AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

It does sound familiar, have you posted about this before?
YANBU and this needs to be sorted sooner rather than later. Everyone else needs to pull their weight around the house. Otherwise you will have your children, the boys anyway, treating their future partners / wives the same way.
You have far too much on your plate, and that needs to be sorted with your husband first of all.

My father in law was a very (very) big cheese in business. My MIL entertained and got stressed by it, acted as his plus one, SAHP, good company wife. He was very engaged with their kids (my DH being one of them). He earned very very good money and worked very hard. So far, so the same.

At the end of dinner my FIL, jumps up and helps clear up. His first job when he gets up in the morning is to empty the dishwasher. He is a total team player. Yes my MIL had a lot to do to facilitate the business man lifestyle, but he helped. I like to think he is part of the reason my DH does his fair share without me having to actually prompt which is just as well or I'd dump the fucker for being a fucking entitled child

You need to realign your husband views. One up, all up.

I thought so op.

Then it's a case of getting him to understand, accept and adopt a different mindset/approach.

A compromise between what he expects and what you will happily do in terms of entertaining family and friends.

He sounds otherwise ok.

You're a SAHM with cleaner and a high earning DH?

I can't believe people on this thread are professing to feel sorry for you because you are hosting guests and rustling up meals.

Why don't you LTB, get a job, be a working, single mother and then see how you like them apples.

In the nicest possible way, your life sounds great and whilst it's allowed to gripe now and then, I refuse to feel sorry for you.

How does he put himself out for you?

Just because you're not a paid employee, it doesn't mean you don't work.

Don't forget that you have enabled him to progress in his career - there's no way he would have done as well if he did half the work you do for him.

Yes I did post last May I think it was when I was considering going back to work. I've also posted about huge MIL issues, but she is in the States visiting BIL at the moment. She lives down the road and is very high-msintenance. I am doing a course now. DH got a very significant payout recently due to shares he had in a company, so even less point in me going back to work part-time now though.

I'm not surprised you feel like the weekend skivvy, certainly sounds like you are treated like one. Obviously your lifestyle works for you but it sounds like you have very traditional roles and your DH has got a bit too used to it.

If DP and I have a dinner party it's something we'd both do the work for. And likewise if DP wants his friends round, he's more than welcome to but he'd be fixing lunch or whatever themselves unless it was convenient for me to do so.

I think you need to tell him to reign it in a bit. You sound like a good wife....He's lucky to have you. Maybe it's my age and social group (early 30s) but I don't know many of my friends who would do that of a weekend.

Going back to work wouldn't solve the problem, more likely add to it as you would still do it all after and before finishing work.

A high pressure job/school are bad excuses for not picking up dirty clothes or clearing up after dinner.

Could you make some sort of rota? Or have the boys do small set tasks each day and take a bit more responsibility for themselves? At that age my jobs were sort out my own clothes/bag for school/activities. Set table for dinner, clean up after dinner, make my packed lunch, help with chores every Sunday. Both my mum and dad worked and both shared housework, but I worry that your sons will pick up your husbands habits.

Also DH runs in the mornings.
As in goes for a run? Is there a more convenient time for him to do this? It sounds like everyone else in your home just does what they like, when they like - then you have to run around to sort/facilitate it all. Yes, you are a SAHM and should be doing the majority of work at home, but everyone should be helping make this manageable.

I know some people are saying that you are a SAHM with a cleaner so it shouldn't sound bad, but for me, I would be stressed up to my eyeballs having to host people so often. But then, I hate that sort of thing.

Yanbu. But it sounds like my house. And us. I am the pa and wife and mother.

user1259 I appreciate that Op doesn't have the financial worries but that doesn't mean her life is great. It sounds like she is with a DH who takes her for granted and is trapped in quite frankly what sounds like a monotonous existence.

Wouldn't be my idea of a great life although it's great if it works for OP on the whole.

My weekend consisted of lazy Saturday morning then out for brunch. Wander round park and shops. Out in evening with friends for drinks. Then Sunday out to see different friends for a birthday lunch .. turned out to be long afternoon. I don't have a life where DP expects me to do hours of chores....We both pitch in as and when and do what needs doing but between us we manage to keep on top of things.

DP is not a high earner by mumsnet standards (although it's fairly decent for where we are). Of course it'd be nice if he suddenly earned twice as much but not if he treated me as a skivvy. We have probably a modern relatio ship....DP lived on his own before I met him so he's always been able to do chores etc and he treats me with respect. He doesn't want a cook, cleaner or skivvy. He wants someone he can have an equal relationship with.

So your definition of great relationship is certainly subjective. While it my work for her, the OPs relationship sounds like my idea of hell. I just couldn't maintain that level of being a domestic goddess. I'd have a breakdown.

You ARE the weekend skivvy to him.

