AIBU to feel like the weekend skivvy?

[Alaia5]

Could I ask people who don't know us at all if IABU here? Or moaning about nothing even? Its specific to the way weekends often pan out in this house and I would like to know if other people experience similar. Fine to be told IABU btw.

Last Friday night I hosted quite a formal dinner party at our house for 4 of DH's business associates plus their wives. That's all fine and I've been doing this for years etc. One couple who I've met once before but I don't know that well stayed over as they don't live in London. The next morning DH was up early to take our boys (13 and 11) to sports matches, so I was left with DD (8) and doing brunch for these people who didn't leave until 12 (which I thought was bit late).

Just finished clearing up, changing beds etc by about 2pm when DH got back with the boys. They were all wet and starving, wanting lunch etc. DS2 was getting a cough and DD not too well either. So by the time that was all done with it was 3.30 and practically dark.

On Sundays DH plays rugby and in recent months has got in the habit of bringing random team members back to lunch afterwards. I also try and get the kids to get the homework done Sunday mornings which can be a real headache. I've told DH not to just bring friends unannnounced. So he rang me about 12 to ask if he could bring these two friends as one was locked out and the other one would just like to see me and the kids (this is the third time this particular friend has come since he split from his partner in October). I felt put on the spot because they were obviously standing there with DH when he called. So they ended up coming and then about 3pm they all announced they would take the kids out to fly this drone thing "to give me a break" (i.e. leave me to clear up again, because that's a bit how it felt. Not that I wanted to stand in a field and watch this drone either).

DH had a late flight in Sunday and left at about 7.30. Now he's in China. He's just left a voicemail - firstly to ask if I still want him to book a trip for us to Sorrento at Easter (fine) and secondly to say that his relatives from the Middle East who are coming for dinner on Friday might be staying over Friday night and he's not sure about Saturday because he feels he can't really ask them.

I should also add that on the Thursday night (before the dinner party) he did book a babysitter and took me out to dinner which was lovely and he does do this kind of thing quite regularly. I should also say he works very hard and is lovely most of the time.

AIBU to ask (if you got this far) - does anyone else find that they're so busy cooking / facilitating homework / facilitating sports schedules / hosting guests, etc that they don't actually get to set foot outdoors at the weekend? This tends to happen a fair bit here, especially in winter. WIBU to say something to DH about this or not?

welovepancakes: Being a SAHP doesn't make you the family skivvy with no say in what you do at the weekend, or cleaning up after your partner's hundreds of guests - don't be daft.

just have a quiet chat with your DH about the lack of family time. TBH, I don't think it is outrageous if you have a fair chunk of 5 weekdays to yourself and your DC are all of an age where they don't need constant attention, only in the sense that perhaps the DC would prefer to have a bit more of DH's undivided attention?

YANBU - money obviously isn't an issue but I wouldn't want your life - he is expecting you to cater for all his friends and colleagues and act as housekeeper too. Sounds a bit too 50s housewife to me. Why on earth host work related dinner parties with sleepover guests / that's bonkers!

Tempus - I'm on a course 3 mornings a week 9.30 to 12.30 which I chose to do. Otherwise doing a mixture of things, house related, food shopping, cooking - the usual.

Surely this is more about family time than me time for the op.

You sound like a wife and a mother. Both adults in the family have different roles to meet the needs of the family.

Sorry I should also say I have a cleaner twice a week. She does floors, dusting, etc. I do all laundry, ironing, beds and tidying obviously.

Dailymailisaloadofshite
OP I'd hate that arrangement. It sounds very stepford. If I was in your shoes I'd think about getting a job and getting your DH to share the load of chores. I realise that is easier said than done. But you have a life full of luxury but also full of chores and running round after other people.

1. Next time he announces dinner guests reply, "Great, what are you cooking?".

2. Get a job. I'm not saying this judgmentally, and I can't quite articulate why but I think it'd do you a lot of good.

I do feel like I need to relax a bit in the weekdays because from 3.15 until 11 it's full on - dinner for kids, homework, taxi to and from activities (though 13 year-old very independent now) - then dinner for DH when he gets in, getting all bags sorted, uniforms etc. Nothing out of the ordinary but I don't sit down in the evenings. I also get up at 5 to get everyone out.

