AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

Protein shake!

Out of interest, how does he ask you to do something like this? I just can't imagine the words, so I'm curious.

Alaia5 you sound just like my DH's aunt. She ran a very busy 'open' household with three children and was always either hosting, cooking or clearing up. She was subsequently incredibly organised, disciplined and smart and when the children became more independent she did an accountancy degree. She ended up as one of the chief accountants for a very large company with a salary that out-ranked her husbands. I'm not sure what course you're doing, but I think the hard work you're putting in now may reap rewards when your children leave home!

DH got a very significant payout recently due to shares he had in a company, so even less point in me going back to work part-time now though.

I can't speak for other PP but my suggestion to get a job was not so you could contribute to family finances!

I think you should get a job, because work is important to me. But what would you like your life to look like?

Thankyou for the kind comments and observations.

I wouldn't want to give the impression I don't have time to get my nails done etc because I do and I can run in the day after everyone has gone.

Legz - the situation is he has this "personal trainer" (who is basically just his mate who he pays to shout at him) who also advises these certain foods etc, so this then seems to filter down to me. DH does a lot of charity events and it's ongoing, but he's always been like this. He used to be far worse. In terms of the words, he just asks like, "darling would you get me an x please". He's never rude if that's what you mean.

What would happen if he said "darling, would you get me an x please" and you replied "sorry, love, busy at the mo."?

... or, er no, get it yourself!

I see...it's not rude sounding, but it's still something my husband would never do (or consider).

You sound lovely, and I hope perhaps making a few small changes can help. I'm sure you can improve the situation and lots of people have given good advice.

I only worry that he is seen as a successful businessman, social butterfly, charitable person and in fact, you are the one to really help him achieve these things. I hope he lets people know this and that you feel appreciated.

Just seen the update about your dh having Middle Eastern heritage and think that does change it a bit.

But no reason why you can't insist on extra professional help around the house. And you also do need to instil some responsibility for helping in your dc. Mine also have a high pressure school & lots of extra curricular activities but are still expected to help lay the table, clear the dishes, unload the dishwasher, put away their clean laundry, organise themselves for school, etc etc

well I am sorry but you don't have to work outside the house because your husband works so hard for the family?
And at weekends he does sports and activities with the children?
Honestly?

I haven't read the whole thread, but I have read that the OP has a cleaner come twice a week, she has 3 kids, does a course for 3 mornings a week and her DH is away all week with work.

Sorry OP but from where I'm sitting YABU and need to suck it up. It sounds like a whole lot of complaining about nothing.

I can't help but compare to our house where we both work full time, have 3 kids, no cleaner (can't afford that), and yes, weekends are spent doing washing, ferrying kids around, getting homework done etc and some socialising as well. All pretty normal stuff.

Maybe your problem is that you don't like socialising and don't want to see your DH's friends?

Sorry was just taking DDs somewhere.

Brat - yes he does work very hard. He's slightly more laid back these days, but definitely had quite extreme workaholic tendencies which is the main reason I try and take the load off at home.

Grumpy - yes I could get more help and DH wouldn't really know or care. So maybe I will. The issue isn't that I mind cooking for him or anything else it's just that 4 DC take up quite a lot of headspace and I try and balance DH out if that makes any sense.

If I said "get your own" whatever It would just feel rude or he would think I was really annoyed with him.

You are acting as a servant though, just because he asks nicely, doesn't mean you should. He's capable. Clearly you can't just go from 'yes of course dear' to 'do it yourself' without discussion, but unless you say something, frankly, you have sold your soul for your nice life... I think that's why you're fed up, you are a facilitator to his life.

My main motivator to make this change would be my children. There is no way I'd ever want a DS of mine to end up like this - and hell no would I want either DD's, ever. It's just not for me, I'd want something very different for them. I'd sit and have a big chat with him as soon as there was some proper time.

Alaia, I can sympathise with your desire to take care of your children and take the pressure off of them. Mine are up at 6, gone before 7 and often not back until 5 or 6 every day and under a lot of pressure at school so I will often put out their breakfast for them - I do it to be nice to them on a cold dark morning. At the weekend I expect them to contribute.

I can also understand how you have given up on changing your husband at this point - especially if has a lot of good qualities.

The problem is you are not happy with this entire situation and I don't think it will do your children any good in the long run - you are modelling a very old fashioned relationship that works (sort of) for you and your husband but probably isn't what you want for your children - your sons will be very limited in their choice of partners if they expect someone who behaves like you and likes it and your daughters may want something very different but not know how to go about such a relationship.