Stuff cooking for his sports mates!

Thankyou for all the well meaning advice. I do try and get the boys taking responsibility for their own kits and books etc. They're not too bad, but DS1 seems on a different planet these days - suddenly he's 6ft 1 and monosyllabic.
Yes DH has always run in the mornings and then he wants a protein shake made in the blender. I know this makes him sound like a nightmare, but he is helpful in some ways.

Read the children's book by Anthony Browne: Piggyback. You sound just like the female character...
see link

Alaia he's not helpful. Or he's helpful on his terms i.e. When it suits him. Are you scared of the reaction you will get if you verbalise the issues?
I suggest you start going for a run in the mornings too. To the nearest cafe to get some space. Your making excuses for them all. Make a rota and stick to it.
You sound like you've accidentally fallen into the martyr role and can't get out ignored it but you need to make strategies to have time to yourself.

^With the boys, they're in quite high pressure schools with a lot of homework and extra curricular stuff. DS1 is now rowing training and leaves at the crack of dawn which is why I get up so early.%

*Alaia5^, my DS is also in a high=pressure situation, but that doesn't mean he gets to absolve responsibility for his own bag and uniform. He is also expected to take his plates to the kitchen and wash up after himself every meal, and to load his clothes into the washing machine, and so on. I don't want to raise a boy who will treat any other woman like a doormat.

I do understand how difficult it is, especially when it feels like a lot more work getting them to do things than it would just be getting on with it yourself, but you are at a crossroads here. Do you want your boys to act like your DH when they are older?

Open house...... (cold sweat, toes curling)

OP you are marvellous but you must stick your elbows out and give yourself some space here.

So you get up at 5 to make breakfast and protein shakes Has your husband ever had to look after himself? Or has he always had someone doing it all for him?

and then he wants a protein shake made in the blender

Genuine question - what would happen if he came in from his run, asked where his protein shake was, and you went off to do something else saying "sorry, love, I'm busy right now - the ingredients are in the top left hand cupboard if you want to make one though"? Would he do it, get angry, or what?

Your DH is an outright piss-taker.

This made me laugh: 'he wants a protein shake made in the blender'. What do we tell kids? 'I want doesn't get!'

Stop doing it. Stop running round after him.

Bumblecat - oh my god!

I don't know what to say (again). I suppose I just do everything in the morning because once they're gone, they're gone if you see what I mean. And the girls are still little really. But I do feel like a lunatic.

I have friends who live all around here with husbands who take the piss far more. DH is very honest, extremely generous and very loving and thoughtful in his own way.

I know about his background and he was in a boarding school since he was 7 and a few things were not really "normal" for him. He is a good man and very genuine. I do see where people are coming from though and we must sound a bit crazy.

Event read every post but here are my observations
Its outrageous to tell OP to 'get a job'. Their lives they choose. Sounds like she has a busy time and that sort of response is not helpful and wasn't solicited..
It is not reasonable that your SAHM job lasts 7 days and nights and husbands ends when he walks through the door. OP, you need to man up and get in the 21st century. he might be nice but we don't live in the 50s. Maybe he doesn't realise that is not reasonable.
OP next time you have an event/cook/do sunday lunch with his guests (or without for that matter) you say 'I cook means you clean the kitchen. You can be nice about it but no deal means no cooking.
OP - why do you have to cook big meals for husband midweek? whats wrong with pasta? Or something that lasts a few nights like curry/cottage pie. I cook from scratch most nights (keep saying I must cut down to baked spuds etc) but normally can whip up something lovely in 30mins and then husband is expected to do dishes (I work too 4 days a week). But really we should just eat beans on toast, leftovers or what the kids had.
If you let this sort of behaviour continue your kids will follow and expect you and their future partners to behave the same. We all have a duty to be good role models for our kids (not always easy).

Good luck. You are clearly not happy with the status quo (even if husband is lovely but old fashioned) so thats all that matters. You must balance your relationship so you are both happy. maybe he has a perception that midweek you are getting your nails done and socialising. Put him straight if that is not the case.

Meant 'haven't read'
sorry!

Just tell him you need more help.

And take short cuts!

Really, nobody is making you do these "keeping up appearances"- lunches and catering.

I was in a similar situation to you and I joined a lovely gym where I go Saturday afternoon and Sunday evening (unless something else is up) and about food:

On Saturdays we have a fried breakfast lunch. Sometimes it's just a fried egg snd bacon sandwich, kids love it. Sunday is usually pasta, so easy to feed extra people. Or Cornish pasties.

I have also got Dominos one time when we had unexpected guests.

Really, you are allowed short cuts. And to book a gym session in between running around. (And if you don't actually feel like that, go to the cafe and read the paper....have done that )

You just have to carve out time for yourself, and take catering shortcuts.