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To NOT want my husband to have a makeover and dress as a woman?

(184 Posts)
Katie4u Thu 21-Nov-13 23:56:23

I have known about my husband's need to dress as a woman for almost 20 years. I came home unexpectedly one day to find him wearing my clothes. I was shocked and quite frightened. He explained that this was something he had been doing in secret since he was a little boy. Me being me, I felt sorry for him. We spoke about it for quite a while - I couldn't shut him up - I tried to understand him, but it became clear to me that this wasn't something that was going to go away. I told him that I didn't want to be part of it, that our children mustn't ever see him or know about it and he has been true to his word. There have been times when he has asked if he could dress and be with me and I must confess that, in bed, he was a lot more passionate making love to me dressed in my undies than he was when he was naked ... he's not gay! Now that our kids have flown the nest, he has had more opportunity and is taking more risks. He wants to know how good he would look with a professional makeover and he has found a place where he can go to do this. I have said no. I'm frightened where tis might lead? Am I being unreasonable?!

DontCallMeDaughter Fri 22-Nov-13 00:02:17

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's wanting to move this very private thing outside of the home, essentially making it public. You've never agreed to it being out in public at all...

My aunt was married to a man who cross dressed. She couldn't hack it and they divorced soon after she found out. So I think you've done remarkably well in coping the way you have.

You need to keep talking this through to see if there is a compromise you are both happy with. Maybe a makeover in the home? Or maybe he does this somewhere else - on holiday by himself for a week... There is probably a common ground for you both somewhere, keep trying to find it.

justhayley Fri 22-Nov-13 00:03:12

That's a hard situation because you have in a way already accepted a lot of things. I can totally understand why you would be afraid of his "hobby" going further if he has the makeover, but if you say no he may do it anyway behind your back which isn't nice.
Have you spoken to him about how your feeling? Has he said how far he'd like to go with this? Would he dress like a woman full time?

Also what's your marriage boundaries? Would it get to a stage you would leave?
Have no advice Id probably have run a mile but hope whatever happens you end up happy

WorraLiberty Fri 22-Nov-13 00:03:16

Did you post this a couple of months back OP?

It's very familiar?

caruthers Fri 22-Nov-13 00:08:46

I've been booked for a girls night in as a model next week, it's my first time so i'm slightly anxious..

But all is not as it seems...the girls are not adults they are all 5 and under and will be armed with make up and wigs.

It's going to be a long night and I hope they do me justice smile

Madlizzy Fri 22-Nov-13 00:13:01

You might find this website useful.

WilsonFrickett Fri 22-Nov-13 00:15:45

Where do you think it might lead op? What are your concerns, that he wants to start dressing as a woman outside the home? I think if you can really articulate your concerns you can start to have a proper discussion.

Katie4u Fri 22-Nov-13 00:18:31

When I first found out I was pregnant with my daughter and I know I didn't kick him out because I didn't want to be on my own! In any case I loved him, we hadn't been married long, I guess I just hoped it would go away, but of course it didn't. I fear I may have compromised my own feelings in condoning his habit. He gets so moody when he can't dress and I'll often go out so he can; when I come back he is a mch nicer person. It seems to calm him down? Does that make sense?

Katie4u Fri 22-Nov-13 00:22:06

No-one knows about him except me. I haven't told our kids nor his or my family. I have been too embarrassed! I think I need to tell someone, get some advice. I just don't know where this might lead and I suppose I am more able to be on my own if things got so bad? I married a man, I wanted a husband, I already have two sisters, I don't need one more!

Katie4u Fri 22-Nov-13 00:23:25

Madlizzy THANK YOU - I can't tell you how encouraging it is to know there is a group for women like me!

Katie4u Fri 22-Nov-13 00:24:23

Need to go, thanks peeps x

Caitlin17 Fri 22-Nov-13 00:38:30

Well Grayson Perry is now officially a national treasure. What a lovely man.

