AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

Even if it's not the done thing for men to help with food, cleaning etc, your DH just could couldn't he? My DP's dad was the one who went to work & had very traditional roles at home, but that doesn't stop my DP being the only one who hoovers, cleans, washes up etc. I do the flatpacking and other jobs! I really don't mean to come across as harsh - but isn't that a bit of an excuse?

Equally your DH can say "no we're all busy and tired if we're hosting we'll be having a takeaway" to relatives etc. The fact that this isn't happening and it's just constant work for you is worrying, doesn't he think it's unfair he runs & you do the children and his breakfast every single morning? I know other men would realise this totally is not cool of their own accord.

Just a few musings really I suppose.

Thanks cat. I can't argue with that really.

Don't allow cultural sensitivities about his family or background to delude you from seeing that he's taking you for granted. My own MIL is from a different culture and we but heads sometimes as I don't conform to the dutiful DIL type from her culture. I don't allow it as times change and nowadays men should be taking a equal role in relationships and parenting.

What would happen if you suggested takeout for the family visiting?

I find it totally outrageous that he asks for a protein shake and you make it, I mean, is he handles, as my DM would say? The team mates coming back on Sunday I would put a stop to, maybe once in a blue moon. When do you get family time? Sorry, OP, but you're not living in the 1950s and as other pp said, you're setting your boys up for a tricky time finding someone who is the hostess with the mostest.

My mil did this with my fil. Since his death, she is rudderless, no interests outside of the home, no social life, it was him saying 'Oh darling, could I have a sandwich/cup of tea?' constantly. You're not at boarding school and you're not his fag. (For those who are shocked at the term, it's just the younger boy who had to serve the older boys)

*handless, not handles

Well I couldn't do take out for the relatives coming. It would be like an outrage on all fronts. If MIL was here this week she would have been in this house today "helping" me to prepare food and making a son and dance about the whole thing.

She lost her husband last year and she's " rudderless" to say the least. fH bought her an aosrtment down the road so that's been handy!

It's so interesting coming in MN because in real life all I get is, "You're so lucky. He treats you like a princess. He's so thoughtful" and so on.

DH and apartment sorry!

I don't think you want to change anything perhaps just have a little rant here. Things will only change if you facilitate the change but if your indoctrinated to believe this is what a wife's role should be then you'll have this for many more years

Alaia5 you've probably gone to bed now as you're so tired! But one thing that I don't think anyone has asked yet (I've been dipping in and out of this incredible thread all day!) is does your DH make you feel attractive and loved? He clearly has money so does he spoil you - does he buy you lovely clothes etc and seem proud that you are his wife?

I know a few women in this situation - they work hard at being mums but they are also clearly adored and it makes a huge difference. I also know some that have almost become like their DH's mother and that is dangerous - when the children grow up and leave they become sort of redundant. You sound lovely, so I hope you're the former!

Thankyou - no starfish in the bed eating cornflakes! Can you tell he's away?

Baking - I don't know if I'm indoctrinated. I've been with him virtually all my adult life. He is very full on and we had 4 kids and when you're busy you don't have the energy to step out the box much.

Kaybush - thankyou for your lovely post. This is the thing with him actually. He does spoil me with gifts and that kind of thing. He always did, even before he made the money. He never makes me feel like I'm just a mum to his kids. He's always said just because we're married doesn't mean I can't still take you on a date and he's amazing in that kind of way. Very complimentary daily actually. He's not boring, I'll say that!

He knows he's quite extreme in some ways and that not everyone could cope with him. So that's another plus!

Your life sounds similarish to mine. I posted on here a few months back about it and got some wonderful advice. I had a very calm, well prepared chat with dh, and he got it, and has been brilliant since tbh. I never minded doing the majority of the hw, it's just little things here and there which were needed to stop me feeling like a Skivvy. So, we now clean up any mess from hosting together if it falls on a Friday or Saturday night, he makes me a cup of tea of an evening, either one of us gets up to tip the girls cereal in to a bowl. Little things, which take up little of his time but have made a big difference to me.
Re your Saturdays - he is pulling his weight here; one parent does the activity runs, one stays at home and cleans/looks after remaining dc. Would you prefer it to be the other way round? I.e. You take the boys? If so, take turns in your roles.
In the past I found it really difficult during the week to take 4 or so hours out doing me stuff, it just felt wrong to be having a massage at 2pm whilst do was at work, but now I have to keep reminding myself that even with this, I'm still working 9 or 10 hours in the day, which is the same as dh.
Good luck!

OP are you the same heritage as him? This sounds like the setup my traditional Indian friends have (the wealthy ones anyway). The wife is expected to have an impeccable house and do all organising for home, DC, wider family.

As someone not from that background, I couldn't do it. Its just so patriachial where the females fit themselves around other people instead of having their own identities - not as a mother or wife but as their own person.