I think you need to talk to your husband about this and explain to him that while it might be too late for him to start doing the washing up (why though? It is really odd for a human being not to be able and willing to take care of himself) he has to take the lead in making sure his children are different. So at the weekends, after sunday lunch, he should say to them "kids your mother was wonderful to make us such a lovely lunch after working so hard all week - thank you darling - now you all clean up and she will put her feet up".

Do they ever hear him overtly praising you for your significant contribution to the household? Does he ask you about your course in front of them? Does he make sure they realise that you are a very important and significant contributor to his life and their lives?

Also the workaholic bit ... men like your husband (I am married to a high-flyer too) LOVE what they do. They don't do it out of a noble sense of sacrifice in order to provide for their families. They do want to provide for their families but they also love the work, love the kudos and respect they get for being a high flyer, love the public recognition. It is not a sacrifice - or at least not much of one.

Forget the money. Finish your course and do some work, paying if possible, that you enjoy.

Sitting on the fence a bit on this one.

Not totally fair that you have to do all the wife-work, but then it does sound as if you get a fair bit of free time during the week. Also in our household the sacrificial parent is the one who does the weekend sports run - I'd pick the clearing up any day !

You're clearly not short of funds (by the way the one chore I'd be taking over in your shoes is booking the holidays - best job in the world ) - so agree with the folks who say get your cleaner to do more hours.

You don't need to strip the beds straight away either - no reason why the laundry couldn't have waited until Monday when you have time to do it and you and DD went for a walk.

As for the morning protein shakes. Suggest that he makes a batch of dry ingredient ones up in advance and bags them in the freezer then all he needs to do is whizz them up when he gets in. Much better if they are as fresh as possible.

I would hate to live your life - it sounds like a gilded cage and I would go mental, not having anything to stimulate me.

What did you do before you gave up working?

Thankyou everyone. It's great to hear perspectives outside my own circle if friends. Everyone knows everyone's business round here so I don't like talking in real life.

I met DH when I was 25. I used to work with abused children in a therapeutic setting -self-harm, sexual abuse, eating disorders.

Just have to get the DDs home now,but will respond properly when I get in.

Why are people taking offence at the dh asking for a protein shake?! Have none of you ever asked your partners to do anything for you??

My dh works full time and very long hours, and when he's at home I do not hesitate to ask him to get me x y z, make me a cup of tea, get me a drink of water, and likewise dh asks me for a cup of tea, drink of water/tablets or to put his phone on charge if I'm going there anywhere.

It's the expected nature of it, AMillion. Of course we do all things for people in our households when asked, but I would not expect another adult to issue regular orders, however nicely phrased, to me with the expectation that they would be fulfilled immediately. And there doesn't seem give and take, in that the DH and the DC don't really respond to the OP's requests.

What you're describing is reciprocated help, AMillion not running round after one person.

If you want things to change you're going to have to make a noise.

Tell him nobody over this weekend and if he makes it happen you'll take yourself off for the day and he can deal with it all. Start with one weekend a month where it's family only even.

If you're not willing to make a noise and want change you're going to have to suck it up.

Ok just got back in.
I'm trying to find the words to express this properly. DH is British but there is an element of Middle Eastern culture that is in evidence at family gatherings etc - e.g. there's no way I could just order takeaway when these relatives come this weekend, as someone suggested upthread. Also it's not the done thing for men to participate in serving food and so on. It's just slightly different. We don't bring up our kids like this, but there probably is some hangover which I need to think about.
DH is very respectful towards me though and he always has been. He would do anything for me and I know that, but when I read MN I realise we possibly do have a different t dynamic. As I say, we've been together since I was 25 and he propoded after 6 months, so it was all quite quick. Then we had 4 DC and everything with his work and now I'm 40 and he's 43 !

I have read your posts with interest.
I actually think I would be quite happy with that life!
You have no financial worries and you have been able to be sahm for 13 years (if i got that right). Yes your weekends are busy but you say you have time to yourself during the week. You do all the cooking and clearing and sorting kids stuff and laundry BUTyou do have a cleaner twice a week!

Your husband also doesn't sound that bad.
Ok he takes certain things for granted but from the posts: he books babysitter and takes you out, he takes kids to sports, he did call you regarding his teammates coming over beforehand as you requested.
Honestly everything sounds pretty good actually.
Then again if you are not happy with this then change it - even one small change at a time. What's the thing that bothers you most? Change that! Do it gently but do it.

Just as a comparison, my life:

• 2 young DC - absolutely no time to myself ever, not even to pee

• huge financial worries

• DH doesn't do any cleaning/cooking/washing etc

• no cleaner obviously

• no guests hardly ever because DH doesn't like to socialise

I'm sorry to hear that dont and I apologise if my posts come across as arrogant in any way. I have been there with the young DC. I do recognise and appreciate that I've not had money worries since I've been with DH and I know we're extremely privileged in that respect.