AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

Parker - I'm fine with friends who I've met through the school and other things locally. I tend to see people in the day and never really feel isolated. I don't go out much in the evenings, but if I did, MIL would come down. I've never been away overnight or for the weekend though. It just seems like too much hassle!

Alaia5 - sorry to hear this. It does sound a very one sided relationship where your DH gets to do what he wants and when he wants but you are stuck at home limited as to what you can do. It doesn't sound like he is going to take on a equal share of parenting or running the home.

Parker -well no he's not, but I accepted that long ago and it's less of an issue as the DC are getting older now anyway. I don't need him to actually do anything, it's more an attitude change that's need for both of us going forward. Thank-you

It's very sad - it's not a lifestyle I could cope with. Hopefully you can get him to make some changes over time.

I can't understand why some on here think you have this perfect life - it sounds like total misery, if I'm honest. I cannot stand this whole idea some men have of "wife work". The constant entertaining would drive me batshit and I'd just refuse to do it.

Of course he's happy to take the DC to their sports clubs, etc - he gets to be Disney Dad and do all the fun stuff while you do all the slaving at home. Has he ever actually taken the DC out but do everything in order to get them ready? I seriously doubt it. It's hard work getting DC ready to get out of the house - making sure everyone is packed, dressed, fed and watered.

And as for the smoothie thing .... fucking hell. He can make his own fucking smoothies. You're so far gone now that throwing all your toys out of the pram won't work effectively so small steps are needed to make necessary changes. I would use the same patronising way he uses on you - darling, be a dear and unload dishwasher while I prep the dinner etc.

This sounds like Downton Abbey without all the staff...
I would be getting catering in if he wants to host dinner parties, ban people for lunch on Sundays and up your cleaners hours.

My MIL and FIL had a Relationship like this. They were both happy to live in a very co-dependant way. Sadly, now she is not physically able to cook etc and he is not mentally able to deal with the finances and it isn't turning out well!
Maybe you should approach him from a perspective that you are concerned how the family would continue if anything happened to either of you.

Well this weekend has been an improvement at least. I did do all the Persian food for the (quite posh) relatives from Iran who were with us Fri. That meant running round particular shops on Thu and basically a massive cooking session on Fri. DH got back from China just in time for their arrival, thank god, but he was a bit out of it. The relatives were fine and left Sat for their connecting flight. Today DH played rugby. I said I can't do Sunday lunch as Its too much and the kids just wanted to go for sushi anyway so that's what we did. No randoms from the rugby team today! Now he's taken DD to a party.

I think I was lucky that both my parents had careers (as this was the 60's my DM was considered unusual as she went to Uni and then worked ft and rose to quite a senior position in the Civil Service) and they split child care and responsibilities of the running the home. My DF did the washing up, cleaned everyone's shoes, did baths and hair washes etc. He is also quite a good cook and did the ironing. He tells a story of the midwife being surprised that he changed nappies!

. I grew up expecting equality and thankfully my MIL did a good job with DH and his brothers - DH has always encouraged my career and has done more than his share of the house and child care as I have worked away from home frequently - he has also maintained his career as a local GP.

You need FT help in the house, OP.

I think you sound like a good partnership OP. Not every task has to be split 50/50 to have an equal relationship.

It's only a good partnership if it's what both parties want.

I hear you catlady but I get the impression this is just a moan about a pattern that's formed over weekends as opposed to a wholesale discontent with the relationship

Congratulations on the improved weekend. You spoke, he listened, all worked fine....

Small changes are needed - agree that your DH sounds decent but there is NO family time or chill time if you are constantly hosting and that's the angle I would use personally

I hate having people over so god knows how you do it !

Good to hear that your weekend was an improvement, I hope that meant that you could put your feet up on Sunday afternoon and weren't busy packing and unpacking rugby and school bags.

Parker - Your relationship sounds great. When our kids were little, the most I could hope for was that DH would get off the phone / computer when he was at home, let alone help out. I can't be bothered asking him to do anything round the house as he's totally disengaged on that front and he would just say, " haven't we got a cleaner for that." Also he runs various companies and has loads of other business interests going on constantly so I feel guilty putting anything more on him.
Next weekend he's going with some colleagues to Norway to race cars on a frozen lake or something, celebrating a deal. Last night in bed he was saying he's sorry he's away so much and he misses us and he's going to try and do less travel. So we'll see?
Thankyou again for all your responses.