I don't see how you can change things as your DH thinks everything is fine. He treats you well, you do what wives and mothers do - what's the problem with that? You get to stay at home and do your course and have time to do your nails. On the outside looking in, it doesn't appear to be a bad life if one doesn't see the skivvying you do (and your DH doesn't see skivvying as it's just what women do).

If you're not prepared to put your foot down, then I suggest you buy in as much help as you can get - seems like you can afford it. Your cleaner could do extra hours to change sheets and iron clothes - then you have a few hours back at the weekend.

You are perpetuating your DHs expectations to your DC - particularly your DSes - by excusing them from doing household chores. They will expect others (women) to facilitate their home life for them, in exactly the way your DH does. I suggest you get your DC involved in running the household as teamwork if you want them to grow up with a different mindset.

Just curious really, you posted before...has anything changed since last time around? Do you want change?

If you are a SAHM I'd say that's reasonable. When DH and I both work full time we spilt everything down the middle but now I'm on maternity I run the house/childcare and he earns the money.

You know what, something tells me you're going to be fine Alaia5. Signing out now. Goodnight! Xx

You absolutely could order takeaway.

arethere - that's great that MN helped you to take those positive steps. Small things do make a difference, I'm with you there!

Toastie - no I'm not from the same cultural background as DH but do come from a Southern European country (sorry to be a bit vague, just don't want to give too much info). I had a "traditional" upbringing in terms of British standards and I'm aware of this. Your point about DH seeing certain things as completely natural or "what women do" is very true I think and I admit I probably struggle with those expectations too, particularly, as you say, the fitting in around others. Thankyou.

Rachel - when I posted last summer it was because I was thinking about the future now that I have 2 DC in secondary school. I was thinking about looking into returning to work part-time in the field I have a qualification in, but it seemed quite overwhelming and DH wasn't keen or particularly willing to engage on this subject.
I had some brilliant advice on the thread which helped me to get my facts straight before I took up the issue again with him. His position had basically been that I was already doing the most important job in the world and the DC needed me so it was ridiculous to take more on. In the end I wrote him a. letter, saying when I met him I'd just finished a Masters degree which was what brought me to London in the first place and I've never used this. In the end, he said that he understood this. He said his main concern is that he doesn't want me going into psychiatric units or remand centres, or doing any work with sex offenders and so on. He thinks this is ridiculous and I'm a mother now and he said he's not going to shift on that position. But if I want to potentially work with younger children and mothers /babies with attachment disorders then he will support me in doing that, as long as it was in school hours. That's fine as I never really wanted to bring in childminders etc anyway. I needed to renew my qualification as it's been a long time so that's what I've started doing.

Sounds shit

Hmmmm...so you have a professional qualification in quite a tough area of need, but you DH will not allow you to use it? It is only to be used on his terms? You aren't allowed to have takeaway dinner on Friday as it "isn't the done thing" for his family? You don't feel you are allowed to say no to mates/ colleagues/ staying guests?

The only princess this reminds me of is Rapunzel!

There is an awful lot of controlling being done here- it's done on a "because you are amazing, I love you too much, the kids adore you at home" way, but it is still controlling your life choices.

A final thought about the DS's- they are very much old enough to sort themselves out. Yes, even with the early morning start for rowing (I have a competitive swimmer as a DS- 11 with specific learning disorders). All coaches will tell you that it is imperative that they learn to sort out their own kit for training/competition as it is part of the mind preparation process. If my (totally disorganised DS can sort it- with some support which has been gradually withdrawn) I'm sure yours can too. But be prepared for a fuss to be made- after all, isn't that what their dad does? It works for him...

Gosh he comes across as your boss, dictating what you can do or can't do.

Sounds like you both aren't equal partners.

coast does your dh not parent his child or load a dishwasher say at weekends?
Why should a Sah be working 7 days days per week and the working parent only 40 hours or whatever their working hours are?
I ask this in a way because my dh does very little but will at least cook the odd meal at weekends or load the dishwasher occasionally.

And op Yanbu.

Fuck me he sounds worse and worse!
He's a great husband because everything's on his terms!
Were you consulted about the apartment down the road for Mil?
He "allows" you?
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Start getting your financial ducks in a row cus as soon as you step out the box you'll see what an abusive arsehole he really is.

Your last post is heartbreaking to read All of your talent and energy and knowledge and creativity going to waste.

I'm not going to say LTB, because I don't think he is a bastard. I think that this is about you and your life. It sounds to me as though you're ready for some things to change.

Your post of 6.25 is not good op. Not good at all. Your dh does not see you as equals. You should have an equal say in decisions. Can you ever imagine saying to him ' I don't mind you working, but school hours only, as my dinner needs making?' It's absurd, it's the olden days. Today, we're equals. Unfortunately for you, I'm sure from a financial POV, it makes more sense for him to work, but it's his attitude which is shit. I have no idea how you change such an ingrained attitude as his.