friends
At the last minute

I think you should tell your husband that bringing guests home for sunday lunch is out for the foreseeable future. you'll let him know when you feel up to it again.

You need to announce to the family (at next Sunday lunch) that from now on, since you cooked lunch, everyone else will clean up while you sit down with a coffee. Ideally your husband should say this and lead the children in cleaning up.

Tell everyone that all sports gear now needs to be put in the washing machine, machine turned on. No more dumping in the hall. Tell your husband this applies to him too as otherwise he is setting a horrible example for his children and anyway he doesn't really think you are a skivvy does he?

Just because you are primarily responsibly for housekeeping and childminding it doesn't mean you are a full-time servant and house-cleaner. It is a very bad message to send your children if nothing else.

I'd have been tempted to sit down with a book while everyone was out playing with drones and let them clean up when they came back.

I think I recognise you from a previous post, OP, when you were concerned that your husband was like a guest in his own home (or hotel).

DH doesn't participate in clearing up dishes and so on either. I don't really know what to say on that tbh. The kids will help if asked though

and he doesn't cook - you don't know what to say on that either.
The hosting is all about him but YOU are the one who has to put the hard work in
He isn't even considerate or appreciative enough to help you clear up
He can't pick up after himself
He can't even make the effort to take over some of the thinking

What he does do is 'treat' you every now and then as a 'reward' for being a good little wifey aka doormat
Is that how he shows affection and love - by buying you things/throwing money at it?

He's basically living a hotel lifestyle in his own home with a free housekeeper and nanny.

You're allowing his work to be the excuse for all of this, but he chooses to do what he does

Find your self worth and stop allowing yourself to be a martyr

by the way - everyone in your house is old enough to put their dirty clothes in the wash and sort them out...wash dishes, make/change their beds, prepare a basic meal/snack, get their work/school shit together........basically pull their own weight.

I'm in a similar family situation to you but quite a few years ago I made a deal with dh that if I cook, he cleans up. He can't cook but that doesn't mean he can't clean up so both days at the weekend I make the warm meal and when everyone is finished I walk away from the table. If we have guests I help to bring the dishes in to the kitchen but it's still definitely his job and he knows it. Now that the dc are bigger they do it with him. I think it's good for our boys to see their father doing it as he works long hours in the week so doesn't do much around the house then.

I just wouldn't do it. If he wants his friends around why are you cooking and cleaning up after them? You're making yourself the skivvy! Just don't do it.

He's too good to do the dishes....vomit

Did you post about this before when your children said he was treating home as a hotel? Nothing has changed then, sorry to hear that but it is time you start insisting that everyone is pulling their weight. Your kids are old enough to sort their bags and dirty kits , tidying up, cleaning dishes etc and so is your husband!

Hire staff to wait on you all during the dinner parties and tidy up.
Notify the overnight guests of a check out time when they arrive.

Do you and your husband go to overnight soirees in other people's homes?

I doubt it.....this is ridiculous, if your husband is such a social butterfly let him shoulder the responsibilities of arranging the practical requirements. All of these parties and rugby lunches are all choices, not requirements to further his career and cement your household income. Put a stop to it.

I agree with what others have said but cannot see why you need to get up at 5 am?

Start teaching your kids to do their sports laundry at least.

Op I wonder if this a cultural difference? Since you mentioned your dh's relatives from the Middle East, I'm wondering if your dh is middle eastern. In which case having lots of guests over and feeding them lavish dinners is very much part of his culture and he probably doesn't realise that it's a bit too much !

Back now -it's quite a lot to take in.

Yes I should get them to do more probably. I suppose I feel like I should take the pressure off where I can because I'm not working and haven't since DS1. It's very easy to say though, but not so easy when you have a DH who is either a) not here or b) disengaged from doing that kind of stuff when he is. It's not that he's lazy because he's not at all and it's not as if he doesn't put himself out for me, but it would be like banging my head on a brick wall and I have to pick my battles or I'd go insane.
With the boys, they're in quite high pressure schools with a lot of homework and extra curricular stuff. DS1 is now rowing training and leaves at the crack of dawn which is why I get up so early. Also DH runs in the mornings.

The guests st the weekend were very nice but a bit strange and the wife didn't get up until 10.30 DH says she has nervous illness. He knows the husband quite well from years back so that's why these two stayed over.

because I'm not working and haven't since DS1

Seriously woman?!

Have you sat on your arse or concentrated on the social scene whilst someone else did the JOB of bringing up your kids and running the household?

No.

The only difference between a paid employee and you is that an employee gets paid for it, gets paid holidays/'off duty' time, has set hours , and can walk out on the job anytime if their 'boss' is taking the piss.

i suggest you calculate the cost of the services you've been providing for free and then ask yourself whether what you've been doing is work.

Millionmiles - yes he does have Middle Eastern heritage - and all that comes with it in terms of expectations from his family etc.

Thankyou Couldn't. I am generally busy yes, although people wouldn't necessarily think it.