ShakeRattleNRoll Fri 22-Nov-13 00:47:36

Can we safely say that you wear the trousers then?

MyBaby1day Fri 22-Nov-13 00:49:12

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ShylaMcCall Fri 22-Nov-13 00:54:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vatta Fri 22-Nov-13 01:22:46

MyBaby that's very harsh.

I honestly don't get why anybody would object to an adult choosing to wear clothes associated with the other gender. Women wear "men's" clothes all the time, so what's the problem if a man wants to wear a dress?

It's in private, he's respected his wife's wishes, and he's not hurting anybody. Calling him vile and sick is just bigoted.

glastocat Fri 22-Nov-13 01:33:59

While calling it vile and sick is a it extreme, personally I would find this the ultimate turn off and simply could not fancy a man who felt the need to do this. I think the OP has been remarkably tolerant, but this sort of thing always seems to escalate, and would be a deal breaker for me.

Oldraver Fri 22-Nov-13 02:25:25

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madwomanintheatt1c Fri 22-Nov-13 02:34:25

Beaumont society. Been through it a million times before, all very normal there.

MyBaby, you are a nasty piece of work, aren't you? I hope you aren't bringing up your precious children to be so blinkered. What if one of them announces one day that he cross dresses?

I find these dressing agencies a bit odd, if I'm honest. I have no issue with anyone of any sex wearing whatever clothes they like - the whole idea of gendered clothing is a farce in any case. The bit I find super-creepy is that women (usually young slim gorgeous) put a lot of effort into turning men into stereotypical females, and reinforcing gender roles. I get that a lot of guys go there wanting to know how to pass, but really, the whole thing smacks of reinforcing gender, rather than breaking the whole thing down.

It makes me cross.

Anyways, the Beaumont Society is deffo your place. I'm sure your dh found them years ago.

Katie4u Fri 22-Nov-13 07:26:52

Morning peeps, bit of a mixed bag this morning! The thing is he is a lovely man, he is a great provider, he looks after us very well and we have been together a long time. I do love him but I just don't understand him, or why he feels he needs to dress as a woman!

Balaboosta Fri 22-Nov-13 07:34:23

Can you find it in yourself to embrace this, enter into the spirit of it, go with the flow and humour of it and have fun together with it? It's what I do with my DS who is a mini-Grayson perry!

ZillionChocolate Fri 22-Nov-13 07:34:45

You don't understand why he feels the need, but he just does. Just like you find men attractive. It's presumably not something you can control. I think it's fine for you not to participate, but clearly this is something he needs. I think you need to try and negotiate some middle ground that you're both tolerably confortable with.

paxtecum Fri 22-Nov-13 07:42:46

I was married to a cross dresser. It was difficult.

I find Grayson Perry disturbing.
A man dressing up as a little girl is just very disturbing, especially when he says he attracts lots of offers of sex from women.
I don't think he is national treasure at all.

OP: I'll post more tonight.

Booboostoo Fri 22-Nov-13 07:45:38

This is not an AIBU question, it's a bunch of personal questions.

I don't think what your DH is doing is disgusting, disturbing or worrying in the least. It may lead to him wearing women's clothing more often but I don't think this is a bad thing to do or that it would somehow pervert your children. They are just clothes and he enjoys wearing them.

However, I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation and his decision to dress as a woman is an odd one for you to understand and support. Why not talk to other partners who may have been through a similar sitution?

I think asking "Why does he need to dress as a woman?" is similar to asking "Why does it bother you that he needs to dress as a woman?". People have all sorts of needs and feelings that are not possible to rationalise or make go away by an effort of will.

Personally I think you should focus on his good character qualities. The fact that he is lovely is not going to go away when he wears a skirt, if he is a good father he won't become a bad one by wearing a bra, if you love him you love him for who he is not what he wears.

Booboostoo Fri 22-Nov-13 07:46:58

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