It would be nice if this didn't turn into a "get a job" thread. Clearly the OP being at home is what works for her family. That doesn't make her a second class citizen who needs to cook and clean on demand. She cooks and cleans for her own family. Guests are extra.

As a one-off fine, but week after week? If you can afford it, agree that either the business meals are held in restaurants, or you get catering help, or at least clean-up help from a cleaner the following morning.

When DH brings home business associates he often cooks himself, or at least helps me, and will do most of the cleaning away after.

It would be nice if this didn't turn into a "get a job" thread. Clearly the OP being at home is what works for her family.

Yes, but it's not working for her, is it?

Unless you're a military family and he's hosting his subordinates to dinner, then he can take his business colleagues out for dinner. Why should you cook every time?
If you insist on cooking at home, then no staying over. They're adults and can arrange lifts/taxis.

Sundays.....family time. No rugby mates come for lunch. If he wants to, he can go for a pint with them before lunch or something.

Tell him it's not fair on you and feel like an unpaid skivvy....rather than your wife.
YADNBE!
Take control, woman up (in the nicest possible way) and be assertive or this will continue.

I get that Sunday lunch is important as a family time. Are the unexpected visitors being turfed out by other mothers so they can chill out a bit? The flowers etc would mollify me slightly.

The no notice would drive me crazy, as would the overnight guests. Fair enough if it's your role/job/whatever to do the traditional SAHP roles but that doesn't mean you shouldn't expect ground rules/consideration.

You should have left DH to host brunch/breakfast for his business associates - I would take the DC out myself.

As others have said, make Sunday afternoons family time only.

Did he help clear up and wash up after the dinner party? Cheeky of him to escape having to clear up Sunday lunch.

And yy to no overnight stays for business associates. They can stay in a hotel having already enjpyed your hospitality.

I'm a SAHM mum too (work a little bit freelance) and my DH works long hours and commutes so personally I don't mind picking up the slack at the weekend - I have plenty of relaxing time during the week. I also don't mind sorting out the house for visitors.

On the other hand I'd still like to be treated with respect - I'm not staff. DH picks up after himself. My DH would also ask (in a way that allows a refusal) for overnight guests. It's also important that I get a social life - lots of my friends are only available weekends so that's when I see them (obviously DH can see friends too and we socialise together). Do you have your own social life? Do you feel free to organise meet ups at the weekend or do you feel responsible for holding the fort at home? Are there things you're missing out on? Or is it that you feel like you're not treated with respect? Do you feel like overall you're taking on more of a share of the workload? Or is it that you're workload is mundane (cleaning up, cooking etc.) and his is more exciting (business trips abroad etc.)?

I think it's quite possible neither of you are unreasonable you just need to figure out exactly what is bothering you and that will make it easier to tackle.

Thankyou everyone for your perspectives. It's very.interesting to hear.

DH does entertain in restaurants a lot as well - mainly for business. I do a lot of social get togethers here though. It can be quite full on.

DH doesn't participate in clearing up dishes and so on either. I don't really know what to say on that tbh. The kids will help if asked though.

I have to get to the school now, but will be back about 4.

My fear with the get a job solution is poor op then gets to do that as well as everything else if the Dh really isn't around to pitch in. That's life if you need the money but seems perverse if you don't.

I wfh for myself so very flexible and do almost everything house and child related. I am resistant to getting a formal job as it would stress me out as know I would end up doing more. Dh is great but to be fair is out if house 7.30 - 8pm.

I would ask the cleaner to do an extra hour or so a week so she can do the ironing and change the sheets (that's what mine does).

Friends coming over should all be chipping in to clear up after lunch before they go out and do whatever they do, bit different if it's business associates of your dh's though.

Weekend lunch (just family) everyone makes their own sandwich.

That's how we do it in our house.

It's bit insensitive of your weekend guests to hang around until noon, especially as your dh was out. I think I would have invented somewhere I had to go to get rid